God's Child
New Here
Hi everyone...I am new to this forum. I was skeptical at first about joining because I always felt all alone when it comes to not knowing anyone who suffers from Pro-longed PTSD from being sexual abused and raped.
I was abused, manipulated, controlled and threatened by the person that was over me and I worked in a controlled environment to where it was a norm for things to happen in our agency that was kept secretive and didn't reach the outside world. It was difficult for me to be assualt and raped by someone I knew and thought that for one moment this person had my best interest at heart. I later realized that he was doing the right things in the beginning by pretending to be there for my needs as my supervisor but was doing them for the wrong reasons or shall I say motives.
This person wreak havoc on my life for a number of years causing me to be afraid to go to anyone to report him of his wrong doings because he ws my superior and what he could do to my career. I was too ashamed to tell anyone that I been raped by this person but would reach out to my closest friends to tell them about his sexual harassment and assualts. I began to experience a feeling of helplessness, and trapped because I had no where to turn to and was scared of being a whistlblower and embarrassed and ashamed of what all was happening to me so I blocked these events out of my head and buried my self in my work thinking that I could go on and function in life by pretending these thngs never happened to me.
However, I was wrong, I began to have nervous problems, trembling and twitching, and wasn't eating or sleeping at night, and was fearul of being alone or with this person and coming to work the next day. I knew if I exposed what he was doing that I would blackballed and he would get a slap on the wrist and would be protected by the agency and the other managers and felt that I would be degraded, and humiliated.
Soon, I began to have panic attacks and nightmares and withdrew from those that truly cared for me. I lost interest in doing the things that I loved most and my spouse was trying everything to help me get out of this depression I was in. I never thought I would be a statistic and thought I could pray and handle the situation on my own and that God will make things better for me.
In the end God delivered me from this work atmosphere after turning this person in after a some years of his abusive authrority over me. After turning him in, I was blackballed by my agency and was forced out of my position to work in another position in the buiding I was raped in. I had been having attacks constantly for 3 years and at first didn't understand what was happening to me until I start seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist after turning this person in. This person was not charged with sexual harrassment even though I had witnesses proving that he was harrassing me so he was protected by the agency and was dismissed for other reasons.
During my couseling sessions, I didn't know how bad off I really was until I had to talk about what happened to me over the past few years. I relived each moment as though it was happening to me now. I had severe nightmares, flashbacks, dissociation, and blackouts or passing out during my attacks. I was diagnosed with PTSD amongnst other things and joined a victims advocate group to help me talk and cope with my problems.
Although I still felt alone and isolated from my peers and friends that I once had in the agency in which I worked in because they were afraid of losing there jobs and I didn't want them losing their jobs over me.
So I continued to pray and ask God for strength everyday to get me through another day. I realized the mistakes now as I look back in heinzsight that I let my fear overule my faith in God and became lost, confused and somebody else.. I felt alone with no help and was taught to keep these that were going on inside the organization.
I've learned from this experience that your rapist, abusers, sexual harassers, are not the people you think they are. They are your Directors, CEO's, managers, who dressed the part, speak articulate, clever, manipulative, arrogrant, controlling, and believe they have the power to do any and all things at work while leading a separate life at home.
I still deal with the scars from what I endured for some years from my rapist. I was fearful of my life throughout the years I worked underneath this person even up to the day I turned in. I just started taking baby steps to regain my life back and trying to engage in activites that I once enjoyed doing.
I know had it not been for the Lord on my side I wouldnt't have made it thus far. There were many days I prayed that my rapist heart would change or that the Lord would give me the strength to deliver me from this evil. My prayers were answered last year and I was delivered from him ever hurting me again but he kept stalking me and my husband 4 months after turning him in. Now that he no longer works at this agency and has moved but was never convicted of rape or assualt saying it was his word against mine since it was never reported to the police only because I was in fear of what he might do to me if I reported it.
Through my spouse, church family, family, friends, and the victims advocate group and the love of the Lord which has never left me I am still standing not as a victim but as a survivor. I still struggle with panic attacks and migraines, loss of appetite and sleep but I wake up each morning praying and meditating for the Lord to renew my heart and mind each day for that particular day...taking it one day at a time.
It's been a struggle and the aftermath after turning him in was horrible because I felt as though I was raped all over again by the injustice in the sytems that I went through after reporting him to the proper authorities. Now, I thank God for allowing me to see things through his eyes and not my own physical eyes which were distorted by fear, confusion, and shame. I can now walk with my head up knowing that I did nothing wrong and that I didn't deserve what happen to me being forced or coerced to do thing you don't want to do his assualt and rape...there is no sugar coating it and it is NOT consensual. Even if it's behind closed doors the way my superior panned it to be so it would be only the two of us and no witnesses.
Thus for future reference and advice to anyone who is in my shoes don't wait...If you are raped go immediately to the police afterwards with the evidence on you and get a full body check out ) rape kit.. If you don't then it will be hard to prosecute your rapist if there is no physical evidence other than your medical records and doctors statements which proves that you have suffered a traumatic experience. So don't hesitate or be afaid like I was and don't let fear overule your faith and trust that the Lord will make a way for you and will take care of you because God doesn't close one door without opening another one. God will give you strength like never before and you can turn what was meant for evil into something positive by helping someone else who is the same boat you were once in and need your help. Stay prayed up and know that God loves you no matter what you feel like on the inside...you will always have a friend in Jesus and you are never alone in his presence.
I had to ask God to give me a spirit of forgiveness for the man that did these horrible things to me as a Christian and a child of God. I also prayed for my adversaries that were against me for turning this man in. I let go and let God and left everything at the feet of Jesus to start regaining my power back.
Forgiveness helps you move on from being a victim to being a survivor so you can help others and talk about it freely. I still battle PTSD everyday but at least I am facing it head on with a positive attitude and I am fighting for my life back as I was knew it to be. I am grateful for each day the Lord gives me so I can praise and worship him for what I do have instead of what I don't have. I still have my right mind to pray for others and myself and go out and help others that are in need and are way worst off that I am. So God can use what was meant for evil and turn your life around and use you as a vessel for him to spread his word and help others while doing so. I love the Lord and Jesus is my Lord and Savior who has carried me and brought me thus far. I will continue to seek his desires and will for my life to use it to glorify God in the name of his son Jesus. No matter througt the good and bad days I will praise him because I still stand and have a voice to help others. I am grateful to be alive and to be used for God's glory. Our testimonies can help others who are in crisis and don't know what to do...like I was was.
Now that we are out of the storm of abuse, we see more clearly and see things that we missed before they may help someone else.
May God bless the readers of my experience and hopefully give you peace and comfort knowing there is always tomorrow in which we can do something positive to help those that are in need (crisis centers, nursing homes, shelters, homeless, cancer centers, juvenile detention, VA hospitals...etc) The harvest is great but the laborers are few. God will bless those that bless others. We must forgive, remain humble, and trust God who will provide, protect and deliver you and strengthen you to over come scars that are left over from your crisis. You are not a lone and have a friend in Jesus who loves you and cares for you. Reach out to him as He waits with open arms to hear your cries and prayers. I promise you God is listening and will guide you if you let him with an open heart by accepting his son Jesus as your Lord and Savior. Those that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. Stay prayed up and sober...you are survivors not victims anymore.
May God bless you all and keep you safe and give you peace.
God's child.
< edited by Brucielucy - added paragraphs>
I was abused, manipulated, controlled and threatened by the person that was over me and I worked in a controlled environment to where it was a norm for things to happen in our agency that was kept secretive and didn't reach the outside world. It was difficult for me to be assualt and raped by someone I knew and thought that for one moment this person had my best interest at heart. I later realized that he was doing the right things in the beginning by pretending to be there for my needs as my supervisor but was doing them for the wrong reasons or shall I say motives.
This person wreak havoc on my life for a number of years causing me to be afraid to go to anyone to report him of his wrong doings because he ws my superior and what he could do to my career. I was too ashamed to tell anyone that I been raped by this person but would reach out to my closest friends to tell them about his sexual harassment and assualts. I began to experience a feeling of helplessness, and trapped because I had no where to turn to and was scared of being a whistlblower and embarrassed and ashamed of what all was happening to me so I blocked these events out of my head and buried my self in my work thinking that I could go on and function in life by pretending these thngs never happened to me.
However, I was wrong, I began to have nervous problems, trembling and twitching, and wasn't eating or sleeping at night, and was fearul of being alone or with this person and coming to work the next day. I knew if I exposed what he was doing that I would blackballed and he would get a slap on the wrist and would be protected by the agency and the other managers and felt that I would be degraded, and humiliated.
Soon, I began to have panic attacks and nightmares and withdrew from those that truly cared for me. I lost interest in doing the things that I loved most and my spouse was trying everything to help me get out of this depression I was in. I never thought I would be a statistic and thought I could pray and handle the situation on my own and that God will make things better for me.
In the end God delivered me from this work atmosphere after turning this person in after a some years of his abusive authrority over me. After turning him in, I was blackballed by my agency and was forced out of my position to work in another position in the buiding I was raped in. I had been having attacks constantly for 3 years and at first didn't understand what was happening to me until I start seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist after turning this person in. This person was not charged with sexual harrassment even though I had witnesses proving that he was harrassing me so he was protected by the agency and was dismissed for other reasons.
During my couseling sessions, I didn't know how bad off I really was until I had to talk about what happened to me over the past few years. I relived each moment as though it was happening to me now. I had severe nightmares, flashbacks, dissociation, and blackouts or passing out during my attacks. I was diagnosed with PTSD amongnst other things and joined a victims advocate group to help me talk and cope with my problems.
Although I still felt alone and isolated from my peers and friends that I once had in the agency in which I worked in because they were afraid of losing there jobs and I didn't want them losing their jobs over me.
So I continued to pray and ask God for strength everyday to get me through another day. I realized the mistakes now as I look back in heinzsight that I let my fear overule my faith in God and became lost, confused and somebody else.. I felt alone with no help and was taught to keep these that were going on inside the organization.
I've learned from this experience that your rapist, abusers, sexual harassers, are not the people you think they are. They are your Directors, CEO's, managers, who dressed the part, speak articulate, clever, manipulative, arrogrant, controlling, and believe they have the power to do any and all things at work while leading a separate life at home.
I still deal with the scars from what I endured for some years from my rapist. I was fearful of my life throughout the years I worked underneath this person even up to the day I turned in. I just started taking baby steps to regain my life back and trying to engage in activites that I once enjoyed doing.
I know had it not been for the Lord on my side I wouldnt't have made it thus far. There were many days I prayed that my rapist heart would change or that the Lord would give me the strength to deliver me from this evil. My prayers were answered last year and I was delivered from him ever hurting me again but he kept stalking me and my husband 4 months after turning him in. Now that he no longer works at this agency and has moved but was never convicted of rape or assualt saying it was his word against mine since it was never reported to the police only because I was in fear of what he might do to me if I reported it.
Through my spouse, church family, family, friends, and the victims advocate group and the love of the Lord which has never left me I am still standing not as a victim but as a survivor. I still struggle with panic attacks and migraines, loss of appetite and sleep but I wake up each morning praying and meditating for the Lord to renew my heart and mind each day for that particular day...taking it one day at a time.
It's been a struggle and the aftermath after turning him in was horrible because I felt as though I was raped all over again by the injustice in the sytems that I went through after reporting him to the proper authorities. Now, I thank God for allowing me to see things through his eyes and not my own physical eyes which were distorted by fear, confusion, and shame. I can now walk with my head up knowing that I did nothing wrong and that I didn't deserve what happen to me being forced or coerced to do thing you don't want to do his assualt and rape...there is no sugar coating it and it is NOT consensual. Even if it's behind closed doors the way my superior panned it to be so it would be only the two of us and no witnesses.
Thus for future reference and advice to anyone who is in my shoes don't wait...If you are raped go immediately to the police afterwards with the evidence on you and get a full body check out ) rape kit.. If you don't then it will be hard to prosecute your rapist if there is no physical evidence other than your medical records and doctors statements which proves that you have suffered a traumatic experience. So don't hesitate or be afaid like I was and don't let fear overule your faith and trust that the Lord will make a way for you and will take care of you because God doesn't close one door without opening another one. God will give you strength like never before and you can turn what was meant for evil into something positive by helping someone else who is the same boat you were once in and need your help. Stay prayed up and know that God loves you no matter what you feel like on the inside...you will always have a friend in Jesus and you are never alone in his presence.
I had to ask God to give me a spirit of forgiveness for the man that did these horrible things to me as a Christian and a child of God. I also prayed for my adversaries that were against me for turning this man in. I let go and let God and left everything at the feet of Jesus to start regaining my power back.
Forgiveness helps you move on from being a victim to being a survivor so you can help others and talk about it freely. I still battle PTSD everyday but at least I am facing it head on with a positive attitude and I am fighting for my life back as I was knew it to be. I am grateful for each day the Lord gives me so I can praise and worship him for what I do have instead of what I don't have. I still have my right mind to pray for others and myself and go out and help others that are in need and are way worst off that I am. So God can use what was meant for evil and turn your life around and use you as a vessel for him to spread his word and help others while doing so. I love the Lord and Jesus is my Lord and Savior who has carried me and brought me thus far. I will continue to seek his desires and will for my life to use it to glorify God in the name of his son Jesus. No matter througt the good and bad days I will praise him because I still stand and have a voice to help others. I am grateful to be alive and to be used for God's glory. Our testimonies can help others who are in crisis and don't know what to do...like I was was.
Now that we are out of the storm of abuse, we see more clearly and see things that we missed before they may help someone else.
May God bless the readers of my experience and hopefully give you peace and comfort knowing there is always tomorrow in which we can do something positive to help those that are in need (crisis centers, nursing homes, shelters, homeless, cancer centers, juvenile detention, VA hospitals...etc) The harvest is great but the laborers are few. God will bless those that bless others. We must forgive, remain humble, and trust God who will provide, protect and deliver you and strengthen you to over come scars that are left over from your crisis. You are not a lone and have a friend in Jesus who loves you and cares for you. Reach out to him as He waits with open arms to hear your cries and prayers. I promise you God is listening and will guide you if you let him with an open heart by accepting his son Jesus as your Lord and Savior. Those that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. Stay prayed up and sober...you are survivors not victims anymore.
May God bless you all and keep you safe and give you peace.
God's child.
< edited by Brucielucy - added paragraphs>
