General Reaching Out Even When You've Been Asked Not To?

[ldj]

Is this ever an ok thing to do?? I'm thinking not, and yet I really want to send the following to my vet:

"Hope the new year brings you strength, courage, inner peace and the success and happiness you deserve. Your friend, always xxx"

Is it ok to send him that? Even though he's asked for no contact? Even though he's said it's over? I've been respecting his wishes so far (apart from letting him know my(our) dog had died, I figured that was permissible) It's been tough, but I've been writing it all down instead to process it and get it out!

But is it so wrong to weaken today and to want to send him my good thoughts for the new year? Could it really do that much harm? I don't think my motivation for sending it is selfish. I just want to show him I'm ok with what's happened, I don't blame him or think badly of him, I genuinely just want the best for him and for him to heal and get better.

But am I actually only doing it for my own need to feel better about myself? My need to be liked, and to be thought of as a good, caring person? I don't think I am. But will it come across that way? Does he really need to hear it as much I need to say it?? Possibly not.

Surely it's just an innocent, friendly, 'hey I'm wishing you well!', right? It's not over-emotional. I'm not saying I miss him. I'm not saying I love him. I'm not saying I wish he was here. I'm not saying hurry up and get better so we can be together again. There's no pressure or expectation in my words, is there??

Would I want to receive it if I were him though????

Any thoughts/advice gratefully appreciated!

 

[Clinging on]

I think it's better to let him know you are their rather than him thinking he has been deserted , from my experience anyway.

 

[ldj]

Hi Gibbs, welcome to the forum!

I don't think he does feel deserted, quite the opposite. He found my love and support too much; he was unable to reciprocate, he felt guilty about bringing me down and not being able to meet my needs. He needed out, in order to focus on getting well.

So this could seem like yet more unwanted affection and concern.

But on the other hand, the only reason my love has been unwanted, is because he feels bad about what his withdrawn behaviour is doing to me. He wants to love me back, but just can't at the moment, when he can't even love himself.

But deep down, I'm sure he appreciates feeling loved. Deep down, he needs my support and understanding, right? We're all human, we all want to feel like people care about us. So this is a way of showing him I still care.

 

[Justmehere]

Did he explain why he asked for no contact?

If I tell someone I want no contact and I later change my mind, I'll initiate contact.

But if they initiate contact, it could send me into a tail spin because the issue for me isn't the good wishes but the total lack of regard for my boundaries and limits, no meaning no.

Your message seems like a good one, but simply be aware that it could come across differently to him than it would for you.

 

[Newtoptsd]

Hey lovely,

In my opinion I wouldn't send it, he's asked for no contact and if he doesn't reply it will make you feel worse!!

From my experience anyway I always feel better for not messaging rather than message and have no reply. He knows how you feel and he just needs that space to get right, sometimes the more you reach out the more you push away. I would say send it if he hadn't asked for no contact but I'm not sure in this case? Sufferers might know better than me though!

X

 

[ldj]

@Justmehere - ah thank you for saying that. Yes, I agree with you, it could just be viewed negatively by him, as me not respecting his wishes, me not listening to what he asked. So the fact that it's a nice, well-intended message will be irrelevant. That's exactly what I fear will be the case. In which case, I've answered my own question, haven't I. I shouldn't send anything.

He wasn't really able to explain his reasons in detail, just that he didn't want to bring me down with him. He could barely string a sentence together in the end, barely looked me in the eye. It was all so sudden. I knew he was leaving to start new job, but I didn't think that meant the end of us. Just that we'd have some time apart, with him focusing on his needs without the stress of having to interact with me.

But he said he needed it to be a definite end in his head, so he didn't feel like he was stringing me along. I feel like I've invested so much in this relationship, learnt so much from this forum, that I'm not ready to give up on him. I can't imagine my future with anyone else.

But obviously, I have to accept it. My head is telling me to get on with my life, keep myself busy, happy and healthy. That's all I can do, I can't fix him, so I'll just have to look after myself. But in my heart, I won't give up on the hope that one day, we might be together again.

 

[ldj]

@Newtoptsd - "the more you reach out, the more you push away"

Hmmm so true, this has especially been the case for me in dealing with all this I think. So I should learn from that now and keep quiet I guess. And you're right about the lack of reply making me feel worse. Even though I know he wouldn't reply and wouldn't expect it, I'd still subconsciously be hoping for that small miracle! Only to be disappointed!

 

[Newtoptsd]

@Newtoptsd - "the more you reach out, the more you push away"

Hmmm so true, this has...

@ldj honestly I know because I've been there, when I send a message when he's not very well I get this horrible sick feeling in my stomach and waiting for a reply is the pitts! That's why now I know it's better I just don't, tricky with my sufferer as from day one I've done pretty much all the initiation via txt and phone call so I have to just give space before I message again!

I often ask my sufferer if he wants me not to contact him again and he always says that's not what he's saying so I don't feel bad for reaching out. If he did say he didn't want me to contact him again I wouldn't, I would kick myself several times if I did!

You're doing the right thing by not sending it, I think once you've given yourself a few months to settle back down and given him some space it might be ok to send a message but not a matter of days/weeks after. He needs to know you'll be fine without him love otherwise he will just think he's the one who's making you miserable. He may never return but if he does it helps to know that you're strong enough without him etc.

Sending hugs!!

 

[Justmehere]

Idj - it's so hard when a relationship we have invested a lot into ends. :hug:s

Maybe there is hope, maybe not, but either way, I think that building up skills of waiting and/or letting go, and how to ride through the hellish waves of grief, will go a long ways in this relationship or any other. My heart goes out to you and I hope you have a wonderful New Years Eve!

 

[ldj]

Thanks all xxx

 

[Wtfiswrong]

Thanks all xxx

So what happened ?

 

[ldj]

So what happened ?

Well, I resisted sending the message. Said happy new year to his family instead. Not had any contact with him and feel proud of my strength and willpower. But no doubt I'll weaken and will want to send him a "hope it goes ok" on the day he has his first therapy meeting in February. Or a hello on his birthday, etc. But I'll try not to. Sigh