Relationship Pushing boundaries

[Deleted member 44030]

Hi everyone,

At what point do you know your boundaries are beeing crossed and what do you do when that happens?

My cptsd spouse crossed mine when he started to villify my mom, who has always been very supportive of us.

I have learned to some extent to deal with his anger when it's aimed at me, but here I'm stuck, because it is starting to affect other people.

 

[Chris-duck]

I'm not sure anybody here is able to give you a definite answer on this, but I'd say the best indicator for if your boundaries are being crossed is that you feel like your boundaries are being crossed. Have you spoken to him about this? I also want to add that you don't need to put up with anger against you either, it's not your job as a supporter, it's his job to manage his anger in a way where it's not being taken out on you or your loved ones.

 

[Dergrosse]

I feel like us sufferers sometimes take advantage of our support. I've done it in the past myself, it's a lot easier to say you need to learn to deal with my anger issues I can't help how I am.

With all the rules we have, don't be afraid to share yours. If your willing to deal with his anger when it's directed towards you, but not your mom, say it. Boundaries are different for everyone, if you think it may have been crossed it probably has been.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ask him to please respectfully stop.

If he continues, walk away.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

what do you do when that happens?

For every boundry there is a defined consequence for crossing said boundry which is laid out and understood by everyone affected when the boundry is placed. If there isn't a clear defined consequence then the boundry isn't a proper boundry. If there's a consequence for said boundry then you simply deploy the consequence.

Maybe redo and lay down the boundry again with a consequence. Make sure it's fully understood and go from there.

 

[zombycat]

I have seen this from both sides of the relationship, first from exes who let their own PTSD turn into emotionally abusive habits towards me, and later when I unknowingly began to mirror this same behaviors back on other people. In the moment, that anger and negativity feels right and justified to me. At its core is always some kernel of a thing that had been bugging me that I haven't wanted to address. Sometimes it doesn't even resemble the current point of contention much, but there is always a link for me.
Adopting a 'poor damaged me, I can't help it' attitude is wrong and damaging to ourselves and those around us, but in the moment it often feels true. It is up to us to put in the work to learn what will help is push past that and retake control of ourselves.

I find it very concerning that you have adopted an 'if he's a jerk to me it's okay, but if he's a jerk to someone else it's not' stance. Its not okay for him to lash out at anyone, yourself included. You are the front lines on this battlefield. You have to protect yourself or you will get hurt. Learning self control is a process and a long one and part of being in the trenches for him is making sure you don't become one of the walking wounded yourself.

I agree with what others have said. If you feel he is pushing boundaries, then he is, and the two of you need to sit down and have a talk about exactly what those boundaries are and exactly what you each plan to do to keep those lines from being crossed.

 

[Multitudes]

This may seem a dumb question, but what does it feel like when boundaries are crossed?

I ask, because my boundaries have been ignored, literally constantly, my whole life until recently, so it's as normal to me as not being aware of your toes because they're always there.. anxiety was like that too, but I've recently learned to recognize the physical changes and associate the thoughts and emotions (ongoing process).

 

[EveHarrington]

This may seem a dumb question, but what does it feel like when boundaries are crossed?

I ask...

It’s uncomfortable on one level or another.

But the thing is, since everyone’s boundaries are different, it’s up to you to set those boundaries and enforce them.

 

[Snowflakes]

At what point do you know your boundaries are beeing crossed and what do you do when that happens?

Since my boundaries are mine, I just need to know that I told my sufferer what my boundary is and what I will do if that boundary is crossed. As long as you stated your boundary clearly without ambiguity then you will know exactly when it’s crossed.

My cptsd spouse crossed mine when he started to villify my mom, who has always been very supportive of us.

And you have a consequence that you follow through on when that boundary is crossed?

I have learned to some extent to deal with his anger when it's aimed at me, but here I'm stuck, because it is starting to affect other people.

It’s up to those other people to decide what to do when he directs his anger towards them. You can’t control or change others, only yourself.

 

[Deleted member 44030]

Since my boundaries are mine, I just need to know that I told my sufferer what my boundary is and wh...

Snowflakes, I find it hard to enforce consequences, I wouldn't know where to start. I have little leverage over him as he is very self-reliant i every way imaginable.

 

[EveHarrington]

Boundaries aren’t consequences in a punishment sort of way.

You simply remove yourself from the situation if someone doesn’t abide by your boundaries.

 

[Deleted member 44030]

Boundaries aren’t consequences in a punishment sort of way.

You simply remove yourself from t...

How do I remove myself from the situation where he tells me he can't accept my mother and finds it hard to be around her? It has come so far that she doesn't feel welcome at our house anymore.