HoosierGal
Bronze Member
I am survivor of consistent sexual abuse that occurred from before pre-school to mid-high school. For my 1st 2 years after high school and into college I feel I did remarkably “well” (or was very lucky) in not being overcome by flashbacks, depression, and anxiety. Adulthood just felt “safe” to me, like the bad things were over and I could move on. However, in April of 2013 I was raped at a party. I had always thought that if someone tried to hurt me like that again, I would be prepared and know exactly what to do to get out of the situation, however, the second he put his hands on me it was like I was a kid again and too terrified to move. After that instance I became disenchanted from my sense of security in adulthood. For a solid year I was depressed and plagued with flashbacks not only from Easter, but my childhood. I hardly left my apartment, completed classwork at home and emailed it to my profs, and somehow drag myself out of bed on test days to get semi-decent grades. But once school was out for the summer I became deeply depressed.
After about a year things did get better. I did overcome the heavy depression that kept me in bed every day. I did find ways of riding out panic attacks and flashbacks though controlled breathing and awareness of triggers. I did stay and school, keep up my 3.7 GPA, and continue involvement in student government and 2 part-time on-campus jobs (if anything the distractions help and motivate me). I did learn to enjoy my independence again and not feel afraid, and I did learn to trust men again thanks to a very kind, patient, and strong man who support my every academic and career goal, and who I know would do anything to take any pain in the world away from me, if he could.
However, no matter how happy and secure and stable I feel during the day, every night when I lay down in bed and everything quiets down the bad memories, feelings of guilt, and occasionally flashbacks, return. My boyfriend makes every effort to comfort me though these, he calls me by my nickname that only he calls me so I can hear him in the flashback and be reminded that I really am in a different place and safe, he keeps me from thrashing around and hurting myself, he brings me a waste bin to vomit in after if I need to and water to drink. Then he tells me over and over again how strong I am, and how much he admires all that I do and how much I love him. Needless to say, I am incredibly lucky to have a partner who can help me overcome those dark moments, and especially thankful that he has never made me feel like a chore of a burden. However, I myself still feel guilty for ruining his sleep so often, and even with such a comforting companion by my side, I still would prefer not to have to deal with these moments of intense memory and sadness.
At this point, I do not feel I need medication like anti-depressants/anxiety to get though my days. I haven’t actually been on any med for over a year, and to be honest I never had much success with them. I'm not wild about the idea of trying a new one, either, because it always seems that the side-affects get me more than the actual benefit. My boyfriend is a Psychologist, though by no means an expert in PTSD and by no means my personal doctors, and he has been suggesting I try a sleep aid to see if that would help me, since my symptoms are virtually only at night.
Does anyone here struggle with the worse PTSD symptoms at night, or strictly at night? If so how do you get though your nights? Have you had any success with medications, etc?
After about a year things did get better. I did overcome the heavy depression that kept me in bed every day. I did find ways of riding out panic attacks and flashbacks though controlled breathing and awareness of triggers. I did stay and school, keep up my 3.7 GPA, and continue involvement in student government and 2 part-time on-campus jobs (if anything the distractions help and motivate me). I did learn to enjoy my independence again and not feel afraid, and I did learn to trust men again thanks to a very kind, patient, and strong man who support my every academic and career goal, and who I know would do anything to take any pain in the world away from me, if he could.
However, no matter how happy and secure and stable I feel during the day, every night when I lay down in bed and everything quiets down the bad memories, feelings of guilt, and occasionally flashbacks, return. My boyfriend makes every effort to comfort me though these, he calls me by my nickname that only he calls me so I can hear him in the flashback and be reminded that I really am in a different place and safe, he keeps me from thrashing around and hurting myself, he brings me a waste bin to vomit in after if I need to and water to drink. Then he tells me over and over again how strong I am, and how much he admires all that I do and how much I love him. Needless to say, I am incredibly lucky to have a partner who can help me overcome those dark moments, and especially thankful that he has never made me feel like a chore of a burden. However, I myself still feel guilty for ruining his sleep so often, and even with such a comforting companion by my side, I still would prefer not to have to deal with these moments of intense memory and sadness.
At this point, I do not feel I need medication like anti-depressants/anxiety to get though my days. I haven’t actually been on any med for over a year, and to be honest I never had much success with them. I'm not wild about the idea of trying a new one, either, because it always seems that the side-affects get me more than the actual benefit. My boyfriend is a Psychologist, though by no means an expert in PTSD and by no means my personal doctors, and he has been suggesting I try a sleep aid to see if that would help me, since my symptoms are virtually only at night.
Does anyone here struggle with the worse PTSD symptoms at night, or strictly at night? If so how do you get though your nights? Have you had any success with medications, etc?
