Questions From Trauma T Feel Manipulative

[DogwoodTree]

Doesn't that mean that he loves you a little? He's not hateful, he's not indifferent so... he just cares. He won't love you like a child or a spouse or even a friend but he does care. That should count a bit.

Hm, I've been thinking about this a lot.

I can understand this on an intellectual level. Cognitively, it makes sense this would be the case. I'm struggling to identify an emotional response to it. It seems more like an abstract concept, like trying to understand how balancing chemical equations relates to the chemical reactions taking place in a lab, or like trying to understand an algebraic formula or write a geometric proof. I can play with the ideas in my head, but it doesn't seem "real" in the sense that it doesn't directly affect my inner experience of the world.

I think, on one hand, I have the wrong idea of what love is. I've known this for quite a while, but haven't figured out what concept/experience to replace the old one with. I realize there are different kinds of love. From T to client, it seems that love consists of positive regard, acceptance, seeing the person as clearly as possible (without filters caused by the T's own needs), desiring their growth and improvement, holding healthy boundaries to maximize this possibility, applying expertise and holding space to encourage internal growth, those kinds of things.... It seems a T couldn't do those things for a client if there weren't some level of caring and wanting the best for the other person. I feel similarly towards my students (I'm an adjunct college instructor). And I know from my own experience that this can't be learned solely from training and getting a degree in whatever. It takes a person's own internal work and experience to make this kind of relationship with clients (or students) possible.

I think where I get hung up is thinking that a person who loves me in this way does it only because of who they are, and it really has nothing to do with anything about me that is inherently valuable. Of course each of my students is valuable and unique, and I try to meet each one where they are and with what they need from me. But it's still a professional relationship. If one of them drops out of a class, I'm sad for that person (if their motivation had to do with giving up), but I then turn my attention to the students who are still there and that's where my energy is focused. It doesn't affect me personally. Those boundaries are healthy, I get that. The T-client relationship, like a teacher-student relationship, is professional and boundaried and hopefully effective. But is that really love?

It gets more complex with other relationships of course. Then each side starts needing the other in different ways, in addition to wanting what's best for the other. Maybe it's my family background that pollutes this whole concept of love. There was always subtle manipulation going on, most things given with the need to be seen as a good person, to be loved for it, to be admired for it. It's certainly good to be grateful for gifts, but there was another layer where gifts were given as insulation against criticism or disagreement or individualism. That's not love.

I want my T to say something that will make me break down the walls and let her in and feel and not be alone. And she never does. Some sessions are better than others but this cathartic moment when things just feel right never comes. But lately, I've been lowering my expectations and accepting that I do the best I can and she does too and then talking feels a bit easier. When I don't expect much, I feel like I can talk better. I'm less afraid to disappoint myself, or her, and it's easier to just say what I need.

Is this what therapy is "supposed" to be about? ...wanting catharsis (even if it never comes)? ...lowering expectations? ...accepting brokenness? ...saying whatever needs to be said and settling for that? If so, that's fine. I'm trying to wrap my mind around what therapy is actually "supposed" to look like.

 

[James McGregor]

First, I know the right response is to talk it out with her. I've already written a long letter exp...

I wouldn't say manipulative, but I do know what you mean. I've had therapists and situations like this. It's like they are offering things which don't feel comfortable or useful, and you begin to feel as if your being negative about things they are offering. This right away puts me in the defense, even if it's not a conscious decision. From then on things just tend to not work, because that defensive feeling is no use at all in therapy, things close down from that point. I can't offer a suggestion however, because this is what I do and I have no idea either what to do about it. I have wondered if they do this on purpose to see our response, but if that is the case - I don't really see the point. Sometimes I do question what I should be achieving in therapy, things seem bad when you don't feel your therapist understands you, but when I shut down and don't agree with their suggestions, how can it be any other way? Now I try to be honest and say that I don't feel the suggestions are valid, and they aren't understanding me, it may not help but at least it's honest

 

[DogwoodTree]

Sometimes I do question what I should be achieving in therapy, things seem bad when you don't feel your therapist understands you

Yes-- All. The. Time. On both points.

I don't understand what my part of this is supposed to look like, or what I can reasonably expect from the T or how what they're doing is supposed to help. And I never really feel understood. Maybe they understand about a specific point, but they don't really seem to understand me. But then, maybe my expectations are wrong.

I feel lost. When it comes right down to it, it seems like none of this matters anyway. I've been at this for years. I've grown and changed during that time in many areas, but not in ways that help me cope with the PTSD issues any better. It seems I'm too broken to be repaired. I know I'm not supposed to say things like that, but that's how I feel.

 

[James McGregor]

Yes-- All. The. Time. On both points.

I don't understand what my part of this is supposed to look...

I'm much the same to be honest, I go into therapy with a lot of expectation, because it did seem to give me some relief. Now, it doesn't really, things have changed in the UK and therapists just seem so disinterested and disinclined to help. Maybe I'm projecting, but that's how it seems. I'm waiting at the moment to again go back into therapy, part of me wonders if I should just cancel, like you I feel maybe too damaged to help