Questions about chronic depression, c/ptsd, dissociative amnesia, and loss of progress

[PTSD4UandME]

Intended title/prompt question didn't fit, so here's the real questions:

To those here who also have chronic depression: Has your depression ever gotten so bad that you actually forgot for long stretches of time that you have C/PTSD? Or, has your depression ever been so intense it erased years of significant healing work you’ve done and set you back to a kind of baseline?

//

Depression has been a real problem for me throughout my life, and I’ve begun to realize what an insidious motherf*cker it really is over the last three months or so, as I finally am starting to get back to 'normal' after coming out the second major depressive cycle that I’ve gone through now, each of which lasted 3-5 years and totally suffocated my life while I was going through them. It has only been somewhat recently, especially as I’ve learned about dissociation and recognized it’s almost constant presence in my experience of life that I have begun to realize that both of these major cycles reduced my mental level to such low functions and ramped up my dissociative amnesia to such intensity that throughout both of them, so roughly 8 years total, I did not remember that I even had CPTSD.

I don’t know if I could even believe that to be possible if I hadn’t experienced it myself.

The first cycle lasted from roughly ages 12-17, and I recently found out from my mom that I had been told by both her and my childhood therapist at various times that it was a part of my diagnosis when I was 8-10 or so, and my brain just completely locked the information away and buried it somewhere.

The second cycle lasted from around 23-26, and I do recall that a few times I 'noted' the information that I had CPTSD that I used to be managing, but it passed through my awareness like it was non-information, it meant less than nothing until the depression lifted and I started thinking straight again. A few months into feeling better I just started right back into my psychoeducation and self-treatment plans, and it wasn’t until I was a ways into this that I even noticed how bizarre what was happening felt.

Additionally, I just recognized today that the second major cycle was so powerful that it completely erased the significant, extremely powerful positive changes that I had begun to achieve in earnest from around 20-23. In this time I experienced remarkable growth and shifted into a healthy pattern of living for the first time in my life, but they disappeared with the re-arrival of my major depression and seem to have been utterly wiped out. I can’t connect to the memories or feelings of any of these achievements; they may as well have happened to someone else. I hadn’t realized that this was an actual possibility.

These realizations have been surreal — and a little scary, honestly — and I don’t know what, if anything, I can do with this information. Has anyone else with chronic depression had experiences like this? If so, do you have any idea how to prevent this when another major cycle comes on?

 

[Swift]

Hey,
Sorry you're experiencing this stuff.
I have MDD and C-PTSD and some pretty big struggles with dissociation too.
I haven't quite forgotten I have C-PTSD, but I get in phases where I forget things like Crit-A traumas.
Depression makes my dissociation worse, and feels bloody awful.
But... I see my depression as kinda caused by my PTSD.
So yeah, I get a bit of dissociative amnesia, esp when I'm depressed.
You're not alone.

 

[ladee]

I understand, of having years of not being cognizant of many things. Tho I was working, raising a family, going thru the motions.. I've had depressions so bad, that looking out at the world, everything was one dimensional and just grey. No color, no movement.. and no memory of what put me there.

You may think or feel you lost everything, but some things still got thru or stayed during that time.. it is a horrible horrible way to be alive. I won't go so far as to say living, because I didn't feel that I was. My brain was trained to go thru the motions.. like riding a bicycle... just going thru the motions, not thinking about them.

Welcome to the forum. Glad you are here, and proud of you asking the hard questions...

Many here will relate to some or all of what you shared. But being here helps. Even the times we don't remember. At least it's written down, and we can go back and read... you are not alone.

Glad you decided to take a chance and also to have support and encouragement from others... Hope you find a lot of answers and reassurance here.

 

[PTSD4UandME]

Hey,
Sorry you're experiencing this stuff.
I have MDD and C-PTSD and some pretty big struggles with dis...

I usually think of my depression as a secondary consequence of my CPTSD as well, which, I am learning, sometimes makes me underestimate it until it rears its head again and takes over.

While I'm obviously not pleased you're going through this as well, it does feel a little better knowing that it's not something too out of the ordinary to experience.

I get in phases where I forget things like Crit-A traumas.

I'm actually not familiar with the term Crit-A trauma, would you mind elaborating?

I understand, of having years of not being cognizant of many things. Tho I was working, raising a family,...

It really is a dehumanizing way to exist. Thanks for the reassurance, glad to be here

 

[Swift]

the term Crit-A trauma, would you mind elaborating

Not at all :)

Basically it's a diagnostic term in the DSM, the sort of trauma that can cause PTSD. Other terms would be "bad" trauma or "serious" trauma, I guess, but I think playing Trauma Olympics (whose trauma is the worst?!!?) is a dangerous game. People use trauma colloquially different to how it's used clinically. Eg, a bad dream is not a 'traumatic experience', but some people use the phrase that way. Crit-A is my byword for "really serious stuff".
I guess my point is that I forget stuff where I remember later and I'm like, "how the heck did I manage to forget that? That should be totally un-forgettable!!!"
Definition here:
Criterion A (one required): The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, in the following way(s):

• Direct exposure
• Witnessing the trauma
• Learning that a relative or close friend was exposed to a trauma
• Indirect exposure to aversive details of the trauma, usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, medics)

Also, yeah my depression is secondary, but it is it's own beast. I'd rather be anxious than depressed any day.

 

[PTSD4UandME]

Not at all :)

Basically it's a diagnostic term in the DSM, the sort of trauma that can cause PTSD....Crit-A is my byword for "really serious stuff"

Aha, gotcha.

I guess my point is that I forget stuff where I remember later and I'm like, "how the heck did I manage to forget that? That should be totally un-forgettable!!!"

It's bizarre, isn't it? Every time I start to think I've finally begun to get this thing pretty well figured, something new comes along and totally challenges my conception of the whole experience.

I'd rather be anxious than depressed any day.

Totally. That is one thing I've been pretty good about being able to at least notice -- when I start feeling less anxiety, it's usally a sign my depression is kicking into high gear, not that I'm actually less anxious.

 

[Powder]

Yes, I think I understand and relate. As I have researched this type of phenomenon within chronic PTSD, whereby chunks of life seem like they happened to someone else almost, good or bad, this is, last I checked about 2016, this was considered a form of dissociation. Depression, like dissociation, is not a simple/easy thing to gauge until it's symptoms become pronounced. They often go hand-in-hand, too. Depression may be a symptom of chronic dissociation, and it is. This is a major thing to get a handle on, how PTSD works (in general) and how it feels and works within me.

I'm not aware that I'm dissociating within Negative symptoms (blanking out, numbing out, living in my head, etc.) until it's been going on long enough to then bring out Positive symptoms (flashbacks, nightmares, anger outbursts, crying, emotional flooding, body memories, smells that are not there, etc.) And another symptom of Negative symptoms is feeling "half-alive" or "mostly dead" as well as depression, as avoidance and dissociation numb to more than just the negative emotions we are trying to stay away from (the Pit, as I call it) and I end up staying away from feeling anything or living, thus, depression sets in, along with intrusive memories and negative emotions/moods/core beliefs.

Find your patterns, where you are at in them, and what you do to get back out of them and you have tools to use to manage this stuff.

For me, life presents a specific challenge of anticipatory stress combined within my toxic shame/social anxiety elements that are hard to reach and process in The Pit. I grow increasingly depressed as I cannot find ways to cope with months of the stress as I wait for the event to come to pass. Within this stress load, I dissociate after my best attempts to cope give way to life stresses of daily life (my kids for instance). Then, I confront it in a crisis, and I overload my coping to Positive symptoms for like 48 hours (flashbacks, crying, inability to eat, dehydration, emotional flooding, body memories, isolation, memory disturbance, and not remembering how to do normal things). Then, I go into recuperation mode (rest/recovery/fun/food/snuggle and cuddle). I still have nightmares, and I find the mode I'm in today in recovery, brainiac mode. Over-analysis is in overdrive to pull out of the emotionality. Extreme to extreme.

I have to have a routine and module my head-heart balance along with self-others and work-life balance. Finding this balance and still practicing recovery steps is a challenge, to say the least. It is not always possible or life won't let it be easy.

 

[frogthroat]

I think the frightening thing about major depression is that I don't think it ever goes away. After so many years it just becomes tedious upkeep. I've rarely had periods of just calm or normal stasis feelings. I get frustrated when I read articles about people who've "cured" their depression. Maybe they really did but all I've ever been able to do is find some type of band-aid and then once the pain comes back I find a different one. After so long it just feels almost comical. My T says I'm this way because it's how I learned to feel. I learned to think negatively as a child but I wonder sometimes if you can really turn that around.
Depression is one of those things that's a rollercoaster. I was doing well and now I'm not eating, sleeping, and I've reverted back to SI which I haven't done in a long time. I can't even make myself care enough to do what my T told me to do this week. I think about death all the time and it starts as soon as I wake up.
It's so weird though. I bet in a week I'll be fine and by that I mean completely numb. That's what drives me crazy about it. I just never know when it's going to start really kicking my ass and It's embarrassing because I don't have greatest management skills. Sometimes you just have to keep plodding along until you find a better way.

 

[PTSD4UandME]

Yes, I think I understand and relate. As I have researched this type of phenomenon within chronic PTSD, whereby chunks of life seem like they happened to someone else almost, good or bad, this is, last I checked about 2016, this was considered a form of dissociation. Depression, like dissociation, is not a simple/easy thing to gauge until it's symptoms become pronounced. They often go hand-in-hand, too. Depression may be a symptom of chronic dissociation, and it is. This is a major thing to get a handle on, how PTSD works (in general) and how it feels and works within me.

I'm not aware that I'm dissociating within Negative symptoms (blanking out, numbing out, living in my head, etc.) until it's been going on long enough to then bring out Positive symptoms (flashbacks, nightmares, anger outbursts, crying, emotional flooding, body memories, smells that are not there, etc.) And another symptom of Negative symptoms is feeling "half-alive" or "mostly dead" as well as depression, as avoidance and dissociation numb to more than just the negative emotions we are trying to stay away from (the Pit, as I call it) and I end up staying away from feeling anything or living, thus, depression sets in, along with intrusive memories and negative emotions/moods/core beliefs.

Find your patterns, where you are at in them, and what you do to get back out of them and you have tools to use to manage this stuff.

For me, life presents a specific challenge of anticipatory stress combined within my toxic shame/social anxiety elements that are hard to reach and process in The Pit. I grow increasingly depressed as I cannot find ways to cope with months of the stress as I wait for the event to come to pass. Within this stress load, I dissociate after my best attempts to cope give way to life stresses of daily life (my kids for instance). Then, I confront it in a crisis, and I overload my coping to Positive symptoms for like 48 hours (flashbacks, crying, inability to eat, dehydration, emotional flooding, body memories, isolation, memory disturbance, and not remembering how to do normal things). Then, I go into recuperation mode (rest/recovery/fun/food/snuggle and cuddle). I still have nightmares, and I find the mode I'm in today in recovery, brainiac mode. Over-analysis is in overdrive to pull out of the emotionality. Extreme to extreme.

Man, I can identify with this, hard. My problem tends to become that I absolutely cannot maintain anything, not even a simple daily routine once I've been in a major episode for a year or so, it just beats me down to the point where I can't maintain anything and from then on it just becomes a war of attrition to see if I can weather it out until it finally breaks again. I've realized after my most recent cycle broke that building a stronger internal foundation for myself has got to be my number one priority now, I do not want to get caught unprepared when it comes on again; this time felt too close as it was.

I think the frightening thing about major depression is that I don't think it ever goes away. After so many years it just becomes tedious upkeep. I've rarely had periods of just calm or normal stasis feelings. I get frustrated when I read articles about people who've "cured" their depression. Maybe they really did but all I've ever been able to do is find some type of band-aid and then once the pain comes back I find a different one. After so long it just feels almost comical. My T says I'm this way because it's how I learned to feel. I learned to think negatively as a child but I wonder sometimes if you can really turn that around.
Depression is one of those things that's a rollercoaster. I was doing well and now I'm not eating, sleeping, and I've reverted back to SI which I haven't done in a long time. I can't even make myself care enough to do what my T told me to do this week. I think about death all the time and it starts as soon as I wake up.

Yeah, not to say it's not possible, but I think there's a lot of people in the recovery community as a whole that are very willing to try using positive thinking and affirmations that are aspirational, at best, to to try and trick their brain into believing they're better than they really are. Personally, I think some stuff gets burned into our wiring too early on to change, and I am highly skeptical of anyone that claimed they had 'cured' their major depression, CPTSD, etc.

It's so weird though. I bet in a week I'll be fine and by that I mean completely numb. That's what drives me crazy about it. I just never know when it's going to start really kicking my ass and It's embarrassing because I don't have greatest management skills. Sometimes you just have to keep plodding along until you find a better way.

Ha, stumbling sideways into new and unexpected coping mechanisms is how I've gotten through like 90% of all of this shit so far.