Relationship Push pull from a combat vet with ptsd

[dulcia]

I get it, I really do. It's awesome and then it sucks. Problem is, if he's got unmanaged PTSD and isn't seeking out or participating in any sort of treatment? It's just going to stay that way. Back and forth and back and forth....push and pull. Just take care of yourself. Put a little of that energy you've got tied up in worrying about him towards yourself for now instead.

 

[RottieMama]

Thank you tiredtexan... I very much appreciate your advice, wisdom and heart....

 

[EveHarrington]

By telling him you'd be there through anything you inadvertently told him you are going to be a doormat and he can treat you any which way he wants.

 

[RottieMama]

Would like to give an update to get some more advice.... since the last post.... we have been on a rocky road... he came back but it's been unstable since.... we've had times where things were more stable but then he starts verbally abusing me and then ends the relationship.... we got on some stable ground and then my dog passed away... he felt it more important to go shopping rather than go with me to put my dog to sleep.... he went overseas for work and while gone we had some talks... he came back and we got passed it all... he ended up coming on my large 9/11 charity run but left after the first day... he completely lost it and felt that I was not paying enough attention to him.... keep in mind this is a major event and I am the SOLE person responsible for it. He made a scene, got drunk, got loud and left. Everyone's comment was 'what's the deal with the angry guy?' I came home and he begged for me to come back to him.... we had some conversations and then a week later he lost it.... yelling, calling me every name in the book, took my phone and went through it, called #'s he didn't recognize at 1am! Then he pushed me. The next morning I get a phone call, he's crying and begging for me back. We have more conversations and I told him he had to get help before I'd consider anything. He started with counseling and has gone twice. We start to have conversations and spend some time together. I go out of town for a trip with my siblings (annual event we have done for 5 yrs). Our rental car is broken into and everything stolen. He didn't seem to care. We still had a good conversation but then in a matter of 24 hours a switch flipped and he was worse than ever. He would not leave me alone the entire time. Calling me a whore, c*nt, piece of shit, worthless, he doesn't care if I die, etc. But then for the first time eve he posts pictures of us on Facebook. I get a long email apologizing and telling me if I loved him I wouldn't give up and I'd help him get help. Let's jump back a few weeks - after he left the run he apparently started running with what he told me was a run group. A woman began posting pictures of them together running and saying cutesy things. I saw a text message between them and he worded it as such that you'd think they were dating. As I'm gone with my siblings, I find out that they are running a lot - more because she is posting pictures of them. Today I question him about her - well come to find out that they had gone on some dates a month before he and I began dating. He reached out to her after he left my charity run so he 'wouldn't be by myself'. He admitted he left that detail out - that they had dated. He admits she may have feelings for him. But he says there is nothing on his end. While on my sibling trip, after all of the abuse and the long email declaring an apology and love, he tells me he ran 16.5 miles and the whole time he thought of me and how much he missed me..... well today I found out that he did that run with her. He says there is nothing there but every ounce of me does not believe it and look at the facts. He wants me to give yet another chance. My judgment says no and to walk away but him telling me he needs help, loves me, needs my help to get help, is really confusing the heck out of me. I've never had anyone in my life treat me like this. I've never been spoken to like he has spoken to me. I've never been pushed. And the whole likelihood of him doing something with this other woman while not exactly providing the whole truth?! I recognize I'm still new to PTSD and TBI but at one point does one say enough? At what point does one look out for themselves? And not feel guilty about it?!

 

[Sighs]

Right about now.

I've put up with some pretty awful behaviour from my veteran but if I found out he was regularly seeing an ex who he knows still has feelings for him - I'd be gone so fast his head would spin. And he would never hear from me again.

 

[dulcia]

Calling me a whore, c*nt, piece of shit, worthless, he doesn't care if I die, etc. But then for the first time eve he posts pictures of us on Facebook. I get a long email apologizing and telling me if I loved him I wouldn't give up and I'd help him get help.

Been there done that. He'll push you again and it will most likely be worse next time.

A woman began posting pictures of them together running and saying cutesy things. I saw a text message between them and he worded it as such that you'd think they were dating. As I'm gone with my siblings, I find out that they are running a lot - more because she is posting pictures of them. Today I question him about her - well come to find out that they had gone on some dates a month before he and I began dating. He reached out to her after he left my charity run so he 'wouldn't be by myself'. He admitted he left that detail out - that they had dated.

Been there done that, too. This is also likely to happen again and the conversation/"friendship" could also be much worse next time.

Seems like you should leave. The extreme apologizing and begging and crying is just another way to get you to come back without him actually having to do anything to ensure it won't happen again.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Hi folks, new here on the site and would love some advice. I met a man with combat PTSD and TBI a ye...

I would say that you have to make a decision at this point. I personally did a lot of research and joined this forum to help me with getting myself prepared to handle my situation with my sufferer. If you really love him and want to stand by him, hang in there.

 

[LB226]

Would like to give an update to get some more advice.... since the last post.... we have been on a r...

Are you still in a relationship with this man? I am in a very similar situation. Dated 7 months and we were planning on getting married next summer. Saw PTSD symptoms throughout the 7 months, then one major fight caused him to sever the relationship and he forced me to move out of our house. He was verbally abusive during the weeks after the fight. It's been a month and i've reached out to him via email and he responds with profanity and tells me to NEVER contact him again. I had no idea what PTSD was upon dating this man. His mood swings, and behavior toward me was so confusing. I'm not trying to get my life back on track after experiencing these traumatic events.
I also wonder if he'll try to contact me again after his flare up calms down, but I also know I cannot fix him.

 

[RottieMama]

Well the situation has been a roller coaster and continues to be and tonight I told him I am getting off of it.... he began counseling but I use that loosely.... he's gone 3x and tells me that his counselor says I am the problem. I have asked him if he has explained to her how he has been, what he has said, etc. I specifically asked because he told me never has recollection of what he does or says. In fact, just 2 weeks ago he said he has been drinking which has caused his actions. O, I should actually go back a bit.... he really went into a rage about 3-4 weeks ago and literally CREATED an email. He sent it to me and saying it was my communication with a man from my run. Oddly, I have never had email communication with the man so I knew he was making it up. AND my conversations with the man have strictly been about the run. Well, he went ahead and created an email... sent it to me calling me a whore - he also sent it to my government email account AND to my brother on social media. Well, let's just say my brother is beyond pissed that anyone would call his sister such crap. My boyfriend's anger got so bad 3-4 weeks ago that I literally considered getting a restraining order... then he is saying he is suicidal.... then his mom hits me up on social media - never spoken to her before because let's face it, we've only been dating since late May 2017. She is worried about him. So I've been sticking around and he has stabilized to a point. But of course now tells me that his counselor and everyone in his life tells him that I am the problem and that if I really loved him I would stay by his side.... it just seems like a lot of manipulation. Frankly, all of his treatment has crushed me... I've never been treated like this, never been in a situation where someone has said what he has said, never been pushed, never thought I would ever have to consider a restraining order.... And yet, the crazy thing is I still have feelings for him... still remember the good times we have had.... I just don't know if his actions are PTSD, TBI or just being a complete jerk. It's constant manipulation. It's constant him tearing me town. It's constant trying to alienate me from everyone I love and care about. So I told him it was over and again he flipped around and it's all my fault and I am the horrible person.... trying hard to not fall into what he has said but can't lie, it's really hard.

 

[LB226]

Well the situation has been a roller coaster and continues to be and tonight I told him I am getting...

First of all, It doesn't really matter if it's PTSD, TBI or him being a jerk. It is most likely all three. The fact is, he has mental illness that you can't fix. These men are not ALL good or ALL bad. You fall in love with the kind, caring part of him, but along with that comes the PTSD part of him. You can't have one without the other. It's an emotional rollercoaster that brings nothing but stress and walking on eggshells.
My guy (ex marine with 14yrs of service and three war tours) was only seeing a therapist 2x a month, which in my opinion barely touches the tip of the iceberg. I had no idea what PTSD was prior to dating him, but I figured since he was making attempts to seek help, he had things under control. How wrong I was!!! I've steeped myself in PTSD since our breakup. I wish I had know what I know now.
When these guys don't take responsibility for their illness and it's unmanaged, they will blame YOU for everything. My guy even told me his family and therapist were supportive of how he ended our relationship. I will never believe him for a minute! He violently forced me our of our house, threatening to burn all my belongings If I were not out of the house in a matter of days. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. He was so verbally abusive the days that followed, and threatened to beat me to an inch of my life....if I were a guy. I've never had a man use such profanities toward me. The mind can't understand, because one minute they love you and the next they want you dead. It's such a mind f**k.
I will never believe his family or therapist were supportive of his behavior toward me. I guarantee he didn't tell them the truth of what happened because anyone with even a drop of morality would be so ashamed. It's all about CONTROL. They have to control you and they will lie to do so. It gives them power.
I fell in love with my guy, planned on a future with him, in the process of designing an engagement ring...the whole bit. It was 7 months of my life, but as painful as this experience has been, I'm thankful we ONLY had 7 months. It was just a matter of time before the relationship imploded and I'm just glad it wasn't after a wedding and much deeper entanglements.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to get far away from him. I know you still care and want to help him, but think of what a future with him will look like. He's already shown you an very clear, yet awful preview in the past 5 months. Can you image years of this??! You deserve so much better. We both deserve so much better.
You have to focus on you, get your mind and body in a healthier state. His PTSD will break you down and make you feel worthless.
Just know that you are not alone in your experience. There will be so many empty holes and unanswered questions but you're dealing with mental illness.
My hope would be for these men to NOT get into relationships unless they are doing the hard work of managing it and seeing improvements. Some should NEVER drag another into their damaged world.
Pray, seek professional help FOR YOURSELF. Get strong and get away from this toxic man.

 

[DharmaGirl]

If this were a friend that you had met, would you put up with this behavior?

 

[RottieMama]

@ladyboss226 thank you.... first, I am so sorry for your experience and everything you have gone through.... I had a broken engagement years ago and it is NOT easy! And that guy did not have PTSD or the like! So I am so sorry! I appreciate your wisdom and advice... I took today to be by myself completely and it felt good... he blew my phone up early this morning saying how much he loved me and couldn't live without me but I told him I 100% needed space.... I went to cross fit, hiked all day... I then went and watched the new movie "Thank You For Your Service"... certainly left crying.... and then there it was on social media.... he was with another woman.... geez.... I don't get it... I don't understand.... is this PTSD? Is it TBI? Or is he just a complete asshole?????