Reclaiming My Body.

[dylasd]

For a long time I tried to get my body back from my abuser by hurting it - cutting it, burning it, starving it, taking pieces of it away, trying to desexualise myself and make myself unrecognisable from the person that I used to be. It didn't work. I hurt myself for 9 years and it didn't work, and now I've been self-harm free for 6 months I'm trying to take my body back in a different way. I want the flashbacks to stop, I want my past to be the past, not the present. I have been in CBT for just over a year and will continue to go for some time yet, but I've been struggling to discuss the details of exactly what happened. Typing it out can be easier so I'm hoping that writing some things down here will mean that I can discuss them in therapy and hopefully help with recovery. Because I was abused at a very young age, I have sensory flashbacks rather than verbal memories, and those are what I am trying to process. I'm not sure about every detail of what happened. I can't be certain that every one of his bodily positions is accurate, but hopefully that won't stop progress with this.

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I'm not sure what age I am, but he's massive compared with me. His hand seems to take up my whole abdomen. I can feel something against my back. I'm not sure if what I can feel against my back is him or the floor, but I can definitely feel his hand on my tummy. I really have to pee, but I'm too scared to say. he holds onto my left wrist to stop me moving. Its dark in here and all the feelings in my body are too much to understand, I can smell him it's dirty and sweaty but I don't understand what he is doing. He's touching my genitals and my insides feel a bit like they're on fire, everything pushing. Like I'm exercising but a muscle inside me, getting tight then letting go, and I don't understand what that is. instead of just touching the outside he moves his finger inside.

He's still holding my wrist, pushing it down onto my abdomen holding me totally still. It's pushing my pee and with his fingers inside me as well feels like I'm a ball full of pee just being squeezed. He doesn't seem to realise that. I should tell him but I'm too embarrassed. I'm meant to be a big girl and I don't think I can keep control but I know I'm meant to. I'm so scared what happens if pee comes out on him and then he pushes up further and down further and all the muscles I've been trying so hard to keep tight just explode in pain and pressure, I cant keep it inside me anymore. I can feel all the warmth of urine on my skin and it suddenly feels better for a moment until I remember and fight back for control again, tense again. I've urinated and the damage is done. Sometimes flashback stops there. Sometimes it repeats. Sometimes the moment of pissing myself never happens, but the feeling that it is about to is the scariest thing.

The feeling of coming around from a flashback in damp underwear and knowing that I was once lying in my own piss makes me feel so ashamed and dirty. I want control over my body and he pushed it too hard and took that away from me, and therapy is meant to be how I get that control back. It's so f*cking hard but maybe writing it will make it easier to say it.

 

[katelynmarie]

I tried to do the same things I cut myself so bad that I had to start cutting my legs cause I ran out of room on my arms. I'm currently getting treatment for anorectic. I pissed on my abuser to so don't feel bad. at least you can write it, it should help.

 

[kahlan]

Sometimes writing it in for example the relative anonymity of the forum here can help you start taking back control of it. Stuffing it down and hiding it gives it the power. Revealing it to daylight on your terms you start taking that power back.

You've been through a lot and you didn't do anything wrong. What your body is doing I'm sure in time with work you can learn to control that as well.

 

[katelynmarie]

I agree

 

[Cwolf220]

I don't remember much from when I was little but can identify w your story. Mine was my father. I was always the bad kid who was a screwup despite what I did. Doing CPT w a wonderful therapist, trying to talk through the nightmares and constant fear. Used drinking to let go for a long time. Finally confronted him and told him I wasn't afraid of him anymore. He backed down. Therapist says its kind of like a bully tactic until they realize they aren't in charge anymore. I'm so empathetic and sad, but think talking is a great way to begin some recovery. Take care.

 

[Cwolf220]

Kahlan- thanks. Am just so sick of feeling alone, my Mom and brother don't believe me- I'm just a drunk making stuff up. Nice to know there is someone in the world who can commiserate. I'm not great at navigating this site yet but trying.

Hate the nights, my PTSD from everything gets bad. Keeping weapons by my bed bc so hyper vigilant. Even w a dog don't want to take anything for sleep, a lot of nts I wait for the sun to rise so I can sleep for a few minutes.

Exhausted by life. Not suicidal or anything, just tired. I believe in karma and always thought if I lived my life properly and worked hard I'd achieve anything. Am doing okay, but as my therapist likes to say- things in my past caused life to slow down or just be on hold for a minute, and I'll catch up.

 

[dylasd]

Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate everyone being so supportive.

This post is not about the original abuse but an experience I had a few years ago. This was the point where my PTSD started to escalate.

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I am on a week long school trip to Greece. 18 so of legal drinking age both in my country and in Greece, and I have a glass of red wine from the hotel bar. My friend and I both get one. The guy behind the bar pours our drink from a different bottle than he has just used to pour somebody else's, but we assume that there are just a couple of different wines on offer and we didn't specify which we wanted.

We go back over to where our teachers are sitting, and a group of us start playing cards. The wine feels like it's going to my head a lot faster than normal. I've been drinking socially and at family events since I was a kid [it's acceptable and legal over here, for the info of people in the US]; I know what a glass of wine normally feels like. This is different, my head is spinning. It's starting to feel like nothing around me is real. I don't understand how I can be getting drunk so quickly.

I have to pee so go up to our hotel room. I'm feeling a bit unsteady on my feet but manage to get up the stairs. After I pee I get up, I feel like I need to lie down but when I try to open the door my hands don't seem to work properly. The lock isn't turning. I put the lid down on the seat and fall back onto it. My head is spinning so I put it down on the side of the sink. It feels like I'm flying and I start to wonder if I could be an eagle. I can see the whole world underneath me and it feels like air is rushing past me.

I don't understand what's happening, though, and it's terrifying. I can't breathe properly, and I don't know if I'm human or a bird. My vision has gone completely; everything is black. I'm trapped and I can't escape. I'm not in control of my body.

The next thing I remember is my teacher and friend coming into the bathroom. I am lying on the floor hysterical and sobbing. They manage to get me up and into the hotel room. I'm so nauseous and can't sit up because I feel like I'm going to vomit. I'm completely dissociated and they keep asking what happened but I can't talk. My body is having the same sexual arousal (vaginal lubrication) response that it has in flashbacks, and my reaction to what happened is just like after flashbacks. The position I was lying in is just like the position in which flashbacks often happen and in which some of my abuse occurred.

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The friend who drank the same wine as me came into the room a minute later and started vomiting. It lasted for several hours and the next day we both felt disorientated, nauseous and generally really unwell. I have since then had a couple more experiences of what were certainly flashbacks (I've been in company and they've said I act exactly the same as I do in flashbacks - whimpering, occasionally saying "stop," "no," etc.). The fact that I felt exactly the same afterwards as I do after flashbacks makes me think that this was one, but it was weirder because it was mixed with some hallucination and more extreme dissociation than is normal for me. I think, and I could be wrong, that there was something in the wine that my friend and I were given (possibly ketamine). I had drunk that much plenty of times before and not had that reaction, and the same was true for her.

I believe that my drink was spiked, which caused symptoms of extreme dissociation and loss of bodily control, and this combined with the feeling of being trapped in an enclosed space triggered what was my first real flashback. I can't be sure what happened that night, but it seems like too much of a coincidence for us *both* to have such strong reactions to one glass of wine. I'm really f*cking glad that after getting our drinks we went back to where our teachers were sat, because the person who served them to us probably didn't realise we were there on a school trip and thought it would be easier to get us on our own. Although this isn't a post about the actual traumatic event which happened to me, I think that this event was the trigger to my PTSD becoming a lot more severe. Before this point I had hypervigilance and other symptoms, but this was the onset of flashbacks and they are without a doubt the most distressing part of PTSD for me.

 

[bell]

I've been self-harm free for 6 months I'm trying to take my body back in a different way

First of all, congratulations! That is awesome!!! Although I haven't self harmed in a major way in about 15 years, I still find myself doing little things, and it can be so hard to stop. It's like something inside doesn't want your body to enjoy itself and is always punishing you instead. Grrr. And hurray for you for taking your body back, that's something that I'm working on also, and that, too, is not easy. So, congrats for taking the first steps.

I want the flashbacks to stop, I want my past to be the past, not the present.

Sadly, I know all too well what you mean by this. My brain shuts off sometimes and my body just reacts and it's so confusing and horrible and makes me feel so pathetic. If you feel any of the same things, please be gentle with yourself. (Which I know is much easier said than done!)

For me, too, when I was assaulted at 18, my PTSD (which I didn't know I had) ramped up to crazy new heights, even though I've had it since I was a kid. (I was just diagnosed last year, at age 37.) So, you're right, things that happen later can cause things to go haywire thanks to things that happened earlier.

I don't have any real words of wisdom other than take time to do a body scan and see how your body is feeling on a regular basis. Figuring out where I hold stress, tension, joy, etc., has been incredibly helpful for me as I fight for my body to be my own again. I can also say that you're not alone in this battle. (And it is a battle!)

 

[Flyaway]

I've been discussing your topic with a good friend of mine this week... We found a couple of websites we're hoping will help our journey to learn to love our bodies after sexual abuse:

http://stophatingyourbody.tumblr.com/navigation

http://www.beliefnet.com/Inspiration/Galleries/31-Days-of-Self-Love.aspx?p=2

It's been 7 years since I last cut. I want this for you too! We've been hurt ENOUGH, we don't deserve to live a second more of our lives re-experiencing that pain.

 

[Cwolf220]

Does anyone have opinions etc on self-harm starting later on? I recently started cutting and find I really liked how it made me feel. Haven't been abused in a long time but getting into therapy issues that are really difficult. Makes me feel like I have control and I don't understand it. Sorry if this is too much in a post. Also not eating, can go for upwards of two three weeks w no solid food. Never had an eating disorder. Just no appetite or care for food, prefer feeling of hunger. I don't know. I guess I sound crazy.

 

[dylasd]

@Flyaway - thanks for the links - I really like the first one! Congrats on going for 7 years, that's really, really awesome.

@bell - just wanted to say thanks for the response. I've had a couple of minor self harm incidents in the past 6 months that I'm not counting, because it's really isolated and more me lashing out at myself in the stress of a moment (i.e. burning with a cigarette lighter after receiving some really horrible news) rather than the more ritualised cutting that I used to do. I think that going 15 years without doing any major SH is awesome, even if there have been some isolated incidents of other stuff in that time, so well done to you as well.

@Cwolf220 - my SH kind of started later on.. I wasn't abused after the age of 6/7, and I didn't start cutting myself until I was 11. It's been things after the actual abuse that I've always found triggered the strongest emotions. Like when I was 11, developing breasts and starting my periods were really unbearable and led to SH behaviour to cope. A while after that point I lost a lot of weight (was severely underweight) and pretty much reversed puberty. When I was 14 I gained the weight back and became normal weight or just slightly underweight and my breasts and periods came back, and that triggered SH to get a lot more extreme. Going through therapy at first also triggered SH behaviour to get a lot worse (in particular, before I told my therapist that I had been sexually abused). Opening up more and being honest, particularly about stuff like arousal during abuse, which had previously been one of the things that I felt the need to punish myself more, was I think part of what eventually let me quit SHing.

You don't sound crazy to me.. you sound like someone responding to a totally horrible situation that nobody should have to experience. I hope that if you continue with therapy and exploring your experiences you will begin to accept that you don't need to hurt your body for control, and that these things will improve for you.

 

[Seasounds]

I'd add:
Therapeutic Touch, because the gentle touch:

• invites a person to associate to their body.
• gives a non-threatening, soothing experience of being in a body.
• works with where a person they are, not where they are 'suppose' to be.
• assists with overall mindbody integration.