Hi,
My partner and I have been together about 2 years (if you still count our relationship in its current state as “together”). She is a survivor of some intense traumas (chronic neglect/emotional abuse from her family, several sexual assaults). As far as I know, she has never been formally diagnosed with CPTSD but, based on what I know about trauma, I think she shows symptoms of it.
The last 8 months of our relationship have been very difficult…she kicked me out of the house/asked for our relationship to “go on hiatus.” She states I have not respected her boundaries or met her needs in the relationship. In retrospect, I have not and I feel horrible about this. I have hurt her (not physically but emotionally and psychologically) and our relationship (never intentionally but the damage is done). I don’t know how or if it is possible to climb out of this deep dark hole our relationship has devolved into.
About 8 months ago (coincidental timing? probably not) my partner began doing weekly one-on-one counselling sessions to work on healing the trauma(s) from her past she carries. We had pre-existing communication/relationship issues but I don’t think they were drastically beyond the scope of most “normal” issues couples face. I do not think her doing counselling and her trauma is the cause of our relationship issues but it certainly complicates things immensely.
The counselling dredged up a lot of heavy/painful things from her past (this is not an assumption on my part, they are her words). Things seemed to shift rather quickly. Early on in the one-on-one counseling sessions, she seemed very raw, mostly sad. I remember one day shortly after she started the weekly sessions, we were lying in bed, I was holding her in my arms while she wept. They were tears about the painful things that have happened to her and she has had to carry with her for so long. She said to me “you’ve saved me, I couldn’t do this without you.” I have never felt so close to her and as in love with her as I did in that moment. Even though it was a heavy moment, it was a time we felt very connected to each other.
Shortly thereafter, her emotional rawness changed from sadness to anger (I observed this and she told me). This, in my opinion, is when our relationship truly began to take a nose dive. She is triggered by me and my behaviours so easily now (flashbacks/automatic reactions–some were pretty brutal, almost as if she was having a seizure). She has stated that she no longer feels “safe” with me (emotionally, I have never hurt her physically). In the time I have known her, I have watched her sever ties with three people she once considered friends. This is a strategy she has needed to survive in the past but it is a pretty extreme measure to take. I feel like she is doing the same to me now. She repeatedly states that in order for our relationship to heal/be viable, I need to respect her boundaries. Fair enough, the issue I struggle with is that there seem to be so many boundaries/walls in place now–some that seem to contradict each other. Here are two examples that illustrate this:
1) She has stated that I cannot defer to her and expect her to take charge in our relationship (she doesn’t want to feel like she is my mom + she is in an emotionally/psychologically compromised state due to her trauma healing work). Fair enough, I don’t want to be in a relationship with my mom either. The issue that comes up time and time again is she also wants to feel included in things --> she wants me to “check in” with her about thoughts/ideas I have. I seem to keep vacillating between deferral (me trying to check in but it coming across as if I am asking her to make the decision(s) for us) and “charging-ahead autocrat” roles (me trying to take the lead in the relationship, saying “hey, here’s a plan I have, let’s do it!” She has stated this makes her feel left out and alone). Finding the “sweet spot” between taking the lead and including her is very challenging.
2) She has put up walls. Her take on the current state of our relationship is it is entirely my fault and therefore up to me to fix. She stated that over the winter she struggled with depression on top of the emotional rawness brought on by her counselling and this depression was caused by my behaviours/modes of communication and being around her. She asked me to “help” her with these things (not fix her issues, just offer the kind of positive support I should be able to give) yet, in the process of trying to do so, I have crossed boundaries of hers and the whole effort backfires. For example, I reached out to two of her friends on her behalf in the past (two friends she feels safe with, who she has shared details of the dark issues she faces, who we have agreed are safe people to seek support from). She felt I was invading her social space with these people who are “her” friends (I have built my own connections with these people too), putting her friendships with these people at risk. This is somewhat related to the first example above–she asks for something (or multiple things) yet I cannot seem to do the “right” thing despite my best efforts. I feel stuck in a double bind in so many ways.
The limited contact/interactions I have had with my partner since we separated mostly seem to be further digging ourselves into this deep dark hole. She is very much on guard around me, I react/get triggered by this (her tone of voice, her anger/yelling/hostility). I am absolutely guilty of saying/doing (or not saying/doing) things that have hurt her. She has also done and said things that hurt me, particularly in the last 2 months–she has called me names, belittled me, yelled at me. I know she is in a compromised state and she has reason to be upset with me, I can’t completely write-off things she says/does in these triggered states (they ARE coming from somewhere inside of her, she is a smart woman who is very in touch with her needs/boundaries) but I feel so much pain in these moments/interactions with her, it leaves me with little hope/optimism that we can rebuild or heal our relationship. The worst part for me is the push-and-pull dynamic characteristic of our relationship recently. In order for our relationship to heal, I need to work on my issues (I am seeking professional help from a counsellor, doing a lot of online research, and just general “soul-searching” to try to look within myself and identify things about behaviours I want to alter in order to be a more effective supporter and a better partner/person). We also need to rebuild trust and love (i.e., have interactions we both walk away from feeling good about, with more energy than we went into them with). I am trying to do what I can to make this happen but I feel like what she wants/needs is a moving target I can never quite seem to hit...I wonder if it is possible to hit this/these target(s) given the current state of our relationship and her explicitly stated distrust in me. I have told her twice I want to do couples’ counselling with her, she says she cannot take on more counselling on top of the one-on-one trauma healing work she is doing.
If I knew we just needed time and space apart to heal/cool-off, I could deal with this. The part that is killing me is she says it is up to me to fix the relationship, I have to show her through actions/behaviours that I can indeed be a supportive partner (just “giving her space” does not seem to be an option). I am trying so hard but seemingly not having success. I am not done trying and I am not out of love but I too have been hurt by her and I don’t know how much longer I can continue to do this draining dance with her. I love her and want to have a life with her I just don’t clearly see what needs to be done to make that happen. I feel stuck, sad, and frustrated.
Any insight, help, support, advice would be greatly appreciated.
My partner and I have been together about 2 years (if you still count our relationship in its current state as “together”). She is a survivor of some intense traumas (chronic neglect/emotional abuse from her family, several sexual assaults). As far as I know, she has never been formally diagnosed with CPTSD but, based on what I know about trauma, I think she shows symptoms of it.
The last 8 months of our relationship have been very difficult…she kicked me out of the house/asked for our relationship to “go on hiatus.” She states I have not respected her boundaries or met her needs in the relationship. In retrospect, I have not and I feel horrible about this. I have hurt her (not physically but emotionally and psychologically) and our relationship (never intentionally but the damage is done). I don’t know how or if it is possible to climb out of this deep dark hole our relationship has devolved into.
About 8 months ago (coincidental timing? probably not) my partner began doing weekly one-on-one counselling sessions to work on healing the trauma(s) from her past she carries. We had pre-existing communication/relationship issues but I don’t think they were drastically beyond the scope of most “normal” issues couples face. I do not think her doing counselling and her trauma is the cause of our relationship issues but it certainly complicates things immensely.
The counselling dredged up a lot of heavy/painful things from her past (this is not an assumption on my part, they are her words). Things seemed to shift rather quickly. Early on in the one-on-one counseling sessions, she seemed very raw, mostly sad. I remember one day shortly after she started the weekly sessions, we were lying in bed, I was holding her in my arms while she wept. They were tears about the painful things that have happened to her and she has had to carry with her for so long. She said to me “you’ve saved me, I couldn’t do this without you.” I have never felt so close to her and as in love with her as I did in that moment. Even though it was a heavy moment, it was a time we felt very connected to each other.
Shortly thereafter, her emotional rawness changed from sadness to anger (I observed this and she told me). This, in my opinion, is when our relationship truly began to take a nose dive. She is triggered by me and my behaviours so easily now (flashbacks/automatic reactions–some were pretty brutal, almost as if she was having a seizure). She has stated that she no longer feels “safe” with me (emotionally, I have never hurt her physically). In the time I have known her, I have watched her sever ties with three people she once considered friends. This is a strategy she has needed to survive in the past but it is a pretty extreme measure to take. I feel like she is doing the same to me now. She repeatedly states that in order for our relationship to heal/be viable, I need to respect her boundaries. Fair enough, the issue I struggle with is that there seem to be so many boundaries/walls in place now–some that seem to contradict each other. Here are two examples that illustrate this:
1) She has stated that I cannot defer to her and expect her to take charge in our relationship (she doesn’t want to feel like she is my mom + she is in an emotionally/psychologically compromised state due to her trauma healing work). Fair enough, I don’t want to be in a relationship with my mom either. The issue that comes up time and time again is she also wants to feel included in things --> she wants me to “check in” with her about thoughts/ideas I have. I seem to keep vacillating between deferral (me trying to check in but it coming across as if I am asking her to make the decision(s) for us) and “charging-ahead autocrat” roles (me trying to take the lead in the relationship, saying “hey, here’s a plan I have, let’s do it!” She has stated this makes her feel left out and alone). Finding the “sweet spot” between taking the lead and including her is very challenging.
2) She has put up walls. Her take on the current state of our relationship is it is entirely my fault and therefore up to me to fix. She stated that over the winter she struggled with depression on top of the emotional rawness brought on by her counselling and this depression was caused by my behaviours/modes of communication and being around her. She asked me to “help” her with these things (not fix her issues, just offer the kind of positive support I should be able to give) yet, in the process of trying to do so, I have crossed boundaries of hers and the whole effort backfires. For example, I reached out to two of her friends on her behalf in the past (two friends she feels safe with, who she has shared details of the dark issues she faces, who we have agreed are safe people to seek support from). She felt I was invading her social space with these people who are “her” friends (I have built my own connections with these people too), putting her friendships with these people at risk. This is somewhat related to the first example above–she asks for something (or multiple things) yet I cannot seem to do the “right” thing despite my best efforts. I feel stuck in a double bind in so many ways.
The limited contact/interactions I have had with my partner since we separated mostly seem to be further digging ourselves into this deep dark hole. She is very much on guard around me, I react/get triggered by this (her tone of voice, her anger/yelling/hostility). I am absolutely guilty of saying/doing (or not saying/doing) things that have hurt her. She has also done and said things that hurt me, particularly in the last 2 months–she has called me names, belittled me, yelled at me. I know she is in a compromised state and she has reason to be upset with me, I can’t completely write-off things she says/does in these triggered states (they ARE coming from somewhere inside of her, she is a smart woman who is very in touch with her needs/boundaries) but I feel so much pain in these moments/interactions with her, it leaves me with little hope/optimism that we can rebuild or heal our relationship. The worst part for me is the push-and-pull dynamic characteristic of our relationship recently. In order for our relationship to heal, I need to work on my issues (I am seeking professional help from a counsellor, doing a lot of online research, and just general “soul-searching” to try to look within myself and identify things about behaviours I want to alter in order to be a more effective supporter and a better partner/person). We also need to rebuild trust and love (i.e., have interactions we both walk away from feeling good about, with more energy than we went into them with). I am trying to do what I can to make this happen but I feel like what she wants/needs is a moving target I can never quite seem to hit...I wonder if it is possible to hit this/these target(s) given the current state of our relationship and her explicitly stated distrust in me. I have told her twice I want to do couples’ counselling with her, she says she cannot take on more counselling on top of the one-on-one trauma healing work she is doing.
If I knew we just needed time and space apart to heal/cool-off, I could deal with this. The part that is killing me is she says it is up to me to fix the relationship, I have to show her through actions/behaviours that I can indeed be a supportive partner (just “giving her space” does not seem to be an option). I am trying so hard but seemingly not having success. I am not done trying and I am not out of love but I too have been hurt by her and I don’t know how much longer I can continue to do this draining dance with her. I love her and want to have a life with her I just don’t clearly see what needs to be done to make that happen. I feel stuck, sad, and frustrated.
Any insight, help, support, advice would be greatly appreciated.
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