Religion & Abuse - Raising A Child Problems

[HëllaBubz]

Religion formed a very solid part of my abusive experience as a child and adult, and now as a mother I'm struggling with the moral backbone I want to model to the child as her compass.

I do have some things, but I want a better reason than, "just because a group of people do it that I like"...... Plenty of medical conditions cover that scenario!

I have aspects of spirituality that I find assist me in my day to day living, but religion itself sets my teeth on edge, bared with hackles raised and swinging a battle axe.

I can't set foot in a church without night my, and every time someone offers to pray for me, it's like a physical assault and I find it majority offensive.

Tonight my sister is holding a party as she's moving over seas, and I'll be hosting her and her guests, most of whom are religious.

The thought of them makes me want to find my track of Marilyn Manson's "Die mother ####er" and play it over our plaster cracking, ear busting sound system until they leave. Mature I know :p

I have a slight inkling that it's still a sensitive topic in my life!

My thing is, raising a whip-smart child with a moral set, and a healthy belief in self, whilst avoiding the brain washing. What reasoning and logic does one give? My experience with religion usually is a complete absence of common sense, shiftable goal posts, willful lack of education etc etc.

Ive been to a Messianic Judaism synagogue I liked, but quite frankly all the sexual abuse and blind eyes in all different denominations that I've experienced personally and heard of leaves me very disillusioned.

Given I may not see clearly for the role it's played in my life, and the subsequent loathing, what do I consider?

 

[Fadeaway]

I firmly believe that the way most parents handle religion is abuse. Let's take Christianity for example. The crucifixion, that is a terrifying and traumatizing story to tell a child. I remember being in the second grade and being completely distraught about it. Of course, christians like to tell the story to children in the most gory and violent way possible. Then of course, you have Satan who is constantly whispering in your ear to get you to misbehave so you will sneak a cookie before dinner and if you lie about taking that cookie you will burn forever in hell and be tortured by demons unless you confess to the guy who had his side stabbed and all his guts poured out while he was nailed to a cross but not before he was whipped and beaten that his muscle and skin was torn from his bones. And don't forget, if you have been sexually assaulted, you are not sexually pure so so no man will ever want you for a wife because the only thing a woman has of any value is to offer up her virginity to her husband. Oh, and basically you are now an adulterous so the only reason we aren't stoning you like the bible says is because you aren't at the age of accountability yet. WTF ?

Sorry, I'll stop now.

I think it should be passed into law that a parent can not force their beliefs on their child. Everyone should get a choice based on their own personal research. A parent should be able to tell a child what they believe, but hell and the details of the crucifixion should not be illegal to tell a young child.

 

[Friday]

Religion only thinks it has the corner on morality :p

That said, during a very difficult time in my son's life, we did start attending a church purely for the f*cking awesome people involved in it. Not just at a social level, although that was beyond important as well... Being around people who gave a damn about him, and others, and did so openly? Invaluable... But also because religion is the only place I know that openly discusses morality, daily. I wanted both in his life at the time.

Prior to that? I didn't have him attend any religious group regularly... Although we often celebrated holidays in several different religions with people actively practicing that faith...

Instead I went for the more subtle moralizing one finds in sports, and science, and science fiction, and history, and drama.

There are certainly other areas that promote certain moral certainties & moral questions, but politics bores me outside of historical context (and I very strongly proscribe to the belief of "Never read a book you don't like, to a child. They pick up on your disdain, and either acquire it, or use it as a weapon against you.' :wtf: Oh noooooo. Not that book! Not again! Noooooooooo. ) and besides, keeping up with his "whys" & reinforcing lessons in those 5 was already keeping me on my toes!!! :roflmao:

 

[Casey_03]

My parents attempted to get me involved in church as a child. They pretended to be Catholic for a little bit, mainly out of a sense that they had to give their kids some sort of religion to grow up with. But they quickly changed their minds and were very open with me about hating organized religion and any institution that tries to force religion on people. They confessed that they were agnostic more than anything else. And some of my relatives were hardened atheists. There was even one very amusing incident in which a distant relative tried to take me and my sister to church so the atheist relatives literally hid us away from them, for fear we'd be corrupted by Catholicism. I still remember my sister and I hiding underneath a table where the religious relative frantically inquired about our whereabouts and all the relatives sitting at the table blatantly lied and said we'd run off, all the while whispering to us to stay put.

So I grew up learning to be very skeptical of organized religion. BUT that is not to say that my parents didn't give me a solid moral framework or spirituality. They did, albeit in a more creative, free-thinking way. My mother taught me about all different religions and used to take me touring churches of different denominations, but she always explained that it was the people's devotion and spiritualness that she wanted me to appreciate, not the actual message of that denomination. I think I'm much better for learning to view religion that way. I'm more open and tolerant to other people's views, I think. At least compared to some of my peers who grew up with a specific organized religion.

I think you can be completely honest with your child and just explain why you don't like religion, but point out that that doesn't mean there's no morality or spirituality. On the contrary, both those things are still there, they're just not forced on you using someone else's rigid framework. I tend to think that religion often just makes people more judgemental, meaner somehow (not for everyone, of course, but in many cases), and narrowminded.

 

[Gs172003]

I firmly believe that the way most parents handle religion is abuse. Let's take Christianity for examp...

Sorry but that was rediculous. I was NEVER taught all that at that age and frankly I was never taught that abuse meant tainted. Crap I've been married three times and though it was considered a sin I was also taught GRACE so to sit there and say all parents teaching religion is abusive is just plain out not fair.

 

[Gs172003]

To top it off I'm Southern Baptist.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I definitely have experienced a lot of judgement, narrow minded bigotry and other hatred. More hatred than love for sure.

I guess my biggest thing is that in all the different religions Ive investigated, the majority have not been what they professed, and had covered up sexual abuse. A huge issue for me.

I guess I'm trying to explore spirituality and morals without religious infection.

 

[Gs172003]

I definitely have experienced a lot of judgement, narrow minded bigotry and other hatred. More hatr...

That may have been what you experienced but that is far from the majority.

 

[HëllaBubz]

That may have been what you experienced but that is far from the majority.

But it's been significant enough for me to avoid most Christian churches and communities.

 

[Gs172003]

But it's been significant enough for me to avoid most Christian churches and communities.

I'm sorry to hear that. In my city there has been no recent that I'm aware of but plenty of teachers and coaches. Should schools be made illegal? Of course I know that is silly but you get the point.

I'm sorry you went through what you did but don't paint us all with the same brush.

 

[Silver.]

I minored in religion in college and I spent many years spending time in every sort of church imaginable. (from Catholic, Southern Baptist, Synagogues, 7 Day Adventist, even a snake handling one, I could go on...)
Every one I attended got serious eye rolls because if I didn't think it was bizarre, then I thought it was unrealistic, or fudged things to suit their needs. I had/have criticism for organized religion on the whole.

You can raise your child to have beliefs without having to set foot in a church. I think the most important thing for anyone, is to have a belief in something, no matter what that belief is. You can reaffirm your beliefs with your child to create a sense of strength, unity, love and peace within themselves.

I have raised my daughter according to my own beliefs, though we do on occasion attend our local church, which is a Universalist church. They don't care what you believe in, as long as you believe in love. They don't care what you wear there, how many tattoos or piercings you have, they just care that you are open to giving and receiving love. I clicked with that because my beliefs come from a myriad of of places. I also think the pastor plays a huge role in the overall atmosphere.
I am not sure if they have any in Aus, but if it interests you to try and give it a go, perhaps you could try and check one out? If it doesn't interest you, then just do your best to raise your child to be a confident, strong individual who can share the positive aspects of your beliefs.

 

[Kefira]

My parents were Catholic and Methodist growing up but both were mostly out of the church by the time they had me and decided not to raise me religiously.

I was more or less raised agnostically- when I had specifically religious questions growing up my parents did their best to give me information about how different people believe, and to stress it's about being a good moral person, not who you follow or what rituals you do.

The caution is I experienced a lot of bullying from Christian classmates because I wasn't going to church, up to and including physical assault.

When I was older after some of my more severe trauma in late middle early high school I wanted a faith community and I eventually converted to Judaism. Now I have my own spiritual life that is eclectic and I'm interfaith clergy, so I guess probably I didn't turn out so bad. You can definitely raise a child without a formal religion. If you allow the to be exposed to different world views in ways that are comfortable to you and to them they will have the tools to find what they need if that's a path they later choose.