Sexual Assault Reclaiming My Sexuality After Abuse- Help?

[Belle Reve]

Hi, I'm Reve.
I'm 24 years old and a college student. I'm new to the site- I've only posted once before. I kind of feel like I don't belong here even though everyone here is so kind and welcoming, but because I have this stupid feeling that my suffering/PTSD is somehow "not as bad" as others- scared that maybe I'm overreacting to my trauma and insulting the real sufferers/survivors. But I guess that isn't true- no, I know that's not true because my pain is just as valid as anyone else's- and your pain is just as valid as mine. (And besides, I don't look down on someone or think "Well, they haven't suffered as much as me! Humph!")

Anyway, I've been in and out of therapy since I was 13 and experienced my first depressive episode- plus I kind of get 24/7 therapy since my parents are psychologists, but only in the last year have I been doing more productive therapy. It's dug up a lot of pain, trauma, anger, and fear that I boxed away back in 2007 when I was molested by my high school teacher all during the school year. (We'll call this specific teacher "Hoffman".) I was 17 and eventually he attacked me after class when I was in the bathroom. He said he was going to rape me. He said he was going to snap my neck and leave my body on the bathroom floor "where I belonged". He molested me more violently than he ever had before, but in the process of raping me, a student walked into the bathroom and that was how I managed to escape alive.

"Hoffman" had had me pinned against the sink so I couldn't move or kick or hit him. But when that girl opened the bathroom door, he froze and drew back. I took the opportunity and ran like hell. But I didn't report the many molestations and the sexual assault until a few months later.

I don't like talking about it, I feel like I could accidentally trigger other survivors to have horrible flashbacks that happen to me too. Or that people will look down on me as disgusting.

(God saved me from my assailant- I escaped, and there was no penis-penetration. When I reported all the abuse to the dean, she said "It wasn't really rape. You weren't raped." Then she reprimanded me for how I dressed.

I'm a f%#&ing Mormon/LDS girl, I'm not skipping around in pasties and a thong- but even if I was, it doesn't give him any right to molest and assault me.

I guess though that's why I worry I don't belong here- "because I wasn't really raped".)

Anyway, the point of my topic is this:
I've been getting some great work done with my therapist. He started doing EMDR with me which is easily the most difficult/painful therapy I've ever experienced, but it helps somehow.

In our last session, I told my therapist (let's call him "Klaus") something huge that I thought I'd never have the courage to talk to him about (because he's a man and he kind of resembles my assailant: chubby, middle-aged, and balding). I love Klaus to death, he is a terrific therapist, a kind, sensitive guy with an open mind and he gives such great support. I feel so badly that when I look at him all I see is my assailant's shadow.

But back to the previous session: I finally brought up something that's been a huge weight on my shoulders ever since the abuse I survived.

I talked about my sexuality and how I am trying to reclaim it.

I told "Klaus" about the more major obstacle in my way- and I'd never told it to anyone before ever.
"Hoffman" used his penis as a weapon, a constant weapon that terrified me. So, obviously I have a problem with that part of the body: I have trouble seeing a penis for what it is, a body part- a beautiful body part that expresses love, arousal, and can create life. I'm fighting the old thought that a penis is a weapon. It breaks my heart because I know that thought isn't true- just twisted crap that comes from Hoffman's poison and abuse. I was raised with all brothers, I know the majority of men are so sweet, kind, and protective.

I myself am a virgin, but that doesn't mean I don't exercise my sexuality (via romance novels, writing private erotica, etc), I mean everyone has that drive. I'm sick of how this fear has affected my sexuality- like Hoffman's keeping my sexuality captive and I won't let him have any kind of "control" in my life anymore.

My chosen lifestyle is to remain a virgin until I am married, and the last thing I want is for this fear of the male sex organ to affect my sex life with my husband. I'm sick of it affecting my personal exercises of my sexuality. And I want to be able to sit on the train, or in the doctor's office, or even just sitting with Klaus during sessions without remembering these men have penises and then getting scared. It's not fair to men and it's not fair to me.

So...I'm working on reclaiming my sexuality. Since my last session with Klaus when I finally brought this up, we talked and then did EMDR about how I associate penises with fear. It was hard, I'd never gone that deep and that personal- I talked about certain abuses from Hoffman that I'd never told anyone before.

And since then, I got to be honest, I feel like I'm breaking down. Klaus notified me that since we did dig up some deep stuff (especially with the EMDR) that my brain would be processing it all for a few days so my anxiety, PTSD, and stuff may kind of flare up.

Well he was definitely right. I can't sleep, I'm kind of too scared to go out, and randomly pain from the abuse I suffered will tackle me and I don't know what to do with it. I guess I just need to sit with the emotion and let it pass, but it hurts.

I guess I just- I just need to talk about it. I'm sick of being scared. I'm so scared for no reason and I'm so sick of it. I have always enjoyed my sexuality- and I won't let my abuser taint that.

If- um, if anyone out there has experienced a similar fear or something, I'd appreciate some advice or just hearing that I'm um not alone. The past week has been hellish with anxiety and PTSD and even my OCD acting up too. I don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks for reading, I think I may have just needed to also talk about it. I don't know. I'm sorry if the post was upsetting, I don't want to trigger/upset anyone.

 

[In Exile]

Hi Belle,

I grew up as a Mormon, in a really screwed up Mormon family. My father molested my two sisters and my older brother raped both me, my younger brother and some other kids. The only time my father ever talked to me about the birds and the bees was when he was describing, in great deal, how he had molested my sisters. I was 12 at the time.

Unfortunately, the Mormon church has some really screwed up ideas of sexuality. It's really sick.

I think it's great that you are working on it. This is really hard stuff. Whenever I get deep into issues, my PTSD flares up again. It always seems like I'm going one step forward and two back, but in reality, I see that i really am making progress.

Mormon often women have it particularly bad because of the misogynistic teachings. The church president when I was young, Spencer Kimball, even taught that women would be better off dead than allowing a rape. Crazy stuff.

Your issues aren't any lighter than anyone else. We all have our own issues, and it took me a long time to learn how to let go of trying to compare.

You're doing well. Expect things to be tough for a while. Be really open with your therapist.

Please keep us updated. We're pulling for you.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm not sure what best to say, but you are not alone.

For me, I think...comparing traumas was part of me minimizing what happened (which is what everyone around me did to me and I internalized it). It's not the "penetration" that does the psychological damage.

Hope that helps somehow.

 

[CheeryFetchling]

Well done for starting to work through it. You're right; it's really hard.

There are lovely people out there who will cherish you for who you are and give you the space / support you need. It will take time but you've already started. Congratulate yourself for that.

 

[RussH]

Hi Reve, regardless of how much, or little you have been traumatized; you have still been traumatized, and as such you do belong here. Please do not deny yourself the support you will receive here by trivializing your trauma. If you are hurt, then you are hurt.

So please feel free to be a part of the forum, and know that you belong here.

 

[joeylittle]

@Belle Reve , I can identify with what you are saying. For a number of years after my assault I actually could not look into the eyes of men or look below their waistline. I got very good at simply seeing torsos everywhere. I then reacted very hard in the other direction and started having sex constantly and cavalierly. That didn't work either. I can honestly say that it's only within the last five years that I've been able to be comfortable thinking of myself as a sexual being.

Keep doing the hard work in therapy, as you are. Be gentle with yourself after EMDR sessions - that feeling of being taken apart and not quite put back together is very normal in trauma work. You can and will get through this. Just worry about one day at a time.

 

[Barberian]

Hi Belle,

I grew up as a Mormon, in a really screwed up Mormon family.

Please do not group the entire church in this statement. Yes there are some really screwed up Mormons, usually in the sub-sects that have broken off of the main church and are no longer considered a part of it. Look at any church and you will find messed up people. There are also a lot of really nice people in the church. I have not met any, to my knowledge, like you describe. The people in the church I've met would fit in with any mild mannered church. Sometimes I'm tempted to check for a pulse, they are so quiet. The women, while also mild mannered, do have a say in the family matters, just like you would find anywhere else. If the man ignores the woman and her happiness, he is doomed to suffer an unhappy marriage and home life. The different wards I've been in over the years have preached family harmony, not dominance.

This is the only post I will make about this as I do not want to take this thread off topic, nor debate the merits/demerits of the church. I could not leave such a scathing post left without explaining what I've seen in the church through personal experience.

 

[The Albatross]

I interpret physical penetration and an erect penis as violation and intrusion based on my sexual traumas. It has been difficult and I have not yet been able to restore a sense of safety in that area. It doesn't mean I can't be successful... it just means I have to work it through somehow.

You're pretty frank and candid, but the impact to you and your sexuality is the same. Go easy on yourself.

 

[racheldiane]

I've definitely felt the same way since my rape. You are not alone <3
I have yet to reclaim my sexuality. I used to masturbate a lot and write erotica, but since the rape all of that has changed. Most of the time, even when I try to masturbate it will feel good for about 20 seconds and then I will have an episode. Before the rape, I struggled with anorexia nervosa (I have been recovered for 3+ years now) and I worked so so hard to get to the point where I was comfortable inside of myself . . . When I was recovered and before the rape was when I was at my happiest. I hate that my rapists have taken that comfortable feeling away from me. I just do not feel 'home' inside of my body any more. When my episodes wane down, I start to feel safe inside of my body again, and sometimes I can feel sexual feelings without feeling threatened by them. But I haven't even gotten close to feeling sexually comfortable about men or penises again. I identify as lesbian now, (before the rape, I was bisexual with a strong preference for women) and I am both worried and relieved by the thought that I may never have sexual feelings towards men again. I wouldn't mind if I never regained my ability to see men sexually or sensually, I just wish I was still able to feel comfortable with my own sexuality. It's stupid, because masturbation could be such an empowering way to express my sexuality while still feeling safe . . . it's just, not. :(
I know that things can get better. It is just so hard, and I am very proud of you for working on it. Know you're not alone.

 

[RussH]

@Belle Reve I is easy for us to trivialize our trauma. I was bullied over a period of time. So, if I chose to compare my trauma, to others here on the forum, I would fall sadly short in a contest of traumas. This is one of the reasons we do not compare traumas here.

The fact that you have been traumatized is enough to cause you to have PTSD, and that makes you an equal to all who are here.
The focus of the members here is to not judge or trivialize your trauma, or your symptoms, but to offer support, and suggestions on how to cope with PTSD.
Your presence here is valued, and appreciated. Please know you have the same freedom as everyone else to post, and respond to post, and I hope you will exercise that freedom.

 

[Megt2008]

I understand. I was in a sexually abusive relationship among other abuse and my view of my sexuality isn't good. I can't be near strange men without panicking, I can't even visit my male friend who is also my neighbor and he lives with his mom. It has to be outside where other people are around and he isn't even threatening. I'm not sure I can be in another relationship. I wasn't going to have sex til I was married but that changed, not by choice. Some people say it was sexual abuse, others that I was sexually assaulted repeatedly which ever it screwed up my views of sex and sexuality. My therapist said my eating disorder is from trauma. It started with my mom but got out of control after this. I just got "The PTSD Workbook" to work on with my therapist. I've been told its good. We'll see...keep your head up and keep up the hard work! :)

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Hello @Belle Reve , you very much belong here and are welcomed. What I love about this sight, there is no judgement, only encouragement. I was raped when I was 19, both the act and the violence traumatized me. I felt my life was over, no man would evet want me and I wish he had killed me, because I couldn't live with the mental anguish. I literally begged God to take me home. It's been 20 years last April. I married a wonderful man who is understanding, loving and patient. I still have some intimacy issues but am able to have sex and enjoy it, having trust in my partner.

Rape is about power and control but it screws up your self worth and trust big time, no matter if it was attempted. You were violated and by someone you should have been able to trust, I'm so sorry. You are not disgusting, you did absolutely nothing wrong and your feelings are completely valid. You survived your attack and deserve to take your life back. It may take time, but you are going in the right direction. Be kind to yourself and know you are not alone.