Relationship Pushing me far, far away

[MF1994]

Hi,

I had been dating my partner for approaching a year, until she got a new job recently. This really seemed to take a lot out of her and over the space of a few weeks she really pulled away from me. She has repressed PTSD from a former partner raping her, and when I first met her she was recovering. We sped through things quite quickly - I can be quite pushy but it felt comfortable for both of us at the time.

She came home one night and broke up with me, saying she needed time and space to sort herself out and get better, and didn't want me to wait for her as there were no guarantees if/when she'd ever come back. We've tried talking since but she said she was "doing pretty good" with the breathing space and still isn't ready to be with someone (being with me proved that, she said) so as such it's quite painful for us to speak so I've asked her not to chat until she's better.

I'm still so conflicted and not sure what to do - been reading a lot on here about the push-pull, and I know I have to give her space and let her work this out. But I'm so afraid she isn't coming back - or if she does get better, she'll find someone else and I'll just be left devastated. I keep wanting to talk to her but am trying to give her what she's asked for - I love her to bits and want her to get better. I've had to move out of the flat we're living in and am trying to conceal how much I'm hurt/in pain that she's gone, knowing her sorting this is more important.

So am I doing the right thing? Do I just leave it and hope she comes back, and be prepared for her not? Or is there something I should say, tell her I'm missing her? I feel like the former is probably right but just sitting here not knowing is killing me. She told me not to wait or hold out for false hope (so she doesn't feel guilty I'm waiting while she's getting better) but I love her and just want to be there for her.

What do I do? She's my wonder-girl :(

 

[Sweetpea76]

Respecting her boundaries is key. If she says she can’t be in a relationship I’d take her at her word. Don’t use the PTSD to invalidate her break up... it sounds like she was pretty clear and consistent with what she said.

All you can do is be honest. Say what you mean and mean what you say. There are no magic word to fix this. You’re not going to be able to say the right thing or do the right thing and make her healthy enough for a relationship. If you miss her you can tell her you miss her. If you’re hurt, you can tell her you’re hurt. If it’s too hard to be friends, you can tell her why. Being open and honest is never a bad thing.

I wouldn’t sit around and torture yourself waiting for her to get suddenly get better. It’s not a quick fix. There is no cure for PTSD. It can be managed with a lot of work, but it’s a long process. Think years, not months.

That’s what sucks about being a supporter. We have zero control. If our partners become to I’ll to function in a relationship there is nothing we can do to fix it.

 

[MF1994]

Respecting her boundaries is key. If she says she can’t be in a relationship I’d take her at her word. Don’t use the PTSD to invalidate her break up... it sounds like she was pretty clear and consistent with what she said.

All you can do is be honest. Say what you mean and mean what you say. There are no magic word to fix this. You’re not going to be able to say the right thing or do the right thing and make her healthy enough for a relationship. If you miss her you can tell her you miss her. If you’re hurt, you can tell her you’re hurt. If it’s too hard to be friends, you can tell her why. Being open and honest is never a bad thing.

I wouldn’t sit around and torture yourself waiting for her to get suddenly get better. It’s not a quick fix. There is no cure for PTSD. It can be managed with a lot of work, but it’s a long process. Think years, not months.

That’s what sucks about being a supporter. We have zero control. If our partners become to I’ll to function in a relationship there is nothing we can do to fix it.

I think I know you're spot on, I'm just struggling. I'm trying to accept things are over, but am finding it hard. She's been very clear about it being over and I don't want to torture myself waiting (I already have the past 3 weeks tbh).

I don't want to hurt her/make it more difficult for her to sort stuff by telling her I miss her and I'm hurting. Am also worried by doing this I'm not respecting said boundaries. I'd really like to be there for her but am scared I can't do this without the reassurance of being together, and as such am worried I'll mess it up because I'll want something she's not able to do.

What's best? I've currently walked away completely saying I guess we'll see where we are when she's better, but is it best to stick around as friends for now or is that a bad idea? What I want more than anything is for her to feel better but also feel super guilty that I know I'd want us to be together too. I don't think it's a good idea to chat and be friends if I'm not over her, but also don't want her to think I've abandoned her just because I can't get exactly what I want.

 

[EveHarrington]

She broke up with you.

Many people find it impossible to be friends with someone they are no longer with.

Do you see how this isn’t abandonment?

It’s a break up, initiated by her.

I mean I can’t dump my boyfriend and then scream abandonment if he isn’t willing to still be my friend.

If she FEELS abandoned, that’s on her.

I feel abandoned a lot, but 99% of the time nobody is abandoning me, rather it’s my own perception.

 

[MF1994]

She broke up with you.

Many people find it impossible to be friends with someone they are no longer with.

Do you see how this isn’t abandonment?

It’s a break up, initiated by her.

I mean I can’t dump my boyfriend and then scream abandonment if he isn’t willing to still be my friend.

If she FEELS abandoned, that’s on her.

I feel abandoned a lot, but 99% of the time nobody is abandoning me, rather it’s my own perception.

You’re 100% right - I don’t think I’ve abandoned her I just don’t want to think I have.

I think this thread just reaffirmed what I knew - I read another one where a guy clung on for a long time and handled the whole thing not great and I don’t want to go down that route, so I’ve just gotta accept it’s the end.

Thanks for the helpful messages.

 

[Sweetpea76]

At this point in time you need to shift the focus to your own mental health and well being.