Sufferer Reaching Out One Last Time

[Deleted member 28702]

Hello, I am new to the group and I have been suffering from PTSD and depression since I was a teenager after an extremely abusive and violent childhood. Since graduation from college there has been a long series of trauma that has perpetuated my condition for the last 30 years. Violence has plagued my life and I am in a constant state of stress because I truly feel that my abusers are coming to kill me. A year ago I felt it necessary to quit my 9 year job working for an event production company after realizing the extent to which the women in the organization were being raped and sexually assaulted by the men in power. As a result I have lost almost all of my yearly income and cannot qualify for unemployment because I was working as an at will employee. I am a certified teacher and I have been working during the off-season as an independent online teacher and pet sitter while living in Mexico. I recently had to borrow money from a friend to pay my rent and I do not have enough income to cover my monthly expenses and care for my animals. I do not have any family who I can contact and as a result of leaving the company, I have lost my community of friends which I had called my chosen family. I lost two friends to suicide last summer as a result of their termination from the same company and I have begun to seriously consider suicide as a viable option. I have no resources and I do not want to see my animals suffer. I am currently actively looking for homes for them and I plan to follow through with my plan if things do not improve by the end of February when I will no longer have a place to live. My animals have always been the reason I have not attempted suicide in the past as well as a spiritual conviction that suicide would cause further suffering in the afterlife and in future incarnations. I am coming to realize that I have failed in this lifetime and I cannot justify further suffering. I have asked for help from family and friends many many times over the years and have never been taken seriously. I have been in therapy many times in my adult life, but I have never been able to afford sustained therapy. I recently returned to the US and survived for a few months using food stamps, but I still could not afford to put a roof over my head. All of my attempts at finding gainful employment in the US were unsuccessful and I returned to Mexico where at least I had the money to cover my $150 a month rent. I now can't even afford that. I am so sick of hearing that suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem because my PTSD has been anything but temporary. I feel that I have no other options and I would like to decide my own death rather than allow my mental illness and poverty consume me leaving my animals to suffer further. I have no children and for this I am grateful because I think I would feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for bringing a child into the world we live in today. I feel a sense of peace now that I am considering suicide as an alternative to the misery I have been living with for my entire life. I just wanted to reach out one more time and to desperately hope that it is not in vain. Thank you for taking the time to read this long post.

 

[TLight]

I know a bit about how you feel right now.

I'm going to be 50 in 6 months and my life has been very similar. The original abuse as a child was horrific enough, but the retraumitization is almost worse. It's like how do you make it stop?

You are right. PTSD is not temporary. But if you hang in there and trust the Universe, eventually you will have a safe place and time to recoup. You have to trust that. It has happened for me. I'm finally on disability, have a safe healthy quiet place to live, finally have some good people in my life who actually care about me. I NEVER thought it would happen NEVER.

It is ultimately your choice and no one can make it but you. But perhaps knowing that after all these horrific decades and 4 serious suicide attempts, my life if finally becoming bearable, at times I even feel grateful and hopeful about the future. I doing artwork and was recently on the front page of our local newspaper and I've several shows coming up. It can turn around......

Please, I'm glad you reached out again. Take a deep breath, snuggle in your blankets, try to comfort yourself and know I'm sending comfort your way.

I'm so sorry its been so hard. Really I am. I know it first hand. If you have the internet, when I'm down (because now I'm physically ill also) I watch TONS of near death experience videos. This isn't that I'm wishing for death now, but for some reason listening to all those folks and knowing that there is something truly incredible and peaceful and beautiful and it's here with us now is so very comforting to me. Perhaps it will help you make it through the night......

Thinking of you....love you, even though I don't know you, I love you.

 

[Deleted member 28702]

Thank you so much, TLight! I read and watch stories of near-death experiences incessantly, too! I thought I was the only one! After my first fiancee was murdered, knowing that there was such beauty and peace in the afterlife gave me so much comfort and truly kept me alive. I love you, too!

 

[Wounded Scribe]

Hi. Warning, this post may trigger you, but I feel you need to hear this....

I know how you feel. I really do. Please, don't follow through with your plan. It's not worth it. All of the reasons you just listed for suicide, aren't worth it. I ought to know.

I survived a self-inflicted gun-shot wound 1/4 of an inch from my heart, 28 years ago. I suffered for 10 years under the hands of a violent abuser. (Father.) My mother, abandoned me at the age of 4, as if I were some sort of merchandise she could just casually take back. No phone calls. No visits. No, "I love you." No Christmas. Nothing. She just left me to die in an abusive home. My step mother, couldn't care less about me and ignored the abusive, and violent things happening to me. I lived in fear of my life for a decade. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, I never knew if tonight, would be the night my father would hurt me, or maybe, it would be a peaceful night.

In the summer of 85, I turned to suicide. I like you, considered this a viable option for my life. I remember the moment when I surrendered my life to suicide, I feel, this is where you are perhaps. I knew, I was going to die, I just didn't know...how

It was 7 months before I would actually aim that rifle at my heart.

I considered everything at my disposal. There was a tall bluff with jagged rocks. I tried cutting. I tried ropes, and considered poison. I had a secret death wish. If a bus hit me, I would have considered it a good thing. Suicide, became a place for me to escape to. It was the one thing I could control in my life when everything else was so far out of control. I decided to go with a firearm. I planned everything about my suicide. When, where, how, why etc. I chose a light caliber rifle because I needed to smuggle the rifle out of the house. I knew it would happen in a peaceful secluded woods. I knew it would be a heart shot because I wanted to look decent when they found me, I was so naive and this is where I feel so many who are considering suicide, miss....

Lacking any experience in actually dying, how was I supposed to understand there would be a moment, during the moment after, I would regret?

How could I possibly regret, taking my life when it had hurt for so long? I wish, I had known these things before I fired that weapon and took my life because I wouldn't live with the tormenting effects of PTSD.

I remember how calm things were when I had that resolution. I stopped crying out for help, and I am so grateful, you are still crying out.

We lived in an isolated countryside. The nearest ambulance was 13 miles north and the closest hospital was 18 miles south. I got home from school on the day I would take my life. There were only two people home. There were more cows, woods, and farms than people. My elderly grandfather and 9 year old brother were all that were home.

I put on my best shirt. I wrote my suicide note out. I put on a tie. I found, suicide steals your dignity and as I say, I wanted to look decent. I climbed out of a bedroom window and I ran almost a half a mile into the woods. I loaded the rifle, aimed it at my heart, and just before depressing the trigger, I pulled slighltly to the left and missed by 1/4 of an inch.

When that rifle went off, I knew I had made a mistake. I had never died before. I just took a drink from a cup, I could never undo. I was going to die and I didn't want to die. How could that be? I thought, this is what I wanted?

Because, you don't realize how much you value you something until it's at risk of being gone forever. Remember the last time you were sick? What did you think? You regretted taking good health for granted. You couldn't wait to get out of bed and go and live your life..... I found, dying from suicide no different.

I wanted 3 things. I wanted to breathe freely one more time. I took breathing for granted and I was dying by suffocation. I wanted to see the sun again, I shot myself on a cloudy, overcast day at close to 5PM on a winter's evening. I would never see the sun again, and I regretted that.

Finally, I thought the most unusual thought. I thought, "Name a reason to live...." I thought for a moment. I'd like to grow up and one day be a daddy. It was enough to save my life. It gave me hope. I remember thinking, "I'd take 10000 reasons for suicide if I could have my life back, the way it was before the moment after." I knew it was too late, but it wasn't too late to fight for my life, and fought I did. I fought for 2 hours before my heart gave out under the weight of the trauma and they had to revive me.


Due to PTSD, I found myself homeless in 1998. I was broke, pennilesss, friendless, divorced, no where to go, no job, my depression was a 5 alarm fire, and I was dealing with wicked PTSD symptoms. I wanted to take my life but I remembered, lessons from my past.

My life was a gift. It had value. As long as I lived, I could continue to fight, even if it were for an inch. An inch today, is a yard tomorrow, a mile a month. I thought of a reason to live. I love coffee. If I were dead, I could never enjoy another cup of coffee, and so I promised myself a cup of coffee. The next day, I got one. The day after that, I got another one and so on.... One day, turned into another, and bit by bit, life got better.

Today, I am a daddy. I am grateful, suicide never claimed my life. I have been married to my best friend for 14 years. Life is worth it.

You have value. You have things, and reasons you get out of bed each day, harness them. An inch today, is a yard in the morning, and a mile next month. Be kind to yourself. Take one day at a time. Get help, if you can't get help, get active here. The stuff you lose because you can't pay your bills is the stuff that's going to burn away but at least you will be alive. Make friends here. A friend, is a friend, we never met, and I care enough about you to invest this time with you.

Please take care, get help, don't give up.....

 

[Deleted member 28702]

Thank you for caring about me, Wounded Scribe.

 

[TLight]

Wow Scribe.....thanks for surviving.....

 

[Wounded Scribe]

I do care. I care for any of my friends who feel that pull on their life. I know it hurts, but just remember, no storm blows forever. If I care, than there are others here who care about you, and if we care about you here, there's at least one in your life who does also. But, if you can't find anyone to care, if you can, volunteer somewhere. Serve others. Don't surrender your life, give your life away serving others. Stay in touch if you can....

 

[Seagreen]

Welcome.

 

[Deleted member 28702]

Thank you so much for your kind and comforting words, Scribe. I am always looking for volunteer opportunities in my community. I have volunteered for many years with animal rights and animal rescue organizations. Unfortunately, I have been bullied and attacked verbally many times by other volunteers. I took your words to heart over the weekend and I went to my local animal shelter this morning. I was verbally assaulted by the volunteer coordinator and I am trembling at the moment with fear. Many folks take up volunteerism as an ego-driven and misguided form of self-gratification. As a sufferer of Complex PTSD, I tend to give too much of myself and put others first. It is a fine line. I think I will just lock the doors and isolate myself again. It's just not worth it to try and volunteer at this point. You seem like you are much further down the road to effectively managing your symptoms than I am.

 

[intothelight]

With PTSD, how we interpret the world and especially the actions and words of others can definitely be skewed towards the way we see ourselves. Take some time and learn about some of the more common cognitive distortions and then try to redirect the interactions in light of those distortions. Isolation can feel safe, but it only perpetuates the problems while too much interaction can be overwhelming.

Start simple and with baby steps.

 

[Deleted member 28702]

Okay, Intothelight. Could you provide me with some resources? Perhaps some links or literature to provide me with the appropriate responses to people who I perceive as threatening? I am not on disability and I have to work for a living, so I do have interpersonal interactions on a daily basis. I really don't think I am completely off-base here, however. I over-extend myself and make commitments I can't keep with regard to volunteerism and this is what gets the reactions from the self-righteous people that I described in my previous post. I am aware of how my view is distorted with interpersonal relationships and I will not attempt to enter into any type of intimate relationship without being more confident that I am better able to manage my distorted perceptions. Daily interactions with strangers that are hostile and threatening is what I am referring to.

 

[Deleted member 28702]

I realize that I project an expectation of negativity onto strangers that I encounter daily. However, that doesn't change the fact that these interactions are inherently hostile. I think the key is to not internalize these encounters and not to allow them to determine my own self-worth and self-image. I will not be so naive as to think that I don't live in a dangerous and violently hostile world. It is a fact. To deny that reality is ignorant and blind. I'm sick and tired of being told that I am wrong when there is so much in the world that is so far from right. Why am I the crazy one with distorted and unrealistic perceptions of the world? That doesn't give other people the right to be antagonistic and to victimize others. I take responsibility for my actions, but that does not give anyone else a pass to be abusive.