Relationship Relationships - Wife And Kids...?? Advice Welcome.....

[Sunshine71]

Dear likeminded friends

I do hope all is well for you all - I haven't checked into the forum for a fair few months - I have thrown myself into my work and trying to do what I can to cope with the roller coaster of my life and hubbies PTSD.

My son and I are triggers for hubby - He is getting a lot of support and help in general but as I am not in any sessions I dont know if he has mentioned this....

With me we have lost that closeness we have always had - I continue to support and get on the best I can....

But he constantly shouts and is horrible to our son - Our son is just 6.

He says to stop doing whatever he is doing as "You are annoying me" - the other morning he gave him a hard smack on his bottom that really stung - Just because he was banging. It was annoying but didn't warrant a smack. I told him this and tried to have a conversation - but he said I am just telling him what to do.

This to me is unacceptable and he did apologize.

He is getting on with his photography business and I am so pleased for him - he has a desk set up in the lounge and has his back is to us. So in the morning and in the evening this is how it is - he sits with his back to us.

I am trying to do all what I can for us all - My son is a little behind with his reading and even sports... I have said so many times - I will focus on the reading and you can have some fun teaching our son to bounce a ball etc....

Its been months and nothing. He just has so little interaction with our son.

I wondered if anyone else has this.

I am scared to rock the boat while things are calm(ish)

But I am drifting away even more - how can I be close to someone who is so different now and who is constantly horrible to our son???

Thanks for reading all and appreciate your words of wisdom and expertise.

Thanks and sending you love - Sunshine x

 

[Nicolette]

Sunshine my heart goes out to you.

My thoughts are to treat your husband as he is treating you and your son. You need to tell him when "he is not being a nice person" or " he is being a nasty parent" and leave the room with your son.

I would also dare to challenge you on

I am scared to rock the boat while things are calm(ish)

as I think it sounds more like you and your son are walking on eggshells in order to keep your husband happy?

Me, I would toughen up and expect more and better. Firstly, if he continues to be horrible to your son you run the risk of causing your son permanent damage and you have a responsiblity to it as well - sorry doesn't take away the unwarranted smack. It has to stop and you need to stand up for your son in front of your son IMHO. In that I would immediately respond that it was not acceptable as otherwise you are teaching your son that such behaviour is acceptable.

Secondly, I would start with the insistence that there is a minimum amount of time set aside each day that your husband spends with your son - it can start with 15 minutes but he has to step up. I get he is struggling but he chose to be a parent so that responsibility he must live up to. If he actually tries he may even find it enjoyable. Just pick a time when your son is not tired/exhausted nor your husband.

I get the drifting away as that is your way of protecting yourself but no-one should mistreat a child. I grew up like that and it has scarred me for life and no words or actions can now take that away.

How would you feel about an ultimatum? Nothing dramatic but start with small things like unless he is a good and fair parent to your son then he is the one who should remove himself from the room (away from his beloved photography being the key). You know him - pick things which will make him decide that in order to have what he wants then he has to step up.

I sound harsh and it's easier said than done at times - but these are the basics I have found which work over the years.

Good luck.

 

[Jen93]

I've heard from the supporter things that having PTSD is no excuse for being mean- and smacking your kid on the bum falls into the "mean" category to me! He needs to find better ways to coping with his anger and the two of you being "triggers". Is he in therapy? Are you? It would be a good idea.

I hope your son knows that none of this is intentional- tell him that it's not his fault- a 6 year old that's been constantly yelled at and smacked may very well start to think that he's "bad"- tell him that he's good. (I'm so sorry if I make no sense right now, I'm sort of just foggy writing this.) Just let him know that his father is a little angry and that he should go play somewhere else- like outside in the front yard - he could practise kicking a ball or something- as long as he doesn't run out on the street and just stays in the front yard- or how about the back?- I wouldn't see any objection.

By giving your husband the "cool off time" he needs, perhaps a half hour or so, he can think about why he's been triggered- and work on grounding or something in that case.

Another thought- Are there any sort of like sports leagues? Like little leagues or something in the community just for fun? Sometimes they're free and they're run by volunteer coaches in the community- anybody can join up- no matter what skill level- they may have one specifically for 6 year old boys- You could sign him up in that. If your husband goes to games at least he's being supportive. He may just not want to spend one-on-one time with him because of fear of his anger, but at a community thing, your son gets the exercise he needs, and maybe going to the games and watching would convince your husband to have that one-on-one time sports thing with your kid.

I hope this helps. Not sure if it does.

Best of luck,

Jen

 

[Nicolette]

Jen while I like your suggestions - I wonder how Sunshine's husband would cope in a community environment along with having to stay there when he can't even manage at home?

I also have been that kid who had to stay away from the 'father figure' and while I don't think I was bad it made me feel like I wasn't wanted around. I think there is a double edged sword at play here.

I am not arguing with you Jen nor saying your suggestions won't work... I am just relating it to my childhood experience and airing those thoughts.

 

[Jen93]

Yeah, I just posted while you were posting your first thing.

 

[Sunshine71]

WOW as always I am blown away by the amazing comments and such helpful advice.

Thank you all SO much.

I feel empowered to say something now. I know it sounds funny but I feel that I couldnt before. Not that I am scared - I just dont want to make things worse.

Hubby is going in for an operation tomorrow - hopefully this will reduce/ stop the pain that he gets and I have already said that after this we will work out the way forward for us as a family. Tonight I would have usually got our son ready for bed and read to him - after taking him to karate - now I have asked Glyn while I have a late check in on emails and log off.

I love the idea of the little league type sports - again thank you and I will also mention this. Hubby does do better outside while he is with other people rather than at home....

Thank you amazing people and as always I welcome any more ideas and hope that this can help others too.

Love Sunshine x

 

[Nicolette]

Jen's suggestion re getting Hubby to take your son to sport is a good idea then. That's great to hear while also interesting. Does Hubby 'fall over' after being out in the community or does it uplift him?

Anthony does well going out for a walk as exercise is good for them... PTSD Sufferers also seem to react better to people they are not emotionally involved with when unwell. Maybe the problem is Hubby is actually not doing enough and gets in a depressive rut at home without realizing it, as while photography is a good hobby, its still somewhat isolating. Is he getting out & taking photos?

 

[Eleanor]

Oh Sunshine! I know I know I know and how I wish I didn't.:( H got up and berated L and I for "not letting him sleep" on Friday. The evil consisted of L going into the bedroom (she didn't know he was sleeping and does this when he is just resting and is welcomed) at 11 AM. And then at 12:30 going out the front door and letting the screen door slam. She cried and he recovered enough to apologize and make up. With her. Not me. I'm still evil. (He's still in the episode, never really came out since Friday, thought he had but Oh How Wrong I Was.)

The bottom line for me is that you need to protect your boy. Little guys don't process the world like adults - and they come to some pretty odd conclusions (or not, at times). Can you find/do you have a play therapist for him? This kind of behavior is difficult to explain and understand and it is so so terribly important for your son to understand that daddy is treating him like this because he is sick, not because your son is bad or inadequate for some reason. It is such a hard line to walk to try to preserve some semblance of a parental relationship between the sufferer and the child when the sufferer is not in control part of the time (and in my case has amazingly inadequate parenting "scripts.")

Only you can decide if it is a situation that is worth staying in. I know my L settled down a lot when we got a place where dad isn't all the time. He comes and goes - but is sometimes gone for a few days. She gets a higher percentage of good time, and seems to write off the bad more easily now. And we are not living with the constant "walking on eggshells" and "waiting for the other shoe to drop" tension on a daily moment to moment basis. Which really is poisonous.

Sorry no good ideas here - but linking arms...

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you for your wonderful words......

I havent been back here for a while - my hubby had the operation and then my son got chicken pox so its been a huge juggle.

Hubby over did it and stopped taking pain killers too soon after his operation and this pushed him over the edge again.

We were not connecting at all and I didnt even want to be a the same room as him.

Our son stayed with his nan and auntie this weekend as we were offered some work at an event.

Hubby and I grabbed a drink and then thought we would get some food out - just because we had some space for us ....

We had just ordered and then he dropped the bombshell..... He wants to die, every day is a struggle, he tells the counselling people what they want to hear. He doesnt want to go on and hates his life.

We got through the weekend - I could forgot about all of the crap going on and be my old bubbly self..... The drive there was horrible and the drive back with hubby just as bad.

He flew off the handle after I said I didnt like that he said that another woman who he spoke to "ticked all of his boxes" What wife wants to hear this....???

I dont want us to split - I want things to get better....

He has gone to college now and I am left exhausted after the 4 hour drive and the horrible mood swing after - in front of my sister and brother in law...

He said he will "try harder" and I have been left emailing and calling counsellors, care support, doctors, hospital, income support people and more....

I just want to move on I am so tired and it is horrible looking at my husband after being so close for over 20 years and think "Who the hell is this man..?"

He left in good spirits and I am just wiped out... I want to get off of this roller coaster - and I want us to get off of it together - I just dont know if he can......

Thanks for reading and your support is so appreciated

With love Sunshine

 

[JohnJohn]

Hang in there Sunshine.

My wife has a short fuse around me and my daughter and has moved out some months back, in an attempt I can only speculate at bringing back peace to her mind. She goes to counselling occasionally, but has yet to admit to having a problem of any kind.

It sounds like your husbad is aware there is an issue he needs to work on. That is a tremendous first step. I do not have that working for me and I know I am running out of energy too.

I feel betrayed and resentful toward my wife, but I do the best I can every day. If you know your limits and are hanging in there while taking care of yourself then you are on the right track.

All of the up thread advice and words here throw support your way. Sometimes sufferers are too busy trying to get by and survive that they forget and take for granted supporting loved ones needs too. Until then, we support supporters too.

Hang in there, you will find happiness.

 

[Eleanor]

I am with you on being tired of the roller coaster and worn down by it, Sunshine. Sending prayers for you and your husband and son...

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you so much for your support and wonderful words. The weekends seem to be difficult for us.

Today 3 'tantrums' by hubby who has again just slammed the door and gone upstairs. He was never like this before - I do feel it could be the medication??

I have pains in my chest, close to tears and sitting here Sunday night writing up an artilce that should have been in last week - payment for sorting out a little trip so we could enjoy a break away as a family - with hubby not working I am lucky I can do this otherwise we wouldnt have any breaks.

This was difficult with hubby shouting and constantly angry with our son. Our son does throw wobblers all the time if he is not getting his own way and this tips hubby over the edge. The tantrums start from my son when I pick him up from school and then who knows what moos hubby will be in.

I am wrung wragged - the only time I am happy is when I am sitting at my desk working.

He would never hurt us I know this. But its the mood swings, door slamming and black moods that are just killing me.

Thanks for being there

Sunshine xx