Sexual Assault Rape role plays and fantasies

[highwaybeauty]

I was sexually assisted by 3 males at the age of 19, one was consensual before I blacked out, the other two were not. Since then, I have been extremely aroused by BDSM, enjoy role playing situations where I am dominated and can only ever reach orgasm if during sex I am fantasizing about rape. I am worried that the only reason I like this type of sex is because what happened to me, and that makes me feel disgusted as though a part of me "liked it". Have others had this experience too?

 

[babybear]

Hello! I can relate with you. When I was little I saw a really graphic rape scene on TV and had rape fantasies when I was a teenager because of it. I too felt disgusted with myself but didn't know why. Then about three years ago I was raped by my older brother's friend followed by a bit of stalking. The rape fantasies morphed into what I had experienced and I felt even worse. My T told me that I could have had those fantasies as a way of my mind coping. It was a way of my brain trying to process what I had seen and experienced. This helped alleviate some of the guilt I was feeling, as we cannot control how our bodies physically react to things. I had to learn to separate myself from the experience of the trauma through CBT, it was extremely helpful ☺

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I can definitely relate...I was actually journaling about this yesterday :/ I am not sure when/why I want to feel like I am being "raped" maybe because, sex has become this non consensual thing in a lot of ways... I have also asked a guy to choke me once during sex but, it wasn't because I actually wanted him to but, rather to see if he would say no. Although I do like being dominated/the feeling of being raped I also am searching for a guy who on his own not with me insisting not to want to cause me pain during sex... I was sexually abused in my past marriage which caused me physical pain...anyways idk this is a good thing to ponder. I am not sure why I seek this kind of stuff out anyways...Idk will I always seek this out? Will I always use sex as a way to escape and self harm? I have no clue... Since I lost my virginity I have been disassociating during sex so... I am so far removed from the act anyways...I can really relate with your post and when you find answers let me know thanks! :)

 

[Ivi]

The first thing you need to understand is that this is something that does happen. It is not something to be disgusted by, this is not your body betraying you. Often, people who are victims of sexual assault and even people who aren't have these fantasies. It's not to do with 'rape' itself but more a way of having control over a situation that you don't. If that makes sense. People who are victims of sexual assault can have these fantasies as it's a way of seizing some form of control over that situation. It is also because some people do like submitting control, allowing others to handle actions and worries.
There are journals and articles about this if you want more information.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Yes... in a weird way wanting this is a way for me to gain control. I always think guys are going to sexually assault me anyways to a degree so, if I act like I want this then "selling" myself is better than being taken does that make sense?

 

[Ivi]

Link Removed

This is an article about I was mainly thinking about. I'd give it a read, it's interesting reading.

 

[Kintsugi]

This is pretty common and also something I experience. You can use the search function here on the forum to find other threads about this topic and BDSM in general. There have been many. You may feel less alone.

 

[highwaybeauty]

Thanks everyone for your responses. It is good to know that it is somewhat a common experience.