Radio silence detrimental with ptsd break up

[wishball]

I was speaking to a co-worker who was telling me about on-line advice about going radio silent after a break up. There is x amount of time (30 days or longer) to not talk to a person. This is so counter productive with PTSD sufferers.

First sufferers are experts at isolating and disassociating. With me my mind has a switch on or off. No grey area. So if a person is trying to shut me out, I just accept it as over and I have no problem going on dates. So what counters this? Compassion!

First, before it gets to a break up or time out, give the person some space. If we don't want to talk or need time to process please back off - it is like information or sensory over load.

Second if we do walk out, the best thing you can do is what I call give us little nuggets, these are encouraging words and let us know you are waiting for them to come home and believe in then. This establishes trust, and puts the onus on the person with PTSD. Lashing out, reacting, going radio silent just makes us feel validated in leaving.

Now just saying the door is open when you are ready to me isn't very effective. Why? For a person who isolates and disassociates, out of sight is out of mind. Usually a little text saying something like "the pot of coffee is on when you are ready - once a day" keeps me grounded. Or any reaffirming statement. Remember the person with PTSD isn't doing this to hurt you.

Radio silence...you may get the person physically back for a little time but why would they stay if they can't trust you. Remember trust and stability is everything.

When sufferers run, and their partners are firmly planted and don't waiver we learn from them what a normal relationship is like, we learn trust.

With radio silence you are trying to teach someone who runs, to stay, by you running or participating in not communicating. See why it is destructive?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

@wishball, I understand what you’re saying here ^^^, but my question is, if they’re not responding to you, how should I take that as a supporter or ex supporter? He basically said good bye in November and I haven’t had any luck with reaching out to him with positive texts and emails; I’ve even attempted to call a few times to let him hear my voice in a positive way.

 

[Justmehere]

@wishball - It’s really great that you have worked out what is helpful for you when you need space. Communication of what is helpful for each sufferer to a partner is crucial.

For me, it’s not “out of sight, out of mind” if I isolate from someone. For me, if I ask for space and someone keeps contacting me, it is not grounding but triggering. Like many suffers, I need my boundaries and limits respected. Period. For me, saying the door is open is enough. Continuing to text and call would freak me out... and lead me to stay away even more.

But what works for me isn’t what works for others. I’m glad encouraging texts help you ground while isolating.

ETA: @B.J. - I’d take him at his word that goodbye is goodbye. His actions for many months have sent the consistent message the relationship is over. He has moved on to be with someone else. He may have your number and email blocked and isn’t even getting your messages. Sometimes goodbye is actually goodbye.

 

[Friday]

It is really, really awesome that you know what you need & want :tup:

They are wildly different things than what I need & want, & how I operate.

It doesn’t have to be valid for everyone with PTSD to be valid for you.

 

[Gs172003]

Texting and texting and texting when I say leave me be drives me crazy. Just leave me alone when I say leave me alone.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

@wishball - It’s really great that you have worked out what is helpful for you...

@Justmehere, the only reason I’m hanging on is because he said that he needed time to get through what he was dealing with, but all was forgiven of which I didn’t understand what was being forgiven.
As more time went by, I noticed that he was just giving me lip service, so I now will assume that it’s over. Especially after you stated it so eloquently of how he may have me blocked and good bye is good bye. My back story is full of support, love and care, so for me now to be at this place with my ex, is excruciating.

 

[wishball]

@wishball, I understand what you’re saying here ^^^, but my question is, if they’re...

Hi there I'm glad you asked that. I suppose I should have been clearer that I meant right after a break up. I may be upset and not speak initially (few days) but I do soften up pretty quick. I will reciprocate. I think there should be some caution in that you don't want to get caught up in a life of being neglected, and abandoned, in order to support a sufferer. You need to take care of yourself as well.

There is a big difference between a sufferer needing space and abandoning the relationship. Not speaking or reciprocating for that long in my opinion is abandonment. For many with CPTSD abandonment is an issue, so we as sufferers so be more concerning about how others feel like when we up and leave.

@wishball - It’s really great that you have worked out what is helpful for you...

Every one is different and it so important that we let our supporters know are triggers or what works/doesn't work with us. We are all unique, what one might need may be different to another.

 

[Justmehere]

but all was forgiven

Forgiving someone doesn’t always mean reconciliation or that things go back to the way they were.

 

[EveHarrington]

This is a post about yo-yo push pull.

This is NOT a post about an actual “ITS DEFINITELY OVER!” breakup.

They are vastly different things.

If I dump a guys ass and he won’t leave me alone? You better believe I’m threatening restraining orders. (I’ve had to do it before.)

Not to be rude, OP, but your post most definitely reinforces the “it’s not them, it’s PTSD” idea when we call an end to a relationship. Maybe stroll on over to the supporters section to see the many posts by supporters who falsely believe this notion when a sufferer breaks up with them. This post just gives supporters false hope and feeds the notion that we aren’t individuals who can call and end to things other than for ptsd reasons.

 

[Deleted member 541]

With any relationship for me I can take a lot of shit, but when I finally say, “I’m Done”, I’m pretty much done and I don’t look back. I’m also pretty clear with verbalizing my stance on things.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think there are too many nuances to generalize, I would think it would be person, history- one's own and together, individual personality, relationship, trust, and context related or specific. (JMHO).

 

[Freida]

I like the idea that just checking in once in a while lets me know that I haven't done so much damage that the relationship can't be salvaged when I'm out of isolation. But for me it has to be very brief -- and not require a response because that will trigger me.

It's that horrible delicate dance between letting me know you care and being so clingy you scare me away. I think it gets easier as time goes on and we both learn what works and what doesn't. But I also get that radio silence is not a good tactic for me --- because it just reaffirms why I bailed in the first place and makes me think I'm free to move on. When I look at my relationships that have failed it is almost always because I had the last word --- and if I never hear from them again -- oh well - on with my life...