Hi all. I was recently diagnosed after many years on and off in therapy. I was forced into therapy as a young child and have had a severe distrust of therapists since then, so it took a lot for me to finally go to someone and be honest about everything. Or as much of everything I could say in an hour without having a breakdown.
I have had this pattern since I graduated from college where if I am working full time, I have the ability to be a great worker and functional adult for about 6 months, and then I end up breaking down. Quitting and running away to the beach or spending my time between the gym and Netflix. I have had the ability over the past few years to be able to take time off and reset myself and become ok again before returning to being a functioning worker. Because that's what we are supposed to do. It's the necessity.
I've reached that 6 months again, and things have slowly been progressing towards worse because I was told I need surgery on my triceps which I cannot have because I have to be able to work. But that takes away one of my coping mechanisms because I can't lift until I have surgery. My partner, who is getting her masters in counseling, told me I should seek out a trauma therapist. And so I did. Because I must be working. We don't have the ability to pay for everything if I am not.
So I went and was diagnosed and she says she wants to do EMDR with me. But over the past couple of weeks, I have just been feeling worse. Over the years, I have spent my time trying to control my interactions and distract myself from the bad things so I can function. I'm not quite sure how to go about things when I start getting panicky for seemingly no reason at work. I just end up dissociating and I don't know what's worse: facing the breakdown or not being there. But I have to. I have to work. And I am just so angry that I can't be allowed to take care of myself.
I have had this pattern since I graduated from college where if I am working full time, I have the ability to be a great worker and functional adult for about 6 months, and then I end up breaking down. Quitting and running away to the beach or spending my time between the gym and Netflix. I have had the ability over the past few years to be able to take time off and reset myself and become ok again before returning to being a functioning worker. Because that's what we are supposed to do. It's the necessity.
I've reached that 6 months again, and things have slowly been progressing towards worse because I was told I need surgery on my triceps which I cannot have because I have to be able to work. But that takes away one of my coping mechanisms because I can't lift until I have surgery. My partner, who is getting her masters in counseling, told me I should seek out a trauma therapist. And so I did. Because I must be working. We don't have the ability to pay for everything if I am not.
So I went and was diagnosed and she says she wants to do EMDR with me. But over the past couple of weeks, I have just been feeling worse. Over the years, I have spent my time trying to control my interactions and distract myself from the bad things so I can function. I'm not quite sure how to go about things when I start getting panicky for seemingly no reason at work. I just end up dissociating and I don't know what's worse: facing the breakdown or not being there. But I have to. I have to work. And I am just so angry that I can't be allowed to take care of myself.
