Supporter Ptsd Or ?

[I<3mymarine]

Hi all,

I am so thankful for this site! It makes me realize I'm not crazy or alone.

I have read thru several posts/threads and I can relate to most of the carers.

One of my best male friends from high school went to the marines right out of high school. He was front line infantry and served 2 tours. I remember when he left, he came to see me. we both had switched schools but still somehow kept in touch. I think it was because we both enjoyed each others company so much. Anyway Right before he left he came to see me to tell me about his deployment and the baby he was expecting. I cried for days. I was so worried about him. But lost touch.

Almost 15 years later he resurfaces. We reconnect on fb (gotta love technology) we end up talking, and catching up, but he already seemed to know what was gong on with me. Maybe he asked our mutual friends? I was married with 2 kids and played roller derby. He was single. He came out to watch some games with his friends who loved my team. It was wonderful to see him and he seemed normal, exactly how I remembered hIm. They became fans who came to several games. My first run in with ptsd was a game in sanfrancisco. They we're suppose to come. all the way up to game time he said he was on his way But never showed. When I tried to contact him to find out if he was ok or what happened I got no response. I just figured because I was married he was staying away. It was months later before we got in contact again We talked several times after that and again he seemed like my normal friend.

Flash forward a few years and I am now going thru a divorce. As I mentioned we have mutual high school friend we both keep in touch with. Because I'm going thru a divorce I need my friends more than ever. We hung out a few times with the group and it was fantastic. He would invite me over to spend the night and he drove and he always took care of me. I loved having my friend back again. We have such a great time together. One night we were both a bit tipsy and ended up having sex. It was the most mind blowing sex I've ever had. The chemistry is amazing. But like most ptsd sufferers, once I left I was pushed away and ignored. We've had several encounters since then and several Mia episodes each time it's the same scenario. But each time he stays away longer and longer. The last time I saw him he suggested a vacation. initially said no way, because I knew his Mia patterns. But We spent the entire evening planning it and in the morning he said don't forget to look up airline and hotels. Of course over the next couple of days he faded away. With no real answer. I wasn't mad, but annoyed. This was his idea! But I get it. He hasn't exactly said I have ptsd but it's pretty apparent from his behavior. I've sent him a few thinking about you texts over the Past couple of weeks and nada. I have even expressed if he wants to go back to being just friends I'm ok with that. I don't like it, but I enjoy him so much that I will accept him in whatever capacity works for him. When we are together I feel so alive, happy, safe and protected. I miss my friend.I don't know which approach is the best approach. Stay away and let him sort things out? Or continue to check in letting him know I'm here whenever he's ready to resurface ?

I'm going crazy wondering if it's actually ptsd because he seems so normal other than his cleaning OCD or if he's just being a guy. don't worry I keep myself plenty busy. I have 2 Kids run 2 independent businesses and work out like no bodies business. I just miss my friend and worry about him.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[digger]

The only person who can answer that really is him. Why do you feel that you can't ask him straight out about it? What has he said in the past about the times he stopped contact with you after he's come back? - have you asked him?

 

[Ice_Fire]

I'd ask him too. You need to know where you stand. And if he is suffering from PTSD then I'd let him know that you're okay with that and wish to support him in whatever ways he's comfortable with, you just need to know what the deal is. If it's not that then he needs to explain his behaviour anyway.

 

[Orglethorp]

I'm going to third the advice above and say ask him. Either he has reasons for disappearing on you (PTSD or otherwise) and perhaps he doesn't think you're prepared or willing to help, so he's "protecting you" from it, or he does't have a good reason, in which you deserve to know that.

If he does have PTSD or some other valid reason, and you're willing to support him, then that's great. Let him know that, be there for him, but don't forget to take care of yourself first. If he's just going off whenever he feels like it and there is no underlying reason like PTSD (though I agree with you that this sounds like there is an underlying reason), then I suggest re-evaluating the situation.

Bottom line: if he doesn't have any explanations for you, or doesn't want your help, then you'll only be hurting yourself by holding on to this.

 

[Lucycat]

and the baby he was expecting

I just wonder - is he really single? Are you sure it is all about possible PTSD?

 

[I<3mymarine]

Thanks for the replies. I would love to ask him if he would ever resurface. I don't want to be too pushy and force a response because if it is ptsd I don't want to set him off. We did have a convo the last time I saw him about relationships. (Not us, but in general) I said I may want to get married again someday. He totally disagreed and said why can't it just be when it's convenient. I responded with that would be great if you would respond. He laughed and said you know I always come back. He's a very private person and none of our friends know or understand how serious his issues are. I think he's embarrassed about it, so I don't know how to approach the conversation. Everyone just accepts that he goes Mia and resurfaces when he feels like it. He always has a reason or excuse for why he goes Mia like I had to help my brother, or work, or something.... But you guys are right, I am gonna have to confront it I just don't want to push him away more by pressing for a response. Sigh.

 

[I<3mymarine]

Lucycat I wondered that myself. But I've been to his apartment. It's a studio apt and definitely lived in. None of our friends know of a woman and several didn't even know about his kid. When I first started coming over he would say nothings a secret if you need something just look. (Toothpaste, tape etc) He "travels" a lot for work and now I.wonder if it's really work or maybe this place is just his get away place. The more I read about ptsd he definitely has traits but could he just be hiding behind it?

 

[I<3mymarine]

Oh and there are no signs of anyone living there besides him. He says his babies mama is engaged and his son isint speaking to him because of their history. His kid is at least 16 and able to make his own decisions. He's told me several stories with reasons why his son/ex don't speak to him anymore.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!

Relationships involve two people and a lot of give and take. PTSD can cause a relationship to become unbalanced and unhealthy when a person is taking far more than they are giving and the other person is suffering. You can ask him, but ultimately the real proof is in his behavior or commitment to addressing his own issues. Isolation is common among people with PTSD and until he feels he is well enough to engage in any type of relationship (including friendship), you will have to decide whether to wait it out or move on.

I hope you find the information and support here helpful to yourself. It hurts when people pull away and with PTSD this is so common, but it is little understood by those that are not familiar with this disorder. That is why sites like this are so beneficial.

Take care.

Debbie