Relationship Ended After She Started Prolonged Exposure Therapy

[JayElle]

First off, I’d like to thank the people who have posted in the forums because anytime I feel really down I come on here to read and relate to many of you. I’ll try to be brief with my story:

I was dating a woman from my hometown who developed PTSD while we were in a long-distance relationship. We dated for 6 months when she experienced a terrible sexual assault incident at her university. During the first year after the incident, we did our best to see each other often as we were 800 miles away from one other due to school. Unfortunately, her local support (family and friends) were non-existent, which made it difficult on our relationship. I encouraged her to reach out to them, but her local support just wasn’t there.

It has been a year and a half since the sexual assault incident and two years since we began dating. About four months ago, she was formally diagnosed with PTSD and entered prolonged exposure treatment immediately after we discussed the benefits of the treatment. Since then, she completed the treatment and it seems like she’s recovering successfully. Unfortunately, she pushed me away and asked for space three weeks after starting the three month long treatment. I know very little about her struggle during treatment because I respected her request for space during this time. I periodically checked in to make sure she was okay when I didn’t hear from her. It also didn’t help that we were both trying to graduate from rigorous majors during this time.

We both recently graduated from college and as of three weeks I’m living near my hometown and near her. Family is important to me so it was an easy decision to come closer to them. This isn’t to say that she wasn’t an influence. Prior to her entering treatment, we discussed having children and living together one day. I often told her that she was the love of my life and she told me the same as well. Last summer (6 months after the incident) we lived together and it was a positive experience, which confirmed our idea of being together after graduation. I have yet to fully let go of this notion.

As of the last three weeks I am geographically closer, but I feel so out of touch about her life and her progress- this is extremely painful on me. Grieving over our imagined future has been really hard on me, but I try to remain strong. After her treatment, I’ve only seen her twice – six weeks ago right before her graduation and last week for a quick (camp gear) exchange. The two interactions were a stark contrast from one another – when I saw her before her graduation we shared a beautiful moment together (cuddled and even kissed), but last week’s interaction was emotionless.

At the moment, I am not looking for another partner or looking to date around because I am convinced I found my life-long partner, but as you can see I am starting to lose hope. Currently, I am just working on building my career and being a good family member and friend. Advice or words of wisdom will be very much appreciated as I am doing my best to remain strong.

 

[Friday]

- 4 months post diagnosis is almost no time whatsoever.

- Honestly, a year an a half is barely any time post trauma.

- PTSD is lifelong & cyclic

- People typically get worse during the beginning of therapy (and yes, 4mo is still at the beginning), before they get better.

- Better doesn't mean "better" as in a broken bone is all better now, but more like asthma or any other chronic thing where even if you're doing everything right, your lugs will periodically seize up, and catching a cold turns into pneumonia... But it's still a gazillion times better than before you had an inhaler, and knew to avoid pollen & sudden changes in air temperature, and knew to do exercises to keep your lungs strong. Even if you still need a rescue inhaler, and even if you can count on ending up in the ER over cold & flu season... You're only in the ER a few times a year, or every few years, instead of almost daily. That kind of better.
.

 

[JayElle]

Thank you @FridayJones for explaining PTSD recovery by providing a very comprehensive analogy.

I understand that 4 mo post diagnosis/therapy is almost no time whatsoever. In the meantime we are maintaining distant, yet consistent communication. We communicate about once, maybe twice, a week via a text or chat message(s). I am not pushy and most of the time I wait for her to contact me to initiate any conversation.

I often ask myself:

What is the recommended way to communicate/reach out to someone who is in their initial phases of recovery?

Maybe you or someone else can provide some insight. Thanks again!

 

[Friday]

What is the recommended way to communicate/reach out to someone who is in their initial phases of recovery?

You know... That's a really good question. Fair warning, questions mid thread can often get missed. If you don't get a lot of traction with it, I'd suggest starting a new thread titled that! :)

There's going to be a lot of variation due to personality, history, etc. The best way to "reach" me, might well be the worst way to attempt to reach someone else. Removing as much of that as I can, what I understand to date that are some of the best ways to communicate with sufferers when we're all symptomatic (not just early stages, but whenever symptoms start running hot) :

- Short, direct, to the point. Traumatized brains can only process so much information at a time. You'll see that on here all the time... When posts get too long we stop being able to read them, then stop being able to scan them. The longer something is? The fewer people can engage.

- As present as possible. It's fairly common that a lot of us can't think very far into the future very often when we're not doing well. People who can usually think weeks, months, even years down the road and plan accordingly? Are suddenly reduced to days, hours, and even minutes.

- Don't take things personally, as a rule. Not being able to think into the future or be able to concentrate on longer or more complicated things is hugely frustrating. We can do it sometimes when symptoms are heavy, but not like we used to. One of the hurt feelings things that happens a lot with other people is them thinking we don't care, or are blowing them off... when we actually can't think as far ahead as Christmas time, or can't keep XYZ straight that someone wants to plan with us tomorrow (too many moving pieces). Overwhelmed & shutdown, or overwhelmed & blowup! (See StressCup). There are other aspects, always. Not taking things personally doesn't mean be a doormat & accept f*cked up or abusive behavior. It far more means not to look for the ulterior motives that are often present in neurotypical relationships. If we say we "can't" talk about something right now? That's usually the literal truth. Not wont, but can't. Just like isolating tends to be us trying to take care of ourselves, not us trying to passive-aggressively ditch people.

- Talk things out during good times. As a common case in point; isolating. First isolation period is a great way to learn what you want & what you need (2 different things) when someone is isolating. Talking about that during an isolation stint? Virtually impossible. Talking about that in between isolation rounds? When things are good? Much better timing. Then both of you can talk about what you want, and what you need. Hopefully there's some overlap! "Good times" can last minutes, hours, weeks, months, years. It doesn't mean go silent during bad days, just be aware we tend to be a lot more limited during bad days. It's a lot like having the flu. You're still the same person, but while on a good day you can have a rousing debate about the mysteries of the universe, on a bad day all you're able to say is "Gatorade. Please. Ugh. No. Don't touch me." in between bouts of puking into the toilet. During a bad day the same kind of narrowed focus & fogginess is very, very, very much like having a bad stomach flu, or leave work sick because you. just. can't. think.

- Be yourself. This might sound really "duh"... But it's huge. If you're naturally a very energetic touchy-feely enthusiastic person? And you have to rein yourself in to be around your sufferer? Or if you're naturally very quiet & gentle, and you have to constantly stretch yourself to take the lead & be bossy all the time to be around your sufferer? Or you're naturally intensely inquisitive, but you're not "allowed" to ask questions, or are naturally reserved but if you don't ask they'll never tell you anything, but are an open book if you do ask? (Or, Or, Or... Really be anything that is not naturally who you are.) First off, it won't happen all the time, no matter how good you are, you'll slip. The longer you're with them the more you'll slip. IME, about the longest people can fake it is about 2-3 years. Secondly? You're going to be miserable. Feeling like you have to walk on eggshells all the time gets old. Fast. Lastly, it's not healthy for either of you. If you are being yourself then you know, very honestly, whether or not the relationship will work. There's no one "right" way to communicate with people with PTSD, because we all have different personalities and preferences. 10 sufferers in a room can = 10 different communication preferences. So do what's right for you.

 

[Staciegr777]

Talk things out during good times. As a common case in point; isolating. First isolation period is a great way to learn what you want & what you need (2 different things) when someone is isolating. Talking about that during an isolation stint? Virtually impossible. Talking about that in between isolation rounds? When things are good? Much better timing. Then both of you can talk about what you want, and what you need. Hopefully there's some overlap! "Good times" can last minutes, hours, weeks, months, years. It doesn't mean go silent during bad days, just be aware we tend to be a lot more limited during bad days. It's a lot like having the flu. You're still the same person, but while on a good day you can have a rousing debate about the mysteries of the universe, on a bad day all you're able to say is "Gatorade. Please. Ugh. No. Don't touch me." in between bouts of puking into the toilet. During a bad day the same kind of narrowed focus & fogginess is very, very, very much like having a bad stomach flu, or leave work sick because you. just. can't. think.

Wow it really is just like this. There are days when I am so smart and on point and could do anything, and there are other days where I am scared to get out of bed. Jay as for any kind of an answer to your question here the only thing for me is I find it very very hard to talk to people. I am reading this book called The Body Keeps Score. and it tell me that the part of the brain that works for language/conversation. Dose not work sometimes with people who have PTSD. Its not that I don't have 100 things to say. it really is that I can not say the words, the will just not come out. For me it seems to be better to write. so I would say why not write to this girl tell her all your thoughts and feelings and see what happens. Also time and sticking around means a lot. This stuff gets old for us and there is not much we can do about it. standing by and waiting for a good day. will add up in the end for you to be there for the bad ones too. and when she see that you are not going anywhere she can maybe learn to trust again.

 

[JayElle]

Thank you @Staciegr777 and @FridayJones for your suggestions/tips on how to talk to someone who is suffering from PTSD. I will start a new thread with my question as I would like others to get involved and share their perspectives as well.

I have an update on my communication with her:

In the last 10 days or so she's reached out to me on multiple occasions. In fact, our chats via text message (we still haven't spoken on the phone or in person..) have significantly increased to every other day and sometimes every day. They're brief chats, but nonetheless progress in our communication. For instance, she's asked what my plans are on a given day and if we can hang out or have dinner. Unfortunately, our schedules haven't quite aligned or things get in the way of us meeting which has been super disappointing for me because I really miss her and want to see her, feel her, hear her voice.. - this is where I shouldn't be taking things personally or I should begin letting go of expectations, right? I find this to be such a difficult challenge and almost abusive (on my end) because it eats at me every day that passes when we could've seen each other.

For instance, the other day we had plans to hang out in the evening. She must have been exhausted because she fell asleep when I was on my way to her house so our plans fell through. Other times she is not attentive to her phone or does not have service and I get no reply until it is too late. I haven't made a big deal out of any of these circumstances as I would like to conserve my friendship that I have with her at the moment. I sometimes don't know if I am doing the right thing, but the fact that I see progress in our communication gives me hope which is bitter sweet as you can imagine.