Relationship Question for ptsd sufferers: can feelings go up and down?

[Justmehere]

It seems like your primary focus is on how he feels for you rather than his feelings and symptoms generally. I think if you do more research on understanding what it’s like to have PTSD generally, his actions and statements might begin to make more sense.

Really high PTSD symptoms can feel like running from a hungry tiger 24-7, while being hit with a truck of sadness, and like floating away into utter numbness. At my worst, my PTSD symptoms lead me to question my very existence. Learning to simply even identify what feelings I had, to litterally name and identify anger as anger, sadness as sadness, was a process. It was a hard and very painful process. Love was the last thing for me to figure out. That’s just how it’s been for me.

For him? It could be very different.

*If* the “flatness” is PTSD related, and it may not at all be PTSD related, that a sign he’s maxed out.because of symptoms. Not because it’s personal about you.

It’s good you recognize asking him how he feels for you over and over when he goes flat isn’t helping you get your needs met and is overwhelming him. It’s also clear that as much as he is suffering, he does not want you to be hurt either.

I think the challenge for many supporters (and this sucks for supporters to have to figure out to navigate) is to learn that if a PTSD suffer feels emotionally flat for a few days, how the supporter can not panic the flatness is about them.

Does this make sense?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Hi Ronin.

Thanks for your reply.

He isn’t a bad guy, we had a well functioning relations...

This is so amazing because the exact same thing happened in my situation. I haven’t been as clear about it, but he broke up with me initially in August, then we seemed to be fine, then he reassured the break up in early October, and again we seemed to be fine. I reminded him of important dates we shared during our relationship, and that’s when I noticed the ghosting/isolation.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

My primary focus isn’t on his feelings for ME. I had a moment of weakness, I am actually Trying to be very patient and understanding, and I think I’ve done well so far.

Yes I had a moment of weakness where I put pressure on him, I let my doubts get to me. I’m only human and I am new to this.

It’s hard not to panic and also hard to see your partner of many years turn in to someone else. I always say, it feels like you’re burying someone who is alive, but he’s just him anymore.

Thanks for the continuous info and support everyone.

 

[Hojay]

Could very well be the numbing, distancing, plain-not-feeling-anything that can go with PTSD. Either way, however, it sounds like he isn't knowledgeable or aware enough of his own condition and what each flavor of feeling (or lack thereof) means to adequately respond (i.e. do nothing and wait it out, rather than end a 7 year relationship out of emotional confusion and what could be temporary numbness.)

I understand both sides: you needing reassurance and "pressuring" him for it. I mean, any normal person would have issues with this if there haven't been enough numb-normal cycles to understand it's just part of the disorder. I understand him also, he probably feels a lot of shame and guilt. My partner often tells me that knowing he's hurting me compounds his issues tenfold. He's come close to breaking up with me because of that many times. It hurts. But bottom line, all you can do is educate yourself, communicate to him what you've understood (if you want,) come to terms with it, and hope he's willing to learn and cope with you.

Like someone else pointed out, we have limited info as to what, how, who your partner is. In the context of PTSD relationships, his behavior doesn't seem totally abnormal. But none of us can really say if it's only PTSD or if there are other reasons for the breakup as well. That's why it's so important to focus on you. Whichever it is, you need to be clear, strong, and confident in facing him. That's easier said than done, I know.

 

[Freida]

d it’s because he states ‘I can’t offer you what you deserve right now. You deserve better than this and than me. I feel dead inside, I don’t deel any emotions and it hurts me so much to see how in love you are and that I can’t give you that love back right now’

Yep. Been here. Said this. I often feel like hubby got a raw deal being stuck with me but he seems to be ok with it most of the time. He's pretty laid back. But there are many times where I just can't feel anything and then I feel like crap. We stick it out because it's always been part of our lives ( I was like this when he met me).

I'm a ghost so once I "decide" hubby is better off without me I want to bail, never to be seen again. Usually its because of what is going on in my own head and the overwhelming fear of whatever is rattling around in there at the time.

BUT. and this is a big BUT. If I wasn't willing to get help and try to find a way to change my responses I wouldn't expect him to stay. He would deserve someone that cared enough about themselves to try to fix what was affecting the relationship. If your guy knows there is a problem and refuses to deal with it....... yea. that could be a deal breaker

 

[savon davais]

PTSD is truly a mental and physical killer, combat veterans with PTSD can run the whole spectrum from top to bottom. Love, hate and everything in between. Women that had there men before combat can see what I am saying. I am a combat veteran I lost my wife and children year's ago. I lost everything more than once. I am what I am a cold hard combat veteran , I am 60 year's old and would not wish this on anyone. But I will tell the women that are listening this one thing . Don't give up, there is hope. That hope is you,The women that have the strength to soften that cold hard heart.

PTSD is used by many people today as an excuse for how they conducting there self's.and how they project their mental status. I am a combat veteran so I spend a lot of my time with VA doctors trying to understand and control this diagnosed problem. Through medicine and therapist you find relief but there is no cure.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Thank you all for your replies.

I am learning a lot and I am so grateful. Again, I find it hard to keep my emotions in check. I just saw him now for a quick coffee and just wanted to be normal and hold his hand, be near him. I didn't. and neither did he. It doesn't feel right and it hurts.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I think the challenge for many supporters (and this sucks for supporters to have to figure out to navigate) is to learn that if a PTSD suffer feels emotionally flat for a few days, how the supporter can not panic the flatness is about them.

That has been the biggest problem with my marriage that is until I read an article I found online to my husband. When he got that my PTSD is not about him it was such a huge relief for him. Our marriage in 2017 improved considerably with my husband learning there wasn't anything he could do to change my PTSD and what happened to me.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Could you please send me the link of the article? Cheers x

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Could you please send me the link of the article?

Unfortunately, I cannot find it on the internet anywhere. These days websites disappear as fast as they show up. I discovered it at the beginning of 2017. Sorry can't help you there. You could try a search engine and look up the parameters of the article, i.e.; PTSD is not my husband's problem it's mine or ? And I'm good at doing research as I'm a writer so I exhausted as many ways as possible before giving up on it.

 

[Sighs]

Numbness for a few days I can handle. My vet has been numb or angry towards me for a year now.

Intellectually I know why. The reasons have nothing to do with me. But the treatment hurts just the same.

 

[Gemini83]

Thank you for posting this and thank you to everyone for the replies. This is exactly what I’ve been wanting to know. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We’ve known he’s had PTSD from combat for awhile. He seemed to be doing better but he had been hiding a lot of things. Due to circumstances, mainly the military, we live in separate states for the time being. He had an awful flare and was very self destructive a few months ago. Depending on the day he wants to try and fix things between us or not. He bounces back and forth. One of the big reasons I can’t leave him right now is because this isn’t him, this has never been him. It contradicts everything he has said about relationships and the last 15 years. I honestly think that when he says he feels nothing; he’s hiding behind that now because he can’t face the guilt and shame of his actions a few months ago.