Regression -- I Keep Wishing It Never Happened

[InsideAWord]

I'm at a point where my trauma could affect my career. So, not only are my symptoms seemingly returning, but the people responsible for my trauma still have indirect control over the one purpose I have in my life and there's nothing I can do about it. I've had some very bad flashbacks today -- one in which I almost felt like I was reliving the event. I could smell everything.

My chest is still tight and there's a heaviness in my stomach. I feel completely confused as to what to do. I keep trying to think of things to make me feel better, but I know it won't help.

I can't sleep again. I have no appetite again. I feel stuck.

 

[open eyes]

"You are not responsible for being down, but you are responsible for getting back up."

This quote was shared with me by an old inpatient therapist in regards to my inability to segregate myself from my traumas. The first time I heard it, I was angry. I wanted to be able to point my finger at the people who had abused me and say, it's you're fault I'm like this. But that isn't true. I had to learn that it was on me and only me to recover. No one else could do it for me.

After I took responsibility for my own feelings I had a much cleaner recovery. Not knowing your situation, I'm not sure how well this will apply- but you have to know that only you can fix it, & blaming other people for your own emotions will get you no where.

 

[franciemarnie]

I don't know if this would work for you, but it helps me often.

If your survival brain understands you to be trapped, whether triggered from the past and/or your very real situation going on with the people responsible for your trauma, it may help to show your survival brain you are not physically trapped - by walking - in your room if necessary given the hour - and watching your feet as you do it.

A trauma T advised my step-granddaughter to do this and she told me.

As for your real-time situation of being sort of trapped, I don't know what to say. But maybe this walking and watching (you must watch your feet as you walk) could weaken the power of the feelings you are having. I hope so.

 

[NovemberStar]

I very much relate to intense stress due to work and not being able to work. It's no wonder your PTSD is more intense right now - stress will do that! And obviously, not being able to work, or feeling your ability to be able to work might soon be taken from you, it is very very understandable you are feeling more anxious / more symptoms right now.

I had a similar thing happen to me end of last year. Been struggling very bad with PTSD symptoms since July. Relapsed into my eating disorder severely in October. By December I had lost a quarter of my total body weight, and a Dr I had never met before, contacted my professional body (I'm a health professional) and did a formal notification, resulting in instant loss of my ability to practice. It's take three whole months to get back to work - even though I was fully able to work again for the past 6 weeks (weight fully restored). (Don't get me started on the notification, the way it was done might be legal but it was INCREDIBLY unethical and done with no compassion whatsoever ;( ).

All it did was add incredible financial pressure - I might still lose my house in a few months. I had a full caseload and due to being off for so long, I have had an 80% reduction in income for the next several months. Not to mention huge loss of self esteem, fear, paranoia, humiliation, 'everyone knowing' I had lost my ability to work due to mental health issues.

It was no surprise then, my PTSD symptoms got a LOT worse with all the additional pressure. I've only been back at work a few days, and whenever I find myself thinking 'I need to stay well, I cannot afford to take ANY time off or I will lose my house', I of course, get more intense anxiety - and more PTSD symptoms.

The only thing that helped in anyway during this time, was having a T who trusted me, believed in me, and let me rant and vent and talk about HOW UNFAIR it all was. She believed in my ability to get back to work, when I certainly did not.

My going back to work depended on the very group of doctors who had behind my back, spent 3 weeks planing to do a notification to my professional body, without ever mentioning they had ANY concern. The sense of betrayal and broken trust was intense - not to mention my utter disrespect and ANGER at them for 'doing it to me' (the way they did). For the past 2 months I have had to 'act as if' I trusted them, all the while panning on discharging myself the minute I was able to return to work. I have since changed providers (at great cost to me), and am finally feeling a degree of 'control over my life' again.

So I do understand the utter powerlessness of the situation you're in at the moment.

Another thing that helped me was to try (very very hard) to focus on 'what I CAN do' - and pretty much 'turn a blind eye' to what I had not control over. I had no control over if or when I was allowed to return to work - but I did have control over doing all I could to get well - or at least well ENOUGH - to return to work.

Whenever I feared 'I will lose my house!' I held onto what my friend said to me when it all first happened 'You're not losing your house THIS week'. I still need to tell myself that - and it does help.

I wish I had better advice or suggestions, but I don't - I do hope you have a T you trust, someone to talk to about what is happening - and that hardest thing of all - don't let the anxiety take over you completely - you fear not being able to work soon - but for NOW, if you are working, that is a positive. Try as much as you can, to let future fears stay in the future - many of them don't end up happening anyway.

As for fear you won't be able to work - yes, a very genuine fear - but can you see, the fear will only feed the PTSD symptoms and then if they do get worse, it almost becomes a self- fulfilling prophecy ;(

 

[arfie]

When I find myself lost in a Wish Ditch, I work on simple acceptance. It happened. It is what it is. No amount of wishing or repression is going to change it.

An exercise which has helped me with this is to create a drawing as ugly as the whatever that has ground me into my Wish Ditch. I then hang that ugly drawing on my wall and leave it there until I am able to walk past it without flinching. It is there. It is ugly as sin. It has only the power over me which I give it.

but that is me... Supportive hugs while you figure out what it is for you.