Re-starting Therapy Or Continue?

[HappyJock]

Not that it really matters, guys, but I think I'm leaning more towards just seeking a new therapist altogether. After as much kindness as she has shown, I truly don't ever envision myself being honest with her about the specific important parts I want to work on. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know. But what I do know, however, is to seek this new therapist in the hopes that I see her for a few months and see if I even need medication.

Why? My current T and this clinic is very, very different than most. The T isn't specialized in anything specific. Not for PTSD, Trauma. Generally people go there for said psychiatrist. She just has them see her whether the T specializes in the said task/illness at hand or not. That's not the case, I have nothing against my T, I think she's one of the best out there truthfully. But I simply don't see myself being honest and I think I'm thinking of staying for the wrong reasons (more because she's awesome and she makes me happier and I don't want to lose touch) rather than thinking about my mental health and being able to focus on the topic at hand. Does that make sense? It's kind of like sticking with a teacher for 4 years because they've done so much for you, but at the same time you have grown at some point and just don't seem to be able to be completely honest and you feel like sticking around more because you like them as a person rather than them being actually good at treating the illness at hand.

I want to stay, I really do, I just don't know if they are for the right reasons and if I go and don't open up, is there a point?

Also, an issue came up once where I felt suicidal and I only trusted her and called her. No one answered and our safety plan included calling her. No one has their own phone... Only the front desk does and they barely answer. It also concerns me a lot. What if I become worse? It makes no sense to me. Unethical. Not of my T, because it's not like she runs the practice, but still, I feel lots of drawbacks deep down if I was ever in crisis. No voicemail or email either..

 

[Sideways]

Sounds like you've given it some quality thought. It's a hard process to go through, but finding the right team can be life-changing. Definitely use this as an opportunity to find a specialist that deals with trauma:)

 

[GardenGirl0214]

I agree with the others who say that a good therapist with whomg you've built a good rapport is invaluable! I also agree with what was said about the professionals you currently have seem to be right for you. A diagnosis is nothing more than a label. It's more important that your symptoms be treated, regardless of WHAT your diagnosis ends up being! I'm a big believer in the saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it. "

I'm so glad you have a good therapist that you like. Keep working hard with her.

 

[scout86]

Does that make me a bad person?

No, it doesn't. But it does sound a little like you're trying to talk yourself into this, for some reason.

The first year I was working with my T, I said something related to my childhood that brought tears to his eyes. Kind of freaked me out! First, because what I was talking about seemed like "nothing but a thing" to me. Like, it was no big deal at ALL, really, it just was something that was the way it was. I was thinking maybe I needed to find someone else to work with, that if I had to worry about upsetting him all the time, it was going to be pretty difficult to get anywhere. So, I asked him about that. He said that he's quite capable of taking care of himself ("thank you very much!"), that if something makes him cry, it's NOT a big deal and it's NOT the end of the world and it also NOT "my fault". Turns out he's really pretty tough, he just cries easy. I'm getting used to it. The thing is, one of the things I learned was "my job" early on, was to be responsible for everyone else's feelings. It's actually a problem. Turns out he's a pretty good and pretty safe person to work on that with. I wouldn't have guessed that. But it would be harder to work on it with a person where it never came up.

My T doesn't specialize in trauma either. He works with all kinds of people. It probably keeps him from getting bored, He's worked with a lot of people with PTSD though, and seems to know what he's doing. For me, because it's always been hard to trust people and I've learned so well to guard my real thoughts and feelings, "trust" and the nature of the relationship are more important than him having the title of "trauma therapist".

No one answered and our safety plan included calling her.

THAT would be a problem! Not a good way to run an office. Have you discussed it with her? Because if you're going to have that kind of plan, it should certainly WORK.

What you decide to do is your choice (obviously). Just make sure you aren't running away from it BECAUSE she's nice. Could be some kind of self sabotage, you know?

 

[HappyJock]

No, it doesn't. But it does sound a little like you're trying to talk yourself into this, for some reaso...

Very insightful, thanks a lot. You're right, though, subconsciously today I realized I was making up any excuse to run from her care because I've never been cared for like she's cared for me before, so I'm staying and pushing through.

 

[scout86]

I made a similar choice in a similar situation and I haven't regretted it yet. Well, maybe I've regretted it a few times because things got complicated and running seemed like the thing to do, but that's always turned out to be an over reaction, so far. Much luck on your journey!

 

[expectingbetter]

I am honestly really glad to see that you gave a decent thought to this dilemma and to see that you came to the opinion that you are actually only making excuses and as well as @scout86 mentioned, only trying to sabotage yourself.

You are lucky enough already that you have found such person to be your therapist, so you have an adequate person to work with. All you have to do is to discuss any problem you have with HER. Stop losing YOUR time any more and this is the only thing you are doing by trying to find the reasons she is the wrong one for you.

Address all the problems and work on them one by one with her.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you concerned that you have DID? If so, a firm yes or no diagnosis is indeed warranted.

DID is a serious disorder and can only be treated by those trained in DID (not just trauma).

You wouldn't forego a firm diagnosis for a serious physical malady that requires specialized treatment, so I don't think you should do so for a serious mental problem either.

It's not like we're talking about run of the mill anxiety or depression.

 

[HappyJock]

Are you concerned that you have DID? If so, a firm yes or no diagnosis is indeed warranted.

DID...

I'm quite concerned I have DID, yes. I know you're not a professional (or maybe I'm wrong, as I don't know you) but this is what I told my T.

"I feel like different people with different abilities, memories and core beliefs. Each of these "parts" have different interests, hobbies, etc. No, they don't have names and no, none of these parts seem to be different genders. These parts don't remember who my family members are -- they can make the connection using common sense (like, I'm in the house with them, so I'm not stupid, I know that means they are related to me). Also, at times, I can lose memory of how I got to said location. Not that I wake up in different locations, no -- it's just that I don't remember. I quit my job five times (without knowing it). My boss legitimately got mad at me and proved to me by showing me a rude e-mail I sent him and when I showed up to work excited, he got confused, chuckled and pissed off. I don't think it's healthy to self-diagnose.

These different parts of me also have different skills. I got a programming job and then one day, from some pressure related to PTSD, I 'snapped' into these different parts and I could barely use a fax machine. Let alone code, I forgot how to! So I asked the social worker in the IT office I worked with. She worked in the same office. At first she thought I was making fun of her because she's tech-illiterate but when she saw my confusion, shocked, she showed me how to use it.

My psychiatrist said Borderline and D.I.D does not exist and it's very common what I'm going through and it's all part of PTSD. Is it, really? I don't think so, but what do I know?

What does this sound like to you? I'm not asking for you to diagnose me, but as amazing, amazing as my T is, I don't want to stay if I'm not being treated appropriately (for the right diagnosis).

So she said all of this was common nature of PTSD and my T doesn't diagnose, but to her, it didn't seem like D.I.D but she didn't want to give me any wrong information so she suggested she or I talk to a psychiatrist and she works for mine (it's common here for the T only to say you have symptoms of so and so, but they aren't allowed to suggest a diagnosis, a psychiatrist does that -- unless the therapist happened to choose to get trained in diagnosing as well).

Not only that, but I have severe, severe mood swings. Literally I can go from LOATHING to ADORING and would die for in less than ten minutes and it's so inconsistent, it drives me crazy and confuses me because I can't live normally and they brush it off like it's not that serious and it's only PTSD.

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like your level of dissociation could very well be in the realm of DDNOS. The important question to ask is whether or not your therapist is trained in dissociation and how to treat it. If so? The situation could be workable. If not? Best to move on no matter how much you like her. Even if a therapist cannot diagnose, they must be able to identify which symptoms/disorders they can help treat.

In your case, not getting treatment for symptoms which could cost you your job (drain finances, lose your savings, house, car, the whole shebang), no longer are we talking about the theoretical argument of diagnosis' being needed/not needed. In your case I honestly believe you need to nail down what you're dealing with in order to get the right treatment so that you don't go down the path of joblessness and potential financial ruin. It's nice to believe that a diagnosis isn't needed and that we can all get by just fine without one, but that's not really the case when dealing with more severe disorders that have major impacts on our lives.

I'm not trying to scare you, but when you say that you quit your job 5 times and don't remember it----that's a major problem that needs a correct diagnosis and specialized treatment.

Borderline is very real. DID is very real. I'd be very wary of dealing with a doctor who denies the existence of such disorders.

 

[HappyJock]

It sounds like your level of dissociation could very well be in the realm of DDNOS. The important...

You're completely right (and no, you're not scaring me, but you're actually helping me realize the seriousness of a potential situation) and again, you're right. I was (kind of) surprised my therapist took it lightly. Like sure, I know lots of people with PTSD may have issues with jobs, but having these different parts and not remembering those really important parts or even skills go just beyond PTSD (at lest, some of it, maybe not all). There is definitely something more there and it has been there ever since I was young, actually. Maybe a few years after my trauma even though I wasn't aware of my trauma until last year. No, she's not trained in anything specific. She's a therapist that sees anyone who chooses to come to her -- and talks with them, etc. Which is why she works under a psychiatrist, but the psychiatrist is, well... not the best unless she's just treating Depression and the most common types of illnesses, even including PTSD. That's my only observation.

At this point, I don't even know what to do -- do I call the clinic and say I won't be returning and continue therapy elsewhere? Or do I continue? Again, I'm not asking for you to make the choice, but given that as I said, she is not specifically trained in any particular thing. She's definitely helpful, but not trained in dealing with any specific thing, I don't think. She says she's 'worked with someone with DID' once but that's it, she said the psychiatrist and the other ones in the clinic believe it's made up so those patients with DID came from an outside psychiatrist not within the clinic. I believe she's not even 30 - my T. So for me, it's really upsetting because I built a bond, but in terms of figuring out what this is, should I, as you said, 'best move on altogether no matter how much I like her'?

 

[joeylittle]

My psychiatrist said Borderline and D.I.D does not exist

If that's what they actually said, then they are an idiot and you should move on, full stop. Borderline personality disorder is a very specific diagnosis, but it definitely exists. DID is controversial, but it's still in the DSM and the ICD, so yes - in clinical terms, it exists. I wonder why your psychiatrist is so invested in telling you what you don't have. Your therapist sounds well-meaning but possibly lacking sufficient training.

Have you ever looked into inpatient programs specifically in trauma, just to get a solid start on the stuff you're working on? Hard to be totally avoidant when one is inpatient.

Or, have you considered getting a full diagnosis somewhere that specializes in psychiatric diagnoses? I'm not always sure it's the smartest thing to do, because they get them done in 2 weeks or less (if I recall correctly), and that feels fast to me. But - I'd be more inclined to follow the advice of a highly skilled diagnostician, than someone who says parts of the clinical standard in psychiatry don't exist.

Much of this will probably depend on your financial resources, unfortunately. But I'd switch psychiatrists. Can you find one that is in private practice, that won't interfere with your current therapist, at least?