Childhood Questions From The Emotional Tornado

[GrokkingAmbivert]

I had my first flashback last weekend after hearing the news about the Adrian Peterson case.

My parents were physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. Also neglectful. They were big into humiliation. They carried punishment tools on key chains, pockets and purses so everyone knew I was "the bad kid who needed to be punished." But to everyone else's parents, I was shy, sweet and well behaved.

I am in my mid 20s and have two brothers who are over a decade younger then I. One of them has aspergers and so does my father. My brother who doesn't have aspergers is by far the "good one they are thankful for." My brother with aspergers is treated far better then I was, but I do believe that verbal and emotional abuse is used on him.

My father is a neurologist and my mother was a lawyer until she realized she could just be a stay at home mom. My mother has always had me in therapy, but I was never allowed to go by myself. She was always with me in the room. And she always told doctors that I was bipolar, schizophrenic, depressed or psychotic. Pills never worked... Now I know that it's because I never had anything wrong with me other then being abused.

I work for my father. He deals with PTSD patients all the time. I haven't worked this week because I have been scared to see my parents. I texted them and said my two doctors diagnosed me with PTSD this week. I didn't tell them what the PTSD is from. I truly believe that they don't know it was due to their abuse. But neither of them said anything. No response at all.

In my head I think I still believe there is hope of a relationship. I want an apology. I want to forgive them. I am angry but I do pity them as well. They were the cause of 26 years of pain, depression, anxiety, relationship issues, severely low self esteem and hopelessness.

The PTSD is so new to me. I am suppose to grieve my childhood. How do you grieve something you never had? I don't know what a normal childhood is suppose to be like. I want to get better and live my new life, but I'm overwhelmed with feelings and confusion. I feel like I'm on a new planet. I have relief and hope again, but I don't know how to stop thinking about everything & just live my life. I can't study, eat or sleep. How do I act or say when I see them? How long does it take to grieve? My therapist explained the stages of grief. How can I go through the "bargaining" stage when I know it happened? When do I get a mental break from memories? I know I should discuss it to accept it, but I don't trust people easily. I have very few friends. I don't think I remember everything. Will I ever? I just want this emotional tornado to stop.

Ps - I hope Adrian Peterson goes to jail. The media is trying to excuse his abuse, but there is no excuse.

 

[Melody coates]

im so sorry about what your parent put you through love! I too have a history of physical and emotional/verbal abuse from a parent. most of us here have been there and done that. you will find lots of support here

 

[GrokkingAmbivert]

Thank you so much! It's very sad to hear that others must go through similar situations as I have, but it's comforting to know that others can relate. It's just all very confusing. Hopefully the confusion does down with time.

 

[paula parcell]

Everyone on this site has been where you are it is scary there are meny meny grate people who can answer questions and just chat when you feel alone it helps

 

[Loveneverfails]

I can empathize with being 'diagnosed' by an abusive parent as I was told I was 'manic' from age three and put into counseling and never allowed to attend any of those meetings alone. I understand your need to forgive and to salvage the family you wish you had from the one you were unfortunately given. I've struggled with that demon a time or two as well. I hope you remember to trust your instincts and to be good to yourself no matter what your parents say or do. You are not your illness or your past or even their opinion of you. Only you get to decide who you are now and who you will become.

 

[Kefira]

I just had to be at home for a few weeks. I hadn't been back in 6 years, I've been diagnosed for 10. My family isn't the main source of my PTSD but it was definitely a contributing factor. While I was back home I was dealing with a lot of the same questions because in viewing my parents continued behavior toward each other and toward me I was reminded of how much I lost. I never had close friends growing up, no one ever came over to the house, from a very young age I had to cover for my parents in public.

Different circumstances but I can relate to the confusion over how to process and grieve that which you really can't understand. I still haven't figured it out or even sorted through all the feelings involved.

 

[Lucycat]

I am suppose to grieve my childhood. How do you grieve something you never had?

I think it is about the realisation of what your childhood should have been.

I want to get better and live my new life, but I'm overwhelmed with feelings and confusion.

I get that. It was incredibly hard when I was first diagnosed. The overwhelm will lessen, and the more you learn about PTSD the better you will cope with all the symptoms. Just remember to be kind to yourself and getting better is done in baby steps.

I feel like I'm on a new planet

Welcome to our planet!

I have relief and hope again, but I don't know how to stop thinking about everything & just live my life.

The thinking will slow down. For me, I had medication to help it. Others manage without. Just don't try and force yourself.

I just want this emotional tornado to stop.

I wish I could grant you this wish.