PTSD Symptoms You Are Dealing With Now

[Michael G.]

I'm really pissed off because my new "therapist" suggested spirituality as a treatment he would use on me. He seems oblivious to the fact that I was the victim of two cults over the last 26 years, and I just got out of them. What an IDIOT! I realize that many people find comfort in spirituality. But when he came at me with the old bait-and-switch line..."It's spiritual, but not religious," I started to go on a slow burn that led to me writing some 20 pages about how he insulted me. He referred to me as being "spiritually bankrupt," and referred to my parents and other perpetrators as having committed "soul murder." What a bunch of shit mumbo-jumbo! I'm not dead, so nobody murdered me - my spirit included (if there is such a thing). And if I were spiritually bankrupt, it implies I squandered something valuable. That would make me a fool. I was born at night...but not last night. If I were younger and more impressionable, his comments could have been very dangerous. I think he's a quack.

To hell with him! I have seen this clown a handful of times and I am seriously considering firing him. And I will if he keeps up this bullshit. Right now I'm chomping at the bit because I'd like to give him a piece of my mind right now. I used someone else's idea of God to distract me from all the pain of the traumas that were haunting me. Any progress I've made in the last nine months was because I let all of that go. It was the only way I could start looking at it all, instead of avoiding it by pretending to believe things that I didn't (and shouldn't). And my experience is that "spirituality" and "religion" are always closely related. He told me spirituality was compatible with atheism. I'm not and atheist, but I know that this idea is ridiculous. Atheists are not interested in smoke and mirrors, and neither am I. AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!

 

[BrotatoSalad]

Is becoming a monster a symptom? My agitation is bleeding over from simply right after I wake up or late at night to normal daytime hour. I snap, I lash out, kersplode. Small things make me feel like I'm going to rage on people. I can barely hold it in. I count to ten, I breathe in and out, deep, concentrating, but this primal rage is so uncontrollable that I burst before I even finish any of these exercises. I feel like a total asshole 50% of the day, and I try so hard to control it.

I am a laid back, humorous, random person... This isn't me... But then, I begin thinking, what if this is me? What if this is who I am now? What if this is permanent? What if I'm just changing into some awful being and I can't stop it. I don't know, I'm just losing my shit I can't even explain it properly. :wall: I'm filling to the brim with rage, mostly at myself, but then it just overflows onto other people that don't deserve it, especially my boyfriend. I am having a hard time standing myself.

I do not have an appointment until October 7, my psychologist has no earlier times, I'm on a waiting list, my boyfriend has started asking me to stop "just stop" talking to him when I'm upset, my friends are useless and don't care about me unless I'm fun and/or pampering them... I am so gone :mad:

-B

 

[Iam]

Oh Boy Michael G.

I'm really pissed off because my new "therapist" suggested spirituality as a treatment he would use on me. He seems oblivious to the fact that I was the victim of two cults over the last 26 years, and I just got out of them. What an IDIOT!

Seems to me that maybe you should think about finding another T who is more compatible with your needs. I mean after what you just came out of I can see why you would have such an intense reaction to what your T said. Although.....is it possible that he was trying to do just that? I would thing that "your spirituality" is something of a major trigger after what you have gone thru and as such, that trigger may be something that your T wants to help you overcome. And maybe it that is something you need to work on but just aren't ready yet. IDK just a thought.

There are times that I WISH my T COULD trigger me. Most of the time I am unable to access my feelings when there and the few times feelings have surfaced I have very quickly shoved them back down. Trust is a big issue with me as it is with most of us and there are times when I don't trust my T for whatever reason. Usually I am either misinterpreting what he is trying to do or I am just paranoid that he really doesn't care and that I am more than what he contracted for when I hired him. When I don't I ask him about whatever the issue is. We have been able to work thru my trust issues by talking it out.

IMHO you need to tell him what you are thinking, ask what his motives are and go from there. Your T's goals should be yours, you are paying him to help you with your goals. If you are not on the same page and are unable to trust your T's insight then you should find someone that you click better with. Again just MHO ;o)

 

[Natalia]

I don't know if I have PTSD. I landed on this forum after trying to research how to deal with trauma I have suffered.
I have read and read and read for the past two days. And I can't take it anymore. I read people saying how beneficial this was for them. How the ...? I have sunk in deeper than I have been in a really long time. I realized I really am not ready for therapy. If I can't even stand to read about trauma how can I FACE mine? How can I go talk to some stranger who maybe has no idea what it feels like? How can I expose myself to something I have struggled for over 6 years to forget? HOW?
Where do all of you get the freakin courage? Where do you get your strength from? Why don't I have it? I am so frustrated and angry right now that I could explode. Why don't I have it?

 

[tch75]

Natalia! I know how you feel! I was diagnosed PTSD (C-ptsd now) 15 years ago! I have been living in denial since that, I have been in treatment on and off all these years just treating the sympthoms, not the real "problem". I think it takes time, to get to the fact that yes I have Ptsd, I am stuggeling every day, still, to accept it. By coming here to this forum, has helped me allot! Yes, i get down sometimes of what I'm reading here, but I also laugh much, to be in a forum with all these people who knows what a life with PTSD is about has been a great help for me. Like I said, I have not been able to start my healing before now... So it takes time, believe me! You do have the courage, just by comming here! There are lot of great people here, and they know how it is! Just hang in there! We are courages humans, and so are you!


tch75

 

[seedling]

Yesterday I was shaking all over with terror and my therapist was telling me how courageous I am (!). Did I think I had any courage at that point? - no. A good trauma/PTSD therapist will know how to handle things, if you don't like the first one find another.

Also - reading on here can make symptoms worse. Right now it's OK for me to post, yesterday I read one post and the anxiety started up so I turned it off.

I have a sense today that some small, teeny-weeny part of me was healed by therapy yesterday. That's a feeling I'll take for now.

 

[Natalia]

Natalia! I know how you feel! I was diagnosed PTSD (C-ptsd now) 15 years ago! I have been living in denial since that, I have been in treatment on and off all these years just treating the sympthoms, not the real "problem". I think it takes time, to get to the fact that yes I have Ptsd, I am stuggeling every day, still, to accept it. By coming here to this forum, has helped me allot! Yes, i get down sometimes of what I'm reading here, but I also laugh much, to be in a forum with all these people who knows what a life with PTSD is about has been a great help for me. Like I said, I have not been able to start my healing before now... So it takes time, believe me! You do have the courage, just by comming here! There are lot of great people here, and they know how it is! Just hang in there! We are courages humans, and so are you!


tch75

Thank you for this. I am calm right now and in touch with my logical part once again. And this part is telling me it will all be ok. Even if I think I am not ready, I am in fact. And I am searching for the right therapist. And it's true, reading about how others get through this is really helpful, although sometimes it only seems to do harm. This forum has inspired me and showed me that I am not at the worst end of it. I should hang on to that thought..
I am going to stay clear of here, at least for a few days. I feel the need to take a break. But I am thankful to you and your answer. You keep the faith and keep 'fighting the good fight'.

'Fun' fact: therapist <-> the-rapist.

 

[Elphaba]

right now I am trying to Calm Down. I feel incredibly upset after a discussion with someone I know, and I need to calm down before it escalates and I do stupid things (Anyone has tips on anger management?) - seems like this is resulting in my spamming the forum tonight to keep my head away from what is upsetting me.

 

[BrotatoSalad]

I blew up after finding out that my professor lost part of my assignment that counts for about 30% of my clinical grade. I punched a wall, my knuckles are bruised. I took two klonopin and am now just trying to blank my mind. I am just so scared that my GPA will drop because of my scatterbrained instructor, and my future will be effed. And then I begin to think, what future? Do I have a future? What is the point? I just feel like I'm losing my collective sh!!.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am very angry and frustrated.

I'm so angry at myself, because I threw a bunch of mail at my husband. Actually right at his face. It don't cut or hurt him. He just sat there looking at me in complete shock. The reason was kinda of dumb, he wanted me to put all the letter in a basket we use to put our mail in, I don't want to do that because I had spend 30 minutes going threw that box. Latley he's been useing a " NO you can NOT have candy!" kinda of voice. Instead of explaining or whatever he just says "No." like I get no say. I HATE that. I am a adult, we are married, I am 50% of this marriage I HAVE to be able to talk too!
But then I was so angry and guilty. I never thought I would be an abusive person, I never thought I would hurt someone. I can't express emotions very well, so I just went into the bedroom. Came out 1 mintue later and said " I'm so sorry." I completely and whole heartily meant it. I felt at that moment that I have never been more sorry for anything in my life. The guilt was just eating me alive. I felt like it was a fire, with words attached. Like your worthless, stupid, your a whore, abusive bitch, can't do anything right.

Next day husband went to work, I cut the hell out of my arm.

Before that it had been a good day, I had applied for college and was excited and happy about it, I felt I was making progress. Now I feel stupid. Why try?

 

[Unhinged]

Lets see, for most of this past week I feel as if I'm fallind down the rabbit hole farther/again. Haven't slept decently since before the wedding (10-12 days). Have had a major increase in panic attacks. Just overall things have felt like they're going downhill again, and fast.

Today I woke up to a phone message from my mother that her test results came back and she has cervical cancer. So for how i'm feeling lets go with:

Sad/Scared that I will loose my mom.
Extremely Angry my mom has been thru a lot in her life too, this is totally unfair to her.
Hurt/Crushed it seems like we will never catch a break.

All day all I have wanted to do is curl up in my hubby's arms and just cry, but that never happened. Instead I went all 'anti-social' put on my mp3 player and layed on the couch with a blanket over my head all evening. Now my hubby is asleep and I want to be selfish, wake him up, and ask him to help me cry.

 

[Elizabeth]

Fear of change is what I am dealing with right now. I am not sleeping or have an appetite. I have been homebound due to knee surgery for a couple of years. I qualified for retraining just a few days ago. Its wonderful and scary at the same time. I can not seem to make my self leave my house for any extended period. Some weeks I don't go out at all. So I have two months to face this and get ready for a full time schedule. I don't know how I am going to get myself up and running so to speak. I have been affected by PTSD since childhood. The last few years I have had a stalker, I still do. I got beat up pretty badly, my art ripped up, false suicide threats from stalker....the list goes on. My protection order just seemed to stir up conflict. I had my mailbox smashed, my house broken into and my beloved cat Loki disappeared. I am scared to leave my home these days.