Pushed My Husband Over The Edge/terrified

[Quakegirl]

we had a big fight this morning. He got so angry with me he threw two remote controls across the room and stormed off. Tonight I tried to talk to him again. It ended up with him slamming chairs against the table and slamming things down angrily. I asked him to stop, as he was scaring me. He told me I push him so hard, this is what happens. I ended up shaking and crying under the table. It only ever happens with him/ He left. I feel like a monster. I think I have destroyed our marriage by pushing and pushing for reassurance and closeness. We don't have any. I say all I want is to be held; he says maybe if I stopped being such a bitch and criticizing him, we would have that. He is right. I am horrible to him, I am just so desperate for closeness and nothing is enough.

 

[Fadeaway]

First of all, which one of you has PTSD? From what you have written, it could be either one. It will be much easier to know how to reply with that information.

 

[Quakegirl]

Sorry. I was a mess. Ok now. It's me. But I don't usually freak out like that. Usually I just numb out or get angry.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

In what way/s are you "horrible to him"?

I guess I'm wondering if you really are horrible or if he's saying that as a way of controlling you.

 

[Fadeaway]

Thank you for replying. First of all you are not horrible. He is wrong.

I say all I want is to be held; he says maybe if I stopped being such a bitch and criticizing him, we would have that.

Wanting to be held is human nature. It intensifies if we didn't get it in sufficient amounts as a child. If you don't have closeness in your marriage people will either push or shut down completely. I am going to go on a limb and guess that you had some early childhood trauma or attachment issues in early life? I am sorry he isn't giving you what you need but he is definitely the one in the wrong here. What you are asking for is such a simple thing and super easy to give for most people. So either he has issues of his own that interfere with intimacy or he is just being a dickhead and misplacing the blame.

My heart goes out to you because I can really relate to this but with out the throwing stuff. What does your outside support look like?

 

[Stitchin]

This is unacceptable, sounds to me like he's terrorizing you... my marriage was like this 24/7, and looking back I can see how he used my ptsd against me, gaslighting me and making me feel like it was all my fault, all the time, when in fact he was abusing me.
Are you in therapy? If you are I hope you're sharing this with your T, another perspective is crucial here...

 

[LadyZane]

Yes this is what abusers say -- that they only act this way because "you push them" or that if you weren't so [fill in the blank with their detrimental word of choice] it wouldn't push their buttons. The truth is that they have issues with self control and emotional regulation and are behaving in a way that nobody should behave towards another person -- and then blaming someone else instead of taking responsibility for themselves. This is not how normal adults behave, and it's not your fault.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

First, welcome to the forum, Quakegirl! I have to agree with the others. I have PTSD as well, and I'm only beginning to realize how easy it was for my husband to control me by triggering me. I said horrible things, too, but now I see that I only did that when I was triggered and reacting to something that he did. That doesn't make it ok, but he lost his martyr status.

Any chance the two of you could see a counsellor? One with experience with trauma would probably be a great help. Good luck, and keep us posted!