Recovered Memory Vs. False Memory

[shimmerz]

I can understand @Muse, how we would both can go 'offline' while these things hit us. It is like I give up my senses, my whole body, because in order for the memory to process it needs to take over the body. And yes, there are no drugs that will stop it. Somewhat like the Hoover Dam. There was a time that I swear I was having thousands of flashbacks a day. They were relentless.

I did eventually get to the point where I made a conscious decision that I 'knew enough' and strangely that stopped my flashbacks. But it was a decision based on a feeling of 'okay my reactions are matching the craziness of my situation'. I understood enough to get on with healing. In the meanwhile there was self doubt, incredulation, shock, horror, hopelessness, the list goes on and on.

However, what I do know is that as unbelievable as the memories were at the time, once I started to be able to see how I had reacted to certain things all of my life, well, the puzzle pieces fit. I think we walk a fine line between figuring out what happened and saying 'okay', let's get moving now. There was a long time that I felt that the past was swallowing me up and dictating my actions in the present and robbing me of my future. Oh boy.....

It makes me sad that no matter how horrible the stories I hear, I don't disbelieve a one of them. There was a time that I wouldn't have, a time that I felt my life was pretty good. Perhaps I didn't want to see how life could be on the other side....the other side that I had been to and didn't even know was mine to process one day as well.

 

[Powder]

I totally agree, @shimmerz.

When my sister spoke about the shared traumas, it was like I couldn't connect anything she said to my history. She'd say "You were always attacking me while we were little. I remember you tried to drown me once."

My reaction to these comments, which were obviously confused but sincere, like a lot of traumatic memory, by this time (our early 30s) was to draw a total blank, knowing it was a hard childhood, and we both have mental health issues now, but I have no idea what she's referencing here.

Now that I have had the drowning flashbacks, and connected them to a continuous memory that haunted me my whole life about "the evening of" the drowning, what she said totally fits.

I can totally see how a 3 year old might have mistaken the one fighting the attacker and trying to hold onto her for the one actually drowning her. She may not have ever understood what was happening, as she was 20 months younger (3 at the time) and was asleep until the actual attack from our mom in the dark. She might not have ever had a clear visual on our mother, and only saw me in the car, and recorded that part.

Again, there is the fragments of memory, and then there is the need to look at the pieces of the puzzle to see how they fit together, but I doubt my sister will ever listen to me or remember it how I do. Nor will anyone ever see things in the exact same way.

Strangly, it's also validating to hear that she thought it was me, because at least she also believes it happened, so that I don't have to just wonder if PTSD is "making stuff up."

And everything I'm remembering fits tightly together, making complete sense in light of everything else. So that's good.

But, I haven't "had enough" yet. I'm still having to look at more in order to plumb to the bottom of the truth. Truth, in its darkness only reveals the light as even more bright. Given what I remember, I can no longer take for granted the healthy relationships I now have.

There is a balance to strike between what amount of time of the present is sacrificed in knowing, and what is lost of the self if I don't go through this and heal it, reach the point of moving on, at least for a while.

Thank you for reminding me that such a time could arrive. I hope so.

 

[greenleaf]

It is helpful to me to hear that other folks have memory issues of various sorts. I still have a long period of childhood that is under really thick fog, and sometimes have felt very scared about what is under there. However I am finding that some of the issue is that I felt in a totally isolated fog back then... so my cognitive interpretation has been off and I am starting to look at the memories a little more confidently I think. These are everyday memories of how I felt going to normal school and such, not traumatic per say but the emotions had felt overwhelming I think. I have currently little clue about what happened to cause those emotions/dissociation then but am thinking about the small clues I do have. Small things are popping out slowly. Are they all accurate? No clue but Google Maps shows that my spatial recollections of the school are accurate so far, which was helpful.

I really deeply loathe the FMS people and am quite convinced that many are abusers... Loftus is discredited but constantly quoted by jerks on the web elsewhere... Being around too many similar people kept me feeling too unsafe to talk to most people about my history for many years and is still an issue for me.

 

[ihateusernames]

Being around too many similar people kept me feeling too unsafe to talk to most people about my history for many years and is still an issue for me.

I think I see exactly what you're saying. This probably applies to most of us, but I was this way, too. I gave up talking about things pretty early and never felt like I had anybody to go to so I hid so much and assumed so much about people's potential (bad) reactions. So now I have nobody to corroborate much of anything, I hid even normal everyday stuff from everybody. It feels like I experienced many, many years in total isolation and even many of the things I do remember seem unreal, like they're in a haze.

 

[shimmerz]

many years in total isolation and even many of the things I do remember seem unreal, like they're in a haze.

I find for me that it is really easy to lose a sense of time when in isolation.

 

[Powder]

I find for me that it is really easy to lose a sense of time when in isolation.

Totally true for me, which is why sometimes I feel so out of control when alone, even with my dog present. I do believe that it's partly dissociative, if not all. Having others around helps keep me "present" in the timeline of life, but is also tiring.

I've also noticed lately how triggering it is for me, no matter how much I love and trust them, to be in a room with just two other people as it triggers some of my worst traumas that are still very dissociated that involved two perps. I'm aware of why I get "social anxiety" when there is just three of us, but I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to work on it when it's so "automatic" and wired.

Anyone have a similar issue? I'm fine in larger groups, even public speaking, and one-on-one (mostly) but when there is two others, I feel like I either go into panic/pretend I'm fine mode, or "overly Mary Poppins" "fawn" mode to try to cope. Obviously, the "fawn" mode was more easy as a teen and worked to my advantage, but I need to really work on what's making the fears come up. God it's like I have no clue where to even start! So frustrating!

 

[shimmerz]

to be in a room with just two other people as it triggers some of my worst traumas that are still very dissociated that involved two perps.

Jeez, I thought I was the only one. I have noticed this HUGE sensitivity big time over the past, say, 4 years. Have two people around me and it is like I simply cannot keep up. I lose a sense of myself, my thoughts, my everything. Add any type of aggression to the mix and you may well find me rocking behind the couch. This part of my PTSD is still active I believe. I do fawn quite well tbph. I think this is part of the reason that I isolate quite a bit these days.

 

[shimmerz]

This is something I found from Van der Kolk (David Baldwin's web site). It has to do with memories, how they can get confused etc. I hope it can be of value to some of you.

http://www.trauma-pages.com/a/vanderk2.php

 

[ccks]

I think the majority of victims who come forward with memories of abuse are telling the truth. Those who accuse victims of lying either don't understand how trauma can affect the psyche or they are out to cover the abuse because they condone it. I've had memories surface from different points in my life as a very young child before I was abused. They may only be flashes, but I know they are real. It upsets me when repressed memories are disregarded as lies because that silences those who need help and may be too afraid to come forward. If a person remembers anything that upsets them or makes them question things, they have a right as a human being to talk about it and get to the root of it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Its kind of like you're f*cked either way.

If you come out later in life with repressed memories, people tell you that they're fake.

If you come out later in life with NON-repressed memories, people tell you that you're making it up.


[after I first disclosed my abuse to my parents @age 28]

parent: did you just remember the abuse? I've heard about false repressed memories.
me: no, I've had complete memories of it since it happened.
parent: why didn't you ever tell anyone? why is this just now coming up?
me: I thought it was no big deal.
parent: *disbelief/silence*

Either way you've got something to prove.

 

[ramacita]

This is one of the best posts I've ever read, @Muse . Thank you for being so insightful and articulate.

 

[ramacita]

oops, apparently I wasn't supposed to quote the entire post. Well, it was all relevant, and besides, it appears collapsed, so i'm not sure what harm it does to quote it. But perhaps it's a data issue. I'm still learning my way around the rules here. I suspect it will take me a while.