Reassurances From Pdoc Today

[Forgetful]

Around August Pdoc and I started working on the foundationsame needed for EMDR. I gave permission for her to talk with T so my care would be coordinated. They both know finding words is difficult for me when stressed and regarding feelings. They also know about some physical symptoms directly related to my PTSD

The first EMDR session we worked on something I never thought of as traumatic. That led to 6 days of brain vacation. So she told me again that I set the pace so we are going slow with a lot of foundation work too. She gives me homework each week that includes meditation, breathing exercises and things to think about and journal entries. Last week's was thoughts and fears about EMDR and myself.

So today when she asked about it I handed her the notes I wrote and after reading it we had a good conversation. Mostly I needed reassurance that nothing I say will push her away, shock her, disgust her or change the way she feels about me. Not remembering every detail does not mean I'm making things up, PTSD is the correct diagnosis (with some OCD tendacies). She pointed out the depression has come back and she wasn't bothered by me saying that the other night I was feeling really bad physically that when I went to bed (really early) I thought for sure I was going to die and I was OK with that thought. Of course we talked about that so she knows it was only a thought and I'm not suicidal.

The rest of the session was about my self hatred, my being a waste of skin and basically a bad person. This was a hard session for me but I feel better now, kind of lighter inside. At the end I apologized because I feel like I talk about stupid shit alot. She said it's not stupid shit because she learns a little more about me and how I think and feel each time.

I guess I needed reassurances today which feels kind of childish.... I'm 50. I should be soooo past this by now

 

[Rumors]

working on the same things myself. I, too, feel like I should be over it. Sucks! Having self compassion is very hard but try and think about the phrase, "better late than never." It always applies and means the next 50 years will be much better!

 

[Forgetful]

Thank you Rumors. I cannot put into words how much it means to know I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings. And to know I have someplace safe to share them and am understood. I can't tell my family these things because I don't want to scare them.. Sometimes thesee thoughts are fleeting but are always dark and disturbing.

 

[kona355]

@Link Removed - You're not alone in your feelings, any of them. As I read your post I was thinking, yeah I do that one.. and that one. Oh, there's another. And then, hey I'm 60 and have been trying to heal for the thirty years or so since I found out why I was so jacked up inside my mind. You've helped me remember it does take time.

Keep to the pursuit of healing, others are there with you on parallel paths, and all while thinking and feeling the same kinds of things..

 

[VioletButterfly]

I'm near your age and not even near as far along as you sound like you are. Just a little bit ago, I posted that I felt like I needed a mommy's hand to hold today, so you, most definitely, are not alone. It sounds like you have a wonderful team working with you and that you are on a good path to recovery. Best to you. VB