@jaccat my mom was consistently cold and distant, which was the predictable part. But she also switched (from quiet and aloof to raging). The unpredictability is certainly hard. I feel like my body is always on edge around people, even those I think I trust...I'd rather just be alone than do the whole unconscious scanning of their every movement.
@shimmerz ...slice myself up is really how it felt at the time (and when I have urges that I've been able to get beyond in recent years...burning isn't the same...I don't do the same damage and it's less intense for me).
I have looked up conversion disorder. I don't think I have a diagnosable or clear-cut case. I do have some structural issues the docs I have seen note that they don't probably account for my chronic pain. I relate a lot to early trauma concepts of bracing...but also general chronic pain issues of pain signals being screwed up (which often relates to trauma dysregulation, too)....my body senses a small danger or bit of pain and way f*cking over-reacts. Like it thinks I've been smacked in the spine with a bat. No, I was just sweeping the floor. :( I don't have the normal person "sore" muscles. It's all or nothing.
p.s. (ETA) For a while I wondered about going back for testing for somatization disorder (or whatever they call it now), which would really be just ruling everything else out. But the little bits of structural stuff. Also, I think it's a bit creepy to go that route. I over-react to pain and feel like I'm dying. But it's not hypochondria at all and I don't trust most doctors to understand all the differences. I nagged my doctor about cramps and got a better exam...and the situation in there was seen instantly as abnormal with the right imagery equipment.
So for now I'm good with my primary doctor knowing I am over-sensitive and freaked out by body sensations, that I am seeing a therapist for trauma, and that I have legitimate pain but also pain dysregulation. She's been very good at making referrals to check things out. She does a decent job of trying to put me at ease and seems to know I need that or I'll just be bringing myself to ER all the time, worried I'll bleed to death or suffocate because the pain is sending me into major meltdown. My therapist has been helpful in my working through these patterns too.
