Muttly
Diamond Member
I guess in some ways the title says it all. We will send our T emails, but we don't in general reach out in full crisis mode. We don't expect a speedy response to emails. Don't necessary expect a response at all.
We've lost almost 24 hours in time. We have a vague sense of what we were up to. Stuff that triggers us. During that time we didn't eat at all. We haven't been eating enough in general so missing that big window of time wasn't so good. Other than some coffee not sure we drank anything. Didn't manage some important chores, didn't brush our teeth, etc. The only thing we did is basic care for the pets.
I guess we reached a place where we wanted to hang ourself. Not to die but just to feel it. Yeah, I know. That's kind of messed up. Somewhere in there someone texted t. I think it had to be a little one. I guess it was a pretty straight out "We need help". That's not what we do. I mean, we can be in a major crisis and send T an email that says, "we've been better.". T texted back and we didn't answer for a while (hours?). Finally someone did respond. No clue what was said. But then T called us. We answered but at first we literally couldn't form words. I know that. And I know we switched back and forth a lot. And I looked at the phone when we hung up and we'd been on the phone with her for 57 minutes.
And we feel bad. I mean, I do understand she didn't have to call. But I still feel like we probably took up way too much of her time. That we probably could have pulled it together on our own (maybe.). We already get most or our sessions for free right now because we have no money and now we are doing this.
And I guess we also feel ashamed. We've been stressed. We can't deny that. But we also know we've come a long ways as far as our mental health. And to be as messed up as we were feels like we've failed. And doing the things we think we were doing during that lost time also seems shameful. And we thought this year we weren't triggered by a couple anniversary dates. So did T. But near the end of the she asked if it was that time. We said yes. She said something about having hoped we'd left those triggers behind. It wasn't a judgement from her. I know that. But it still feels like failure to us.
She also wanted us to let her know how we are doing later, which I guess we should do. I don't like the fact that means maybe we've made her worry.
I don't know how much of the feelings of shame and guilt our about T and how much are about other stuff going on inside. I don't even know if there's a point to this thread. Maybe this post is me just being attention seeking.
We've lost almost 24 hours in time. We have a vague sense of what we were up to. Stuff that triggers us. During that time we didn't eat at all. We haven't been eating enough in general so missing that big window of time wasn't so good. Other than some coffee not sure we drank anything. Didn't manage some important chores, didn't brush our teeth, etc. The only thing we did is basic care for the pets.
I guess we reached a place where we wanted to hang ourself. Not to die but just to feel it. Yeah, I know. That's kind of messed up. Somewhere in there someone texted t. I think it had to be a little one. I guess it was a pretty straight out "We need help". That's not what we do. I mean, we can be in a major crisis and send T an email that says, "we've been better.". T texted back and we didn't answer for a while (hours?). Finally someone did respond. No clue what was said. But then T called us. We answered but at first we literally couldn't form words. I know that. And I know we switched back and forth a lot. And I looked at the phone when we hung up and we'd been on the phone with her for 57 minutes.
And we feel bad. I mean, I do understand she didn't have to call. But I still feel like we probably took up way too much of her time. That we probably could have pulled it together on our own (maybe.). We already get most or our sessions for free right now because we have no money and now we are doing this.
And I guess we also feel ashamed. We've been stressed. We can't deny that. But we also know we've come a long ways as far as our mental health. And to be as messed up as we were feels like we've failed. And doing the things we think we were doing during that lost time also seems shameful. And we thought this year we weren't triggered by a couple anniversary dates. So did T. But near the end of the she asked if it was that time. We said yes. She said something about having hoped we'd left those triggers behind. It wasn't a judgement from her. I know that. But it still feels like failure to us.
She also wanted us to let her know how we are doing later, which I guess we should do. I don't like the fact that means maybe we've made her worry.
I don't know how much of the feelings of shame and guilt our about T and how much are about other stuff going on inside. I don't even know if there's a point to this thread. Maybe this post is me just being attention seeking.
