Ptsd & Relationships - The Importance Of Assertiveness

[Bilby]

"Speak without offending, Listen without defending".

I like it. :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My husband and I both have ptsd, The fights we used to have was terrible and it affected our kids. We went to marriage counseling and got alot of help. Now we can work through conflicts, though my husband has a tendancy to say cruel things which he later apologizes for. Now we get along great. I wish we could have done it many years ago.

 

[AS1975]

Wow, this is the beauty of this site, people can actually read and think through both what they are reading and consider it against their own behavior. Rare indeed.

 

[Bilby]

What I'm enjoying is the appreciation for subject matters such as this, which are of such great importance.

People here are actually willing to engage in a sensible and reasonable discussion about real issues, that have a very real impact, all whilst analysing their own behaviour and it's impact upon those around them. It's pretty remarkable really and I think a lot of people should feel proud for doing all that they are, to work on themselves and their relationships - supporters and sufferers alike.

 

[Philippa]

Another interesting response (my computer is being slow and quite difficult at present).

No-one should be mocking anyone, or using them as a 'septic tank' of any description, if they are the relationship needs a hell of a lot more work than improved communication skills, that would be my prime point. But there are perceptions and shades of perceptions and as I suggested above, perceptions can be reality (or near enough to it not to matter a whole lot) for the parties involved.

Sure. I was mainly referring to my own relationship, or non-relationship with my parents, and yes, there needs to be a lot more work when it gets like this, which I have tried to explain to them, but they prefer to just put it all on me for being the one with the problem, who is destroying the relationship, without looking at their own behavior, so that makes things even harder to progress.

 

[Bilby]

I'm sure it would, Philippa. You really need both parties to want to get along and to want to have a functional and healthy relationship in order for it to work and be successful and rewarding. If your parents are just casting blame and "finger-pointing", then this would be virtually impossible :(

 

[saffy]

Interesting post.

I think there is also a possibility for passive-aggresive behaviour be a form of communication. This would not help the relationship either.

I also think that to control the angry way of communicating is a good thing but to hold the point you want to make in without communicating it in another way can be as damaging, breeding resentment and a build up of inner anger.

Learning to be assertive is a lesson all should practise I think. You learn that being assertive is not getting your own way but a good communication tool that equals out the conversation without the need to get frustrated, angry and loud to try and be heard. People out to get there own way are not assertive they are using emotional blackmail one way or enother and are usually very manipulative.

Assertiveness involves respect of oneself and others. In non assertivenes it is a okay you win I lose position and therefore you neglect your own needs. A relationship should not be a win and loser situation but an equal one and you have every right to expect that in an honest, direct, healthy and appropriate way.

Being assertive is also a learnt skill, one we were never taught obviously. So we must teach ourselves how.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[piratelady]

I have learned recently that I can actually be more assertive lately but I don't recognize it. There are situations I have been in recently that I have talked about in therapy, where the therapist pointed out I did a good job of being assertive and setting boundaries. I did not recognize that I was being assertive or that I was making progress.

 

[saffy]

Yes it great when you realise that you can be more assertive after all and that there are skills you had without even realising it. Once you have knowledge like this you can but only go forward and keep improving. It has made a great difference to me and I am still not the most assertive person in the world far from it but it definately helps. It gave me a right boost too and something to work on further.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Sues]

This has been a very informative and helpful thread. Thank you all for what you've shared. I know I am not ready to have a relationship. I need to be alone for a long time. But some of my fears of if I do have a relationship ever again, are not only the fear of physical contact, but I'm afraid I can never be "normal" again.

I hadn't realized it until I read this, but communication is a big part of what I think of as being normal. There are so many things wrong with me, lots of little things, that I feel that I could never express or even put into words, so I fear not being able to deal with them in how I would relate to another person. Thus communication.

I have not had a relationship since I got away from my abusive ex. So I don't have any real input on this topic. I just wanted to say thanks and let you all know that your information has really helped me to understand things a lot better.

 

[mamachick]

There are many conditions that can cause one to loose assertiveness skills once they have been maintained for many years. One thing I discovered, in hind sight, when I was a very assertive person, I was less tolerant of those who attempted aggressive behavior, manipulation, and games. They many not have known they were even doing it. If it was someone such as one of my kids, I communicated assertively. There are some unreasonable relatives that I just chose not to have much communication with, as it was work.

I know what it feels like to be assertive and I can only say that it is wonderful. Every day was a joy. I didnt always get my way by far, and it was not a life without pain, but I had a voice, was reasonable and honest, and lead to good esteem. I rarely regretted anything I said. I had a traumatic brain injury from a fall, which led to a sequel -depression, anxiety, severe fatigue, which in turn led to frustration in communication, allowing people in my life that were very unreasonable, leading to more poor communication, frustration, anger, feelings of loss of power and choices, etc. I realized this and was working on my communication skills when I was assaulted by a police officer and abused harshly. This left me with loss of use of my arm, but it took my voice away(figuratively). It taught me to never assert myself again, as it can be dangerous. I can see how this has been self destructive and left me not wanting to live. Its not that I really dont want to live, I just dont want to live without any rights and walking on eggshells.

It has been 4 yrs since the assault and I am just trying to regain my assertiveness skills. This is important in or out of intimate relationships. We are constantly communicating with others, friends, co workers, bosses, sibling, parent, child, neighbor, store clerk etc. When we stuff things, we do eventually blow, or it comes out in addictions or other unhealthy behavior.

I can attest that when assertive, I saw life in a completely different way, different perception. It kind of ironic, I taught assertiveness to battered women-and now cant speak for myself. Just an opinion, but I do think it is key to our thinking. If we always feel defeated-why try.

 

[saffy]

HI Brat17
yes you are right I think you can loose the skill of being assertive, it can be literaly knocked out of you, you start to beleive that being assertive causes conflict and pain.

The opposite to you I have never been assertive, it was always knocked out of me. I think this has made me feel that I have no rights as a person and yes I do suffer addictions and can behave unhealthy, although this is improving.

I have only just recently realised what being assertive is and what it brings you as a person in your own right. I am still learning, and like you I am finding that I am much more aware of malicious behaviour towards myself and can stop it without defensiveness and argueing or diving into drugs. It a massive learning curve.

I beleive assertiveness is a learnt skill, it can be broken but it can also be relearnt over time.

best wishes
Saffy :)