Ptsd & Relationships - The Importance Of Assertiveness

[mamachick]

Hi Saffy

That's a good way of putting it-being knocked out of you-so true, sometimes literally
I'm glad to hear of your discoveries- that's awesome.

I've been there too, into addiction. Even when not a substance it is very damaging.

So glad for your improvement. I have been improving too although had a setback a couple days ago.

Keep up the good work
(((hugs)))

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have a hard time when I get attacked by a person with ptsd and they are ranting and raving. I walk away from these people because they have crossed my boundries. I cut off contact with them and I do not have to worry about being attacked again.

I equate aggressiveness with a person being controlling. When they are besides themselves they are trying to get a grip in me and tell me off.

So I am getting choosy about the people I invite into my life. I will hang out with a person and be their friend unless they go off on me. I do not need that kind of person in my life. I really appreciate all of the responses I have read on this thread. It has taught me alot. I am not alone.

I just have to ask the question, How important is this? If the person is not really close to me I lose nothing and I gain my peace of mind when it calms down after being attacked. When I express an opinion and say take it or leave it and I get dumped on I leave. It just is not worth it to me. Life is too short and I have way too much going on in my life. Thanks for listening.

 

[mamachick]

I have some alcoholics like this in my family, besides the slurred speech and mannarisms, I cant tell them from the sober ones. Ptsd, drunks, idiots, or just the unreasonable, it is toxic. The more I have dealt with the unreasonable, the more unreasonable I have felt, or at least defensive, and if you listen to someone trying to defend themselves against unreasonable conflict, they can become
just as unreasonable as the first.

Gizmo-how important is it? Years ago I had a close friend who was a bit self centered-total opposite of me. When I would tell her I was doing xy and z today (something unpleasant that I felt obligated to do-involving a family member) she would look at me like I was insane and say-"why?" She was not a big care taker and would not do something that was so unpleasant. She really made me laugh. It really made me question my motives for pleasing those who are incapable-I call them the takers. She had an impact on my change. Ya we all have some obligations and unpleasant dealings, but we can limit them to a small amount if we choose.

When others suck the energy out of you, it is not easy to be assertive either. We must be well rested, nourished, and sharp to be prepared to assert ourselves. None of us are alone. Others have said what I have thought often on this thread.

Personally, I have a problem with asking for help or expecting it. Therefore, I guess out of lack of trust, I have trouble sharing my situations and feeling with others in fear of criticism, others jumping to conclusion without all the facts,, etc. It is true that I do not have a lot of healthy people around me. I use to, but that has declined over the years. Asserting self takes energy and sometimes I just havent had it. We have many opportunities to assert, be passive, aggresseive, or passive agressive. My goal is to write down just one time per day that I have been assertive. Thats my start.

 

[Sues]

I equate aggressiveness with a person being controlling.

Me too! I don't trust, so I don't make new friends. But anytime someone is aggressive, I immediately want to get away. It reminds me of my ex and what he did, and he had complete control over me for many years.

 

[AS1975]

One amazing thing about assertiveness and acknowledging not only the importance thereof, but that our ability to utilize it due to one thing or another, is that we can look back and see SO MANY instances or situations in which it would have been useful. Yeah, looking back is one thing that is uncomfortable, especially when there is a history of failure, but unless we change the way we interact with the world, as individuals, we can expect the world to keep interacting with us in the same way it always has. One or more variables has to be altered in order to be able to expect a different result. I could not count the number of jobs where just bowing my head, biting my tongue, or rolling my eyes then exploding when manageable shit accumulated enough to hit the fan, has seen me rejoin the ranks of the unemployed.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I used to be like that. I would stuff things and fume and then I would blow up on someone. I took an anger management class and it taught me how to manage my anger. It was alot of painful and costly lessons for me until I finally got it. I am glad that I have grown up some.

 

[mamachick]

I had a lot of anger I had to work through. I feel like I have done pretty well with that. Yet I know if I dont assert myself, the anger will return, and if I have relationships with people who are unreasonable, who want drama, etc., the anger will return and assertiveness is impossible.

I wish I was through the other side of this. It takes a lot of time and a lot of work and is a slow process. It has forced me to take an inventory of my own stuff. I say I dont want drama in my life, then I allow others to bring it-that is my action, I am not a victim. If I dont want the drama, then why have contact with dramatic people. No huge setback, just recognizing my own role in things. I ran into and spent some time talking to an old bf that was very dramatic. I even gave him a ride. Nothing bad happened but insanity is doing the same and expecting a different result. I cant pinpoint the emotion that led to my allowing any contact. Anyway, walking the walk is part of the equation, and staying away from those who have brought you down or caused you problems. It was never a broken heart for me, he just brought drama and chaos and was unreasonable, yet I allowed it until my anger was destructive.

 

[saffy]

HI Brat17

Anger can be hard to deal with especially if you find yourself back in a certain situation. You have identified though that these situation are the product of unreasonable and dramatic people. I avoid people like this totally then I know I will not get drawn into it too. I also dislike shifty people and liars and gossips. I watch people very carefully and trust my instincts about them. If I can't quite work out their behaviour or motives I do not bother getting involved.

Trying to assert yourself with someone who is totally unreasonable will lead to the broken record tactic and anger and frustration.They are unreasonable so they are not even trying to understand. Your energy is wasted on them.

Recognising different traits in people that are negative adn you do not like helps you avoid these type of people. Find the qualities you want in a friend and look for people who have the same common interests and have the virtues and qualities you respect.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[mamachick]

Thanks saffy,
Years ago, I found myself trying to deal reasonably with active alcoholics. Ever try reasoning with a drunk. Assertiveness does not work, only abstinance. At any rate, I have lots of alcoholics in my family, but those who are not are just as unreasonable. They are like the dry drunk. It occurred to me after running into this former alcoholic bf.

You are so right. I do not have a problem being alone. And those that are so unreasonable are energy zappers and any sane person would end up frustrated and mad-eventually.

Thanks for the wishes.
Brat

 

[saffy]

Your family sound like they thrive in the drama and need drink. What sad lives though. You have obviously a much healthier outlook on life. To be honest, I would feel disgusted by their behaviour if they were my family. I would want more than that lifestyle. Mine were drunks, but I still hated their lifestyle and attitude towards things and behaviour, I just decided that I just do not like that type of person and I do not want them in my life to spread their negative venom.

Sometimes I think I would rather be alone than put up with that sh*t. If they can't join me in happiness and equal respect and fun then there is no point in having them in my life. :)

No you can not reason with a drunk or someone arguementative but you can walk away with dignity. ;)

best wishes, again :)

Saffy :hug:

 

[AS1975]

One thing that did help me, at one point, with anger (although I did lose it again, but I'm getting it back) was when my mother was working (on placement) as a social worker in an Oncology ward. She once explained that when she got angry at things, she'd tell herself to rate her problems on a scale of 1-10, 10 being a bad day in the Oncology ward. I realised that that could probably help me and it did, very few problems rate even a 5 compared to exactly what is going on in a bad day on an Oncology ward after all.

 

[saffy]

Hi AS1975
That is a good idea :)

I see as well by rating things it puts it in perspective. I tend to over analyze and things always seemed much more intense than they probably need to be. So I see myself as unconfident and get very anxious and stressed about it.

If I can stop myself before I get carried away in negative thought and rate it I can then be in a better place to know what to do next. I have taken out all the negative talk and anxiety and replaced it with a focus on the problem only, How bad is this really in the scheme of things? How important is it, or are they, really? I guess it would be a way of grounding yourself. :) You can also use this rating system to prepare you for things in the future.

When doing a psychological profiling and assesing for confidence and anxiety, one technique used is a rating system. By looking at all the qualities or attributes needed for a positve acheivable goal you have to honestly rate yourself on each one. Ones with lower ratings are those that show a weakeness and those with a high rating shows that you have strength in that area. It gives you particular short term goals to work on.

It has proved very successfull grass roots sports but it can be applied to anything in life that you have little confidence on or are suffering anxiety about.

Best wishes
Saffy :)