Relationship Question For The Long Term Supporters/old Timers

[Linzee]

@Linzee I think it's awesome that you're making progress and are stronger than be...

I am not and would never belittle how crippling and consuming PTSD is. I am not about to play 'one up'. I may not have divulged everything in life I've been through some if which I still bear physical as well as mental scars from. I sort counselling a long time ago and laid it to rest. When I say fight harder I mean by going back to therapy and him sticking to it. Instead of putting it off and hoping he can fix it himself.

To give an example I grew up having to endure severe racial discrimination. At 4 years old I was playing with my doll outside my house on the grass my mum in the kitchen looking out. The racist family who lived opposite saw me alone and set their dog upon me. To this day I can still feel how breathless I was, my little legs despedately

 

[Linzee]

Desperately trying to out run thus animal back to my mum. The fear, the panic and then later as I grew up and realised it was all because they hated the colour of my skin. That's just one incident but point being I decided to face it and get help. I remember it but it doesn't dominate my life.

I hope that kinda explains where I'm coming from better. I really do have compassion for how tough it is.

 

[BlueOrange]

When I say fight harder I mean by going back to therapy and him sticking to it. Instead of putting it off and hoping he can fix it himself.

Oh! In that case, I agree completely.

That experience with the dog sounds terrifying. There was a girl in my high school with massive scars on her face from a dog attack, so I take it seriously. I think it's a really good example of a traumatic memory, and the response you describe sounds normal and healthy (although very unpleasant) to me.

I've been thinking alot about why some people get PTSD and other people don't. It seems likely to me that four-year-old you was able to make sense of what happened. Probably something like 'there are racists in the world, racists do bad things to people like me, this is an example of racists doing bad things'.

For comparison, four-year-old me was thinking 'my parents don't hurt me unless I am bad. My father hurts me when I cry. I can't hide the crying. I won't feel pain ever again.' This (to put it mildly) did not set me up to develop healthy ways of handling the inevitable pains of living.

 

[Linzee]

Oh! In that case, I agree completely.

That experience with the dog sounds terrifying. There was a g...

Yeah, my mum ran out and saved me in time with the broom she was sweeping with. I think we absolutely understand each other. I feel fortunate I don't suffer PTSD not even a fear of dogs? Its an interesting point you make however about why some people go through traumatic events without lifelong PTSD and others not...age could be a factor.

 

[BlueOrange]

Regarding the age factor, it seems to predict the way that the mind breaks more than it predicts 'if it will break' - you and I both had traumatic experiences at age 4, but there's no evidence that you have PTSD / structural dissociation. However, early childhood neglect seems to be the only way to get DID (lots of deep fractures), while DDNOS (lots of fractures) requires chronic trauma, and PTSD (one fracture) is more typical in adult onset. (There's a thread on Structural Dissociation that explains those differences better.)

So, my working theory is that trauma which doesn't make sense is how the cracks in the mind start to form. And that it's when the cracks themselves are frightening that PTSD / structural dissociation comes into being.

 

[Linzee]

Regarding the age factor, it seems to predict the way that the mind breaks more than it predicts 'if...

Hmmm, interesting. Thanks for enlightening, I gotta read up in that.

 

[TheMinsterman]

@TheMinsterman yes that's kind of how I feel, I am actually very ok with the pure...

I can take her isolating, I can take her not wanting to talk "feelings" etc, it's the total lack of cogent communication that killed me, still does to be honest as it's very much fresh. Telling me she wasn't "into this", yet was missing a piece, gaping hole in her life etc, its like... so we've broken up... but you still have feelings, yet act like breaking up was almost like returning a pair of shoes?

She has torn open my deep trust issues and made me feel utterly worthless and unlovable with how quickly she just dropped me, I'm sure in her head she see's it as I just need to be alone, so tell him I'm not into this and retreat without really considering the consequences, it's like she is quite oblivious to how much hurt she has caused.

 

[grimalkin]

She has torn open my deep trust issues and made me feel utterly worthless and unlovable with how quickly she just dropped me, I'm sure in her head she see's it as I just need to be alone, so tell him I'm not into this and retreat without really considering the consequences, it's like she is quite oblivious to how much hurt she has caused.

*hugs if you want them* I feel you. Today, I've found myself trying to figure out how to help my sufferer move into his own place - when he's the one who dumped me. He has no inkling of the wake he's leaving. For him, it's just that he needs to be alone, period. He doesn't (or won't) see that he's destroyed our home and the life we'd built, and MY safety too (not just his), and that I'm left to pick up my own pieces, and now his too (We live in a community property state - each of us owns half of our assets and money. Right now, I have more ready money, ironically, while he has more future income - he was depending on a settlement that's now not coming, so "we" have to save for him to be able to move). Legally (and morally,) I have to do this and it's maddening.

I'm moving past the worthless and unlovable, thankfully, while I work on my issues that cause me to feel that. But I still feel...disposable and completely abandoned. And the very thought of trusting anyone again is not even on the horizon yet.

Also, interesting ideas about how and why and what type of PTSD is formed. I was by no means neglected as a child, and knew my parents loved me. I had a few traumatic events, but nothing that has made me develop PTSD. As @BlueOrange mentioned, maybe because they "made sense?" BUT, my childhood did lead to a pretty hefty dose of codependency I'm finally seeing and working through. And I've lived with depression and anxiety literally my whole life.

The brain is a curious thing.

 

[grimalkin]

I should add, I in no way want to belittle what my sufferer is going through, or trivialize it. My anger as well stems from the fact that he COULD work on himself, and chooses not to. I can try to imagine what it's like, but I know my own experience, even with the numbness and self-harm that came with depression, doesn't quite come close.

But at some point, he has to take some responsibility too, for our relationship ending. I don't want him to hurt, and it is devastating to me to know he thinks I am a danger to him. So all I can do is walk away, and apparently, still keep him together while I am.

 

[TheMinsterman]

*hugs if you want them* I feel you. Today, I've found myself trying to figure out how to help my suff...

Greatly appreciated, the tunnel vision and self-preservationist behaviour of PTSD sufferers, whilst entirely understandable in the context of the condition and their emotional state at the time, just leaves a mass of chaos and victims in it's wake. I don't believe she set out with the intention of hurting me, but her prioritisation of how she was feeling and what she needed right then and there 100% didn't take into account what it would do to me, and yes, I understand why, but it doesn't change how it makes me feel.

I am left feeling like breaking up was like taking out the trash in terms of being so inconsequential to her, thus I feel worthless and like I am unlovable and easy to reject, it'd added on top of the fact my relationships have ended with them just losing interest and dropping me more than once, so it's like groundhog day.

She has discussed feeling like I betrayed her and made her feel worse, but only during her ONE spell of clarity in the storm did she ever acknowledge I've been through a lot and she would have flipped her lid if it was in reverse, other than that my emotions and how its impacted me have felt like they're utterly irrelevant to her. I may be wrong of course, but she doesn't communicate anything well.

 

[BlueOrange]

@TheMinsterman and @grimalkin - I'm sad that you've had such a horrible time. @TheMinsterman , you're very clearly hurting a lot, and talking about the hurt in terms of downward spirals and so on. I hope you've got a therapist of your own?

 

[TheMinsterman]

@TheMinsterman and @grimalkin - I'm sad that you've had such a...

I haven't currently, though I am approaching some at university. I find it very hard because she still wants me around, but absolutely nothing is resolved and she doesn't really share she mostly blurts phrases out then retreats again. We're definitely broken up as things stand I have zero illusions there, but she says things and does things that just create confusion, I'm in a better place than I was, but I am still very vulnerable because of just how swift it was and how big a shift in her behaviour and the way she see's me/treats me.

I think that is the hardest part, in her case I think she's so used to suffering alone and her own coping mechanisms she just genuinely doesn't appreciate that when you're in a relationship with somebody who ISN'T an abuser your isolation and your pain isn't just your own any more, it is also the other person, who desperately misses you.