Re-starting Therapy Or Continue?

[HappyJock]

If that's what they actually said, then they are an idiot and you should move on, full stop. Borderl...

Hmmm, see. Yeah, it is kind of stupid that she said that. I just didn't say anything. I'm fully covered by insurance, so here psychiatrists that have their own practice do not accept insurance -- cash or credit only. I have found a therapist that specializes, however, in all personality disorders as well as lots and lots of other things that even a psychiatrist would and should know and she runs her own practice and accepts my insurance. So although sad, it's best I move on from my current T as well. She was great, but there's no point if she doesn't specifically treat whatever it is I have outside of PTSD, because she doesn't think I have anything and she didn't find it a big deal that I quit my job five times and never remembered anything. I mean, I'm not an expert... but I know people with PTSD and that kind of severe symptom is not only PTSD and is likely something else.

 

[scout86]

Are you going to explain to your T why you're leaving? It would probably help her, down the road, if she knew.

 

[joeylittle]

I have found a therapist that specializes, however, in all personality disorders as well as lots and lots of other things that even a psychiatrist would and should know and she runs her own practice and accepts my insurance. So although sad, it's best I move on from my current T as well.

It sounds like a great opportunity. And the promise you can make to yourself is that you will be upfront about why you are coming to her; try and cut through the avoidance period as much as you can. I have found, it does get easier when going to a new person - or it can, if you want it to. I'll toss out the old standby - print out this thread, and bring it to her. Sometimes it's easier to hand something over than it is to talk, at first.

 

[expectingbetter]

@HappyJock I am glad to hear that you are closer to your decision. It really doesn't matter who of us is right. We all only want to help YOU to make a decision, you are the one who actually know what is the best for you, it's only hard to become aware of that.
I support you even if you decide to leave your perfect current therapist, there isn't many reasons why another therapist wouldn't be a good match for you too.
Go and give it a try, you can always get back to your previous T after all.
The most important thing is you to be sure you are in the right hands, and that your issues are treated properly, you deserve the best help you can get. I wish you all the luck. And let us know after a while how things are going on please.

 

[HappyJock]

Okay, so I saw the specialist. She was completely baffled at the stupidity of my psychiatrist and said she completely wrongly medicated and diagnosed me. Apparently, I have a severe case of DID, PTSD and very possibly Borderline. She spoke with me within the two hour session we had and she said she wouldn't honestly recommend ever returning to the psychiatrist. But she did recommend me return to my current therapist and tell her all of this and come up with a plan as well as seek EMDR. Wow. She said this was a severe hand-full. At first, I thought I'd be happy to finally know what was wrong with me, but now I'm kind of feeling down and alone. I didn't expect to have been going through all of this and I thought I'd been improving and doing better -- yet again, I disappoint myself but at least now I know what I can do. She also recommend me to not seek work at the moment and to really get deeper into therapy that the psychiatrist has been delaying for so long what with her completely unethical, innacruate and rude treatment. She said it could have been getting worse all this time and that I was wrongly medicated when in reality I didn't need medicine in the first place. And certainly not the ones she gave me, if I did want medication. But I never wanted any to begin with. But that's it -- in a nutshell, she said it's way, way more severe than I'm getting help for. She also said Asperges but I forgot what that is.

 

[joeylittle]

but now I'm kind of feeling down and alone. I didn't expect to have been going through all of this and I thought I'd been improving and doing better -- yet again, I disappoint myself but at least now I know what I can do.

I'm sure it's hard stuff to hear - but honestly, really good work getting yourself to a new person, getting re-evaluated. That stuff isn't easy to do. And if you don't do it, ultimately, nothing gets better.

I went to therapy for about a year to deal with a big breakup. I didn't even talk about depression the whole time I was there, and certainly never talked about assault. My therapist after that, and the psych I added - I never talked about the trauma. Took about 3 years, give or take, for me to be ready to talk about everything that was going on. I don't see those years as wasted time, I see them all as getting to the point where I could do the work that I really needed to do. It's never a waste, so long as you find another step forward.

 

[HappyJock]

I'm sure it's hard stuff to hear - but honestly, really good work getting yourself to a new person, g...

Thanks! It certainly is hard to hear. I'm not taking it well personally -- and I have myself to blame for all of this, but nonetheless it feels as though a weight has been lifted. The irony in my belief yesterday; I actually really liked this therapist/specialist! I was very anxious when speaking to her, but wow, was she great and extremely knowledgeable. I'm really glad I both got to see this one and am going back with this info to my current therapist to see what'll happen next. Thanks again for all the advice and responses.

You're definitely right! None of those moments or years you spent have been wasted -- they've been like a staircase of progress over the years, each getting better and better.

 

[scout86]

and I have myself to blame for all of this

Just curious, but what are you to blame for, and how is it your fault? I'm not sure I see anything in this situation that I'd call "your fault".

 

[HappyJock]

Just curious, but what are you to blame for, and how is it your fault? I'm not sure I see anything in t...

For choosing a wrong psychiatrist. For not making improvements and for allowing things to effect me and for not seeing or speaking out sooner, because I've always notices these symptoms but haven't ever had the courage to admit them and they weren't ever noticed. For not being stronger.

 

[scout86]

OK

How were you supposed to know this was the wrong psychiatrist?

I'm not sure it's true you haven't made ANY improvements. You were able to start building a working relationship with the T, which isn't nothing. I'd bet there's more than that.

My T says it's a problem that I DON'T let things effect me. Or I don't let myself notice that they do. Or I don't let anyone else notice that I do. Not sure what to do with that one.

Seeing and speaking out sooner? Well, it takes time to sort things out and you get better at sorting things with practice. Unless you have a reason to believe you can be perfect (not SHOULD, CAN), I'm letting you off the hook for that one too.

It would be way cool if we could notice these symptoms and walk in to the office of a total stranger and say "Hey doc, I've got this problem and this is exactly what it is." But, if we could do that they wouldn't call it a "disorder". (My first session, I tried to tell my T how to do his job, sort of. He said "Thanks, but I can handle it" LOL) Trust me when I say that pretty much NO ONE is very good at just spitting this stuff out. Some people are better than others. I happen to be terrible. I've found it's more useful to accept that and work on it than it is to beat myself up over it. (Which happens to be something else I'm pretty good at.))

"Not being stronger". Umm I'm kind of tempted to roll my eyes, but I don't know you well enough to be sure you'd laugh. So I won't. But, my personal opinion is that strength has very little to do with this. One of the strongest people I've ever known killed himself because of PTSD. If strength was what it takes, he'd be here typing this and I'd be dead. You're strong enough. You ARE enough. You're doing fine. This was a bump in the road, not the end of it. You learn as you go and you're doing that. There's more to learn and more mistakes to make. Not your fault! :tup:

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you're making awesome strides forward in healing!

Please try not to beat yourself up. I don't think anyone really finds the greatest therapist and psychiatrist on the first try. (Well, some get lucky, but I'd wager that's more of the exception than the rule.)

Somewhere in your mind you questioned that old psychiatrist. You came here and posted. Now you're on a new healing path. (This is a good thing!)

It's so easy to look back and beat ourselves up for what we should have done. (Believe me, I have done this myself quite a bit.) We can't change the past. In a perfect world we all would have started our healing journeys about 2.5 seconds after the trauma stopped. Sometimes it just takes time to get on the right path---the important thing to focus on is that right here and right now you are working on healing. The past is what it is. I'm so glad you're moving forward! (I hope you're proud of yourself, too.)

 

[HappyJock]

I went back to my current therapist and told her all of this -- and it make me go back into wondering if she's the right therapist for me. I showed her the paper (my notes on the specialist's diagnosis). It said that it was a severe case of DID as well as Borderline. What next? She continues asking me about the general things about me and my week and completely avoided asking me about more about the DID and Borderline. Now, I'm not judging, of course, but with the way the specialist made it seem, it should be the main focus and it seems to be the least. I'm not sure if I'm over-thinking this? Like I said many times, she's fantastic! But she is not a specialist, doesn't diagnose and sessions are only 30 minutes. I feel like all of that added up, it doesn't make for much progress. Half the session would only be spent on trying to talk -- the next would either her be reading what I wrote or talking about things that may be important, but not the core issues. I'm either getting the right treatment and am over-thinking it, or am along the right lines and she may not be the right choice. I just would hate having to start therapy... yet again... with someone else. The specialist said that her sessions are usually a little over an hour but usually just an hour. I feel like I don't get anything done in 30 minutes. Even though I genuinely like talking to her. I'm not going there to talk to her because she's a friend. It's for intensive therapy. 30 minutes doesn't seem intensive, but then I don't know what steps to follow. Continue, seek elsewhere? We didn't even come up with a treatment plan for the DID but we ran short of 30 minutes so I'm not sure if I'm sticking around for the right reasons or just for comfort. I can afford to see another T, finances are luckily never an issue, I just don't want to stay or leave for the wrong reasons.