Relationship Redlight Ticket....scared To Tell Him....

[Pretty Hurts]

i just retrieved a redlight ticket from the mailbox and i'm afraid to tell him about it. it's my car, but i know it's his ticket because of the date/time/location, i'm not mad about it....i know he will pay for it. i'm just scared to bring up another unexpected bill because he's isolating and shutting me out right now. it feels like he hates the sound of my voice and i'm afraid he'll be annoyed and defensive over who got the ticket. he may fuss at me and accuse me of being careless and costing him more money. i loathe pointing out the date/time/location to prove to him it was him only to have him be defensive and angry still.

he's expressed not being comfortable with me this morning and when i asked if he still wanted the relationship he said "i don't know what i want." so i left it alone....maybe i should not have even asked him that? i know going to school is alot for him, and the section he just started is particularly hard, he must just feel like he needs to block EVERYTHING out to concentrate. especially me.

he just left to go train at the gym an hour prior, yesterday he said we could go together....but today he said he thought about it and he'd rather go alone. he said it's the only place he can concentrate completely on himself, everywhere else he has to deal with other people's shit. (his exact words) OUCH :-( i feel like just being beside him breathing is bothersome to him, but i live here. where am i supposed to go? i just feel like i need to get a life or something, give him a mega dose of space while he focuses on school and training and stop talking to him completely. but the thought of 0 contact is very painful since we live together. i really don't have much money to play with as i'm only working part time right now while i tend to some health concerns. also, even though i get on his nerves previous events give me the sense that he still wants me near and or will be suspicious of me if i all of a sudden start going out....knowing i'm by nature a homebody. rock & hard place.

 

[Lucycat]

What is a red light ticket? Without that information the rest of your post makes no sense to me.

 

[Pretty Hurts]

it's a ticket fir running a red light at an intersection. he can be an inpatient driver at times. when you run the light, there is a camera that records you. the city sends you several time stamped pictures of the offense including a close up of your license plate. you can fight the ticket but generally it's a waste of time because they've basically caught you red handed. it's $100 and increases quickly if not paid on time.

 

[Justmehere]

If it is a red light photo ticket, there should be a picture of who was driving, not just the car.

 

[Cavegirl]

Maybe you don't have to tell him. Maybe you could leave it out on the table or coffee table for him to see and hide in the bedroom.

That's probably not helpful or healthy but it's what I'd be tempted to do.

 

[Lucycat]

it's a ticket fir running a red light at an intersection. he can be an inpatient driver at times. w...

Ok. What does running a red light mean?

 

[Kailani]

It has to be dealt with. I would try to wait til a time when he seems a bit more himself in the next couple of days. I'd keep it neutral so there is no blame. It happens. The mail came and there is a red light ticket. He may respond better than you think. Hang in there!!!! That's what I would do but it does not necessarily mean that's what you should do.

 

[Friday]

Something that works better for me than most of the other options available is telling me I have something that needs my attention, and is now a good time? &/or can we book a time for something maybe stressful?

That way I know there's something up, but if I'm edgy? I can opt out until I'm backed away from the edge... And regardless, I can plan my day to deal with something.

My mom noticed I tend to go to the gym before having any kind of serious talk... So she started ambushing me with BS when I got back from the gym. No bueno. I f*cking lost my shit. Not fair on her, but I'd just gone and bled my stress down to maaaaaaybe tolerable levels so I could do "normal" things for a few hours, and then I'm getting smacked upside the head with big-f*cking-deal-day-is-no-shutdown-dammit!!!! Really not fair on her, but she was only seeing one piece of what I needed to do in order to cope with stuff.

I've very specifically asked her, that unless it's an emergency (defined by ambulance or police, for real) not to surprise me with shit. Lemme know I've got something that needs my attention. Give me a timeframe (this week, over the next few days, etc.). Does she remember this? Eh. Maybe. Maybe not. Her definition of emergency = phone call, text, mail delivery. OMFG! I just found out about it! I've been contacted by someone! Now! Now! Now! Um. No. So there's a lot of disconnect in our relationship. More and more, though, she's been giving me warning & time frames.

For me that's beyond helpful. For others that might just equal more stress (anticipation / something looming).

Have you two spoken about how to best handle these sorts of problems? They do crop up on a fairly regular basis in long term relationships. So, if not, my suggestion would be to have that convo.

 

[Pretty Hurts]

If it is a red light photo ticket, there should be a picture of who was driving, not just the car.

@Justmehere unfortunately that's not how it works.

Maybe you don't have to tell him.

@Cavegirl honestly, i was tempted. i panicked a lil after i opened it and slid it in his notebook. thought better and removed it.

Ok. What does running a red light mean?

@Lucycat running a redlight at an intersection is a moving violation when driving. you are supposed to stop at a redlight so the traffic that is crossing in front of you can proceed, as the will have a greenlight at that time and be entitled to the right of way. if you don't stop when you have a redlight (and wait for it to turn green again, so you have the right of way) you risk causing a car accident. a car attempting to cross may hit you, because you did not wait your turn and they did not have enough time to slow down. or you may run into someone else's car too.

It has to be dealt with. I would try to wait til a time when he seems a bit more himself in the next couple of days.

@Kailani you're right, it does have to be dealt with. i was thinking i should give it a few days too. i'd rather he be in a better mood when i share this. i don't play the blame game, these things happen. i had a redlight ticket a few months ago. to me, it's not a big deal....but he tends to get defensive, he's a proud man. i just hope he doesn't realize i waited to tell him and then just be mad about that too. it's like telling him right away will set him off, waiting could set him off because "well why didn't you tell me sooner!!" can't win with this disorder lol honestly if i had the money, i'd just pay it and not bother discussing it.

@FridayJones thank you for your perspective. it is very helpful....i have tried setting times with him, but he's forgetful or seems generally disinterested and reminders seem to rub him the wrong way at times. i think it's pressure all the same to him. i try not to bring up anything important after he comes home from training, simple things like "wanna watch a movie?" have been bothersome depending on the day, so i just stick to meal plans or something lighthearted like something funny the cat did or stay quiet and leave him be.

i think i'll combine your and @Kailani advice. i'll wait a couple days, then alert him casually
there is something that needs his attention and just let him decide if or when he's up for it. i hope it doesn't equal more stress, like you described. the anticipation of something looming. if i catch him at the right time, i think he may just say "tell me now." and then just tell me to got get his bank card, go ahead and pay it.

and to answer your closing question, he doesnt communicate well at all, at least not to me. he's not being treated, so i don't think he's as self aware as many of the sufferers on this site. so is it fair to assume he wouldn't even begin to know what to tell me to do? other than "just leave me alone!" he's very tight lipped. i have asked him for feedback on a number of things, on average i may get feedback on 3 out of 10 things. he goes silent on me alot, gives very short answers and refuses to expound. it's cryptic for me at times...and he says i don't listen. if i go further he just tells me to leave him alone.

 

[scout86]

When he said he doesn't know what he wants, that was probably, literally, the truth. It's not a reflection on you, or the relationship, it's a reflection on where he's at right now. From the way it sounds, where he's at is probably someplace like :"Overwhelmed".

How do you usually handle the mail? When I was married, who ever picked it up at the box left what wasn't their's on the dining room table for it's owner to find. I guess that's what I'd do. Leave it where he can find it, no comment necessary. If he tried to blame it on you, ask what the date & time are. End of discussion. No need to add anything else.

He really sounds like he's in a bad place and needs outside, competent help. I can surely relate to that and how bad it feels. On the other hand, no one needs to live in a relationship where they are scared to hand over the mail. It might not be out of line to ask if he'd consider relationship counseling (with someone who knows something about PTSD). If he won't consider that, it might be a good time to ask him exactly how much space he wants and how do you both go about creating it. Unless you really don't mind living like this.

There ARE times when anything and everything are experienced as pressure, really there are. And how much capacity someone has to handle that kind of depends on the individual and the situation. Even so, if the relationship is important to him, he needs to work on his OWN shit, but not just at the gym.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Blech... I'd just pay the ticket and let it go if he's having a rough time. Sounds like a potential battle and/or meltdown not worth the battle if he's not doing well at the moment. You know it's him, he probably does too... You know when you get nailed by one of those red light cameras because of the flash.

I'd pay it ONCE.

If he did it again, I wouldn't be so nice.

 

[Lucycat]

running a redlight at an intersection is a moving violation when driving. you are supposed to stop at a redlight so the traffic that is crossing in front of you can proceed,

Thank you for your very helpful explanation. I wonder how 'failing to stop' has become 'running'? Just words I know and differences in interpretation of the English language. Would you use the term in other situations - for example is it an offense to be running a pedestrian crossing?