Regret and Guilt: My Troubled Relationship with My Little Sister

[Rorster93]

My neglectful parent (father) has apologised genuinely for his short comings, is willing to talk to me about my childhood whenever I want to, has explained the circumstances to me as well as he could and has expressed that of course he'd wished he done better. That stuff really means the world to me. Because I know no one's perfect. And he did get a lot of stuff right, even if he also got a lot of stuff wrong.

This almost made me choke up. All I want is for my mother to apologize like this and I would be willing to give her the world despite what she did to me and my brother. But, of course, that will never happen.

 

[Sunshine2018]

I had a very dysfunctional childhood. My dad died by suicide when I was 7 and my younger sister was 4. My mom became addicted to gambling and later had another child when I was 17, and was a single parent to all of us kids. My teen years were rough and my relationship with my sister was rough and I basically did to my sister whatever my mom did to me, and it was all a reaction to poverty, anger & stress, and was so awful. I moved out at 17, and my relationship with my sister has not been and won’t ever be healthy. I apologized to my sister about 5 years ago, but it didn’t seem to help much since our relationship is seriously damaged. I think we need therapy together. I have gone to therapy myself, but my sister hasn’t. Anyways, what I really wanted to say was neither my mom or my sister didn’t ever apologize to me for the things they did. I stay in touch with both of them but both relationships still feel so unhealthy. I mostly focus on my own family now and spend time with people who can accept my love and that will love me back. It’s been 42 years since I said and did mean things to my sister and don’t want to spend anymore time punishing myself or trying to make amends when it feels so one sided. She just called me and I missed her call but quickly called her back, only for her to say it was an accident. I ignored that and asked how she was and how her kids were doing since I had her on the phone, and she talked a long time without asking how I was doing or how my kids are doing. That’s what our relationship is like. Anyways, I don’t share how I feel since I just don’t think our relationship is healthy enough to share such things, and I think she doesn’t care.

 

[Muttly]

So, I was the younger sibling. Some of what you described, my brother did to me. I always understood, that he was abusing me because of the abuse/etc we lived with. He did apologize to me once. He might have even be sober, after all this time, I don't remember. I do remember the apology was sincere, and it mattered.

i think if you want to apologize, and you are concerned you might trigger her, you could write it out. What you've written here is a good start. Even if you don't share it, it could be therapeutic to you. If you do share it, you can let her know that you have written an apology about your past relationship and she can read it or not. I think that's a key part of it. You can't control or dictate her response.

With my brother, I don't hate him and have forgiven him for what he did when we were kids. Having said that, I have cut contact with him, because his expecations for me and our relationship are not healthy for me. For example, in our adult relationship, I heard over and over, that I was selfish because I didn't maintain enough contact for him.

I feel like killing myself will do her a favor as her previous abuser would be gone forever.

No. That's not how that works. All that would do is leave her with more complex feelings to process. Instead of bring resolution it would mean that some things could never be resolved.

. The guilt eats at me every day and I am unsure how long I can live like this

I'm not saying that you should have no guilt, but I am wondering if there are other things underlying this guilt?

 

[Sad sister]

I can relate, on both ends of being a sister. I was the younger sister. It’s a vicious cycle that only ends when one reaches out. If she read this post, I’m sure she would understand and it would make your relationship better. I just lost my sister a couple of months ago and I finally told her I was sorry. I thought we had more time, that we would grow old together. But.. I waited too long. I didn’t even have the courage to tell her when she was sick, only when I knew I was losing her. I’m sure your sister longs for a relationship with you too. Take the leap. Go first.