Relationships, forgiveness ...the price of inclusion?

[cclun]

I am sorry It has to be very difficult to be the victim and no one seems to understand or sees It. But It sounds like the people around him want to be around because he has money? In that case that is not real relationship but fake ones. Have you thought about just moving away and start over with new friendships? If you stick around and you friends are not supportive, or even ignore you, you can forgive but you do not have to limit yourself to such a small social circle. Expand your circle in developing healthy friendships would be my suggestion. Churches, Ys, those are good places to start making more and better friends.

 

[Whirlwind]

You are valuable Whirlwind - they are the ones that truly do not count at all.

That was a very kind thing to say to me, Thank you. And for commiserating.

Now, unfortunately or fortunately depending on when and how you are feeling.... you must start anew and look to building a future instead.

Yes, it is fortunate I am free to start again. I still struggle with coming to terms with my life, what feels like limited options. But I am pushing forward, making pretty big changes. Its been hard, but now I'm here kinda looking around..."now what?" :)

I can't (won't?)explain to them why they are wrong.

Honestly you can't. I wouldn't have believed my own early on! It took me time...I have seen ex say things that were just weird only to shrug it off because it makes no sense. I did it too, before I began putting together what all of these inconsistencies meant.

Do you have a link to the video?

I think it would help me.

I don't have the link but if it still bugs you I found youtube Richard Grannon to be great help.

 

[mamachick]

The first to apologize is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest, and the first to forget is the happiest. I think these are true words but the forgetting part is hard for me. I have to ask myself, what do I hope to gain from any relationship with the person that has been so insensitive and hurt me. Im getting better at it. What is the point? What do I have to gain? May sound selfish but we have a right to be selfish if its for self preservation. Only we have to live with the consequences when it goes South again.

 

[mumstheword]

That was a very kind thing to say to me, Thank you. And for commiserating.



Yes, it is fortunate I am free to start again. I still struggle with coming to terms with my life, what feels like limited options. But I am pushing forward, making pretty big changes. Its been hard, but now I'm here kinda looking around..."now what?" :)



Honestly you can't. I wouldn't have believed my own early on! It took me time...I have seen ex say things that were just weird only to shrug it off because it makes no sense. I did it too, before I began putting together what all of these inconsistencies meant.



I don't have the link but if it still bugs you I found youtube Richard Grannon to be great help.

I do like Richard Grannon. I've watched/listened ro quite a few of his.
Honestly? I would be a lot further along if I hadn't had a very large family with this man. The fall out on the children goes on and on. It's ok though. We all have plenty of opportunity to come to terms with some painful realities, and they are plentiful, so, yeah; acceptance is the key, that and compassion and understanding.

 

[Whirlwind]

Acceptance was the turning point for me. I really feel I flipped a mental switch and the lights came on. The truth was too scary for a long time and I forgive myself for that now.

I don't excuse him but I get it now. I really get it.

I feel even lucky, he dropped his mask as the "gig was up". Not even in a scary way.....I didn't react to what I saw and so he left the mask down at least with me. He doesn't bother anymore. That frantic sense of loss and connection to him then dissipated. I stopped denying and really sat down an mentally assessed all of the oddities I pushed away over the years.

I remember once when he declared himself to be "X" and I was like what? You have been "A" for 15yrs! We have discussed it for hours at a time for years on end! He looked at me puzzled and said No, I've always been an "X". Sometime later he seamlessly became "A" again.

Truthfully? When it happened...I knew. He wasn't confused. He momentarily forgot who he was. This is an impossibility for most people. We know "who" we are. So add it to the heaping pile of oddities I collected over the years and I just stopped pushing it all away and there it was....

.......all of this time I had invited a dank slimy crocodile up onto my couch to cuddle. I always found him so hard and uncomfortable and I tried switching positions, different pillows. And I was always trying to find where the stench was coming from, why my living room was always filthy.....

Today I have zero desire to cuddle. I think it is best he stays in the swamp and he will absolutely continue to do what crocodiles do.....

 

[katz]

I could use some advice. I'm trying to make this short so bear with me....

Friends know ex abused me. It seemed that they chose him over me (Ex is "somebody" and everyone flocks to him). He got support, I got sympathy.

I did not expect them to disown him. With me they did the "fade away".

I remember a friend felt they were being "neutral" but pulled me aside to tell me he would not tell (his wife, adult kids I was close with etc) the "WHY" of our divorce. He asked me not to tell them (not that I had plans to). I felt shamed, and his neutral could also be translated as protecting my ex. I remember a couple of encounters with peripheral folks.....like the mother of a friend. She wouldn't even speak to me. Somehow I was the "bad guy". No one has ever asked me about "it". Not one checked in on me the last couple of years to see how I was doing.

I know today he is welcome with them and occasionally blows by for applause.

I was just contacted out of the blue and invited to stay with them. "Everyone would love to see me".

I have never burdened anyone with it ever but I feel the stain was applied to me, not him. He rebounded magnificently as he does and I did not, will not. I feel I was the uncomfortable reminder for them, they knew my financial situation was poor, having to move, I am alone here etc.

Part of me is heart warmed and part of me would like to tell them to go to hell. I do not think they condone abuse but I feel they cover for him. His first wife claimed abuse and no one believed her. They know it happened with me so they were obviously wrong about her. He has a history. Honestly I do not think they are bad people. They can't all be, you know?

But some peripheral folks I will not engage..they set him up with women. I mean, really? No one can stop him but why would you feed the monster? Blood so to speak is on their hands. yeesh.

But I feel the unwritten terms of re-engagement will be to not make anyone uncomfortable, and never speak of "it". I am really isolated, I miss them. I never expected them to champion for me but ... simple example but they offered him help re work, not that he needed it. He stayed with them, he has plenty of $. No one offered me help like this and I needed it. I hope I explain this right as I don't expect them to fix things for me but I was surprised how they rallied around him. He bears zero repercussion from what I saw.

I don't know, at times I feel I didn't get the same life play book everyone else did. But I know I aspire to standards others just don't and it can be very lonely on top of that high horse. :-P

Reality play book: He is somebody = his high "value" outweighs his actions = victim just needs to suck it up.

Geez, thanks for listening!

Whirlwind

I'm sorry that this happened to you. It is similar to what happened to me. As the details came out, I ended up in the hospital. When I got out - they were all gone. They just disappeared into the wind. It is so sad that we are the victims and need the most help, yet we are the ones that get blamed.

 

[Whirlwind]

It is so sad that we are the victims and need the most help, yet we are the ones that get blamed.

I am sorry you can relate. It is a strange thing isn’t it? I remember once hearing someone claim abuse only to retract it so I assumed it was untrue as they later said. My bad, my ignorance. Now I know how often the abused backpedal due to the reactions of others. I try to give folks similar benefit of learning but there comes a line.

I went to see these old friends and it was fine but I felt they were superficially nice. A few were cold.

Most people prefer the easy road and my presence brings discomfort. I’m glad I went as now I don’t miss them like before. I feel good about my move away...it may be lonely at times but I don’t deal with this kind of weight so to speak.

Because when push comes to shove, I already know they aren’t going to have my back. And pleasant small talk? Isn’t something that I value very highly.

Exactly.