PTSD Snowballing into badness

[kheals]

Hi. I'm trying this forum because I think I just really need to be heard. I come from a hard background. Alcoholic, bi-polar mom who couldn't keep food in the house. Absentee dad who judged everyone and everything and who had no use for me. I think I've had PTSD since childhood.

But it really got going about 20 years ago when an acting teacher and all the students attacked me. I was on the ground and they circled me and pointed fingers and screamed at me about how much I suck. Since then, I've become a screamer. Anyone sneaking up on me or surprising me results in a bloodcurdling scream. I'm scared of everyone.

The last decade has made it all worse. The riots, the shootings in Seattle (I'm the one to walk by the bodies), COVID, my company being sold to awful people and two years of dealing with that. And just general rudeness and nastiness from people. I've gotten to the point where I really don't trust anyone. I haven't been able to work because just thinking of an interview gives me a panic attack. The doc is trying different meds on me but nothing is working. I'm running out of money and out of time. I'm unemployed and Medicaid has very few resources for this sort of thing. Everyone wants money. Sometimes a lot of money.

It just feels like it's all snowballing into badness. That I'm not going to be able to get out of this one. That there's no one to help. I don't know how to help myself anymore. My workplace was my safe place but it got sold. There is no safety anymore. Can't ride the bus or walk the streets without being assaulted in some way. This world is horrible.

Thanks for listening. -K

 

[whiteraven]

The last decade has made it all worse. The riots, the shootings in Seattle (I'm the one to walk by the bodies), COVID, my company being sold to awful people and two years of dealing with that. And just general rudeness and nastiness from people. I've gotten to the point where I really don't trust anyone. I haven't been able to work because just thinking of an interview gives me a panic attack. The doc is trying different meds on me but nothing is working. I'm running out of money and out of time. I'm unemployed and Medicaid has very few resources for this sort of thing. Everyone wants money. Sometimes a lot of money.

I could have written most of this. In my area, there are clinics with sliding scale fees. Is there anything in your area?

I've lost trust in nearly everyone these last few years, and I absolutely hate having to connect in any way with people. Have you tried freelance work? Depending on your skills, you may be able to find something that doesn't require an interview. There are even some entry-level jobs that don't require a face-to-face interview.

If meds aren't working (they don't work for me, either), have you tried other techniques for calming anxiety? Or practicing interviews online? There are several programs where you can practice, and some are free.