Reporting Your Rapist And Getting Negative Feedback

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think about his child coming up to me in 10 years and asking me why I took his father away...

.......... I think I can do it.I think i can report him................

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

The 2nd time he raped me, he told his bf.
He called him on the phone and said " I raped her again."

I think I have a good chance, what do you think?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think about...

Being laughed at.
Crying so hard I can't even talk
having to go in front of a courtroom full of people
hyperventilating
people not understanding that I can't remember all of the rapes. and that my memory is ****ed up.

Or maybe it will be okay. his formar bf will tell the police that he did confess to raping me. or maybe he will pee his pants and tell the police himself ( which i think there is a good chance! ) could I tell the police that? ...o btw my ex-boyfirend is a really big coward, and if you threaten enough, he will proplay start crying and just confess??? could i say that?

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it's impossible to think clearly or at least as you would without this emotional upheaval, not to mention torturous to you. One thing is for certain, you don't know what the outcome will be. Also, I highly doubt he would admit anything- not with those potential consequences.

It's a very personal decision and I would speak with someone at a sexual assault counselling center or women's center, irregardless. Apparently the more times you 'say it'/ are believed the less it feels this way, more self-acceptance/ less blame and fear/ more self- empowerment, if nothing else.

 

[dharmaBum]

Ayesha- you can call the RAINN hotline and get connected with your local center. RAINN also has an extensive online forum/message board (pandoraDOTorg) specific to rape issues where you may find more support, but it sounds like talking to someone in your local area would be helpful to you right now.

 

[Nicolette]

Aeysha, I too was raped by a boyfriend, the same one who tried to strangle me and a few other things. I didn't even bother trying to pursue the matter as we were living together and it was my word against his. What real hope did I have?

I have however stood up and took matters to court being stalked and being physically abused by a boyfriend...actually the police took the matter to court and I had to go to court as a witness to my own case. Initially he was convicted but then appealed to the County Court (higher court) and he got off on the technicality - the second judge thought that he deserved a lesser charge than the first one so since the first one dismissed the lesser charge double jeopardy came into play - you can't be charged for the same crime twice or something to that effect.

I hated the whole process and was constantly fed the line "of protecting other women".....the process humiliated me and him getting off on a technicality for a lesser charge due to me being on medication from back surgery a week prior sucked. They said the medication I was taking may have caused misjudgment on my behalf - my face being split open wasn't enough. Would I do it again.........hell yes as if nothing else it helped me deal with what happened even though the outcome was not the one I wanted. Some people said he has his conscious to live with but I don't think he had one to start with as if he had he never would have done what he is done.

From what I can gather from your postings is that you want to deal with your trauma yet on the other hand you don't want to make that decision and want others to make that decision for you. You can ask for opinions until the cows come home but at the end of the day you have to make a decision you must live with and not look to others as that suggests, if it doesn't go as planned, you then have someone else to blame for the advice they gave you. It is your time to stand up for your self and decide what is best for you. Don't worry about what other people think - I have faced the court room and my ex brought his family including ex girlfriends as a display of females who supported him. You can't control the outcome and the system does not work at all times.........this is about what you want to live with.....either stepping back and accepting what happened to you or at least making a stand and fighting for your rights. Even if it doesn't turn out the way you wanted to there is a lot to gain out of the guts of facing your abuser and saying to the 'world' that you don't accept it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Nicolette, I will definitively face it. I can do it. I have a lot to learn.

Thanks for making me see, I am the only one who can make the decision and that I will answer to myself at the end of the day. I hope I wasn't trying to make other people decide, but maybe I was.

I called RAINN last night, and they told me to talk to a rape crisis center, who will be able to help me when I actually make the report. It will help, but I still have to be the one to say I don't accept it. I can do that.

 

[ams]

Reporting rape is a very brave thing to do, and it's unfortunate that we have to be asked if we're doing it for vengeance or "to get back at him".. but it's because so many women report rape only after the guy does something like cheating on the girl, for example. Asking if it's for vengeance is to help weed out the false accusations (cops told me this when I was reporting my first rape).

After reporting it, a detective calls you. Sometimes its for him to set up an interview with you, and sometimes it's to set up a "trap" for the guy, where the detective has a phone with a tape recorder attached to it, and they record the call that YOU make to try to get the guy to admit what he did. After that phone conversation, you go home, and the detective calls the guy to tell him he's being accused of rape and the detective "interviews" him over the phone, basically.

I dropped the case within a week, because I didn't want to reopen that wound and fight the whole thing, when the chances of him actually getting jail time were slim to none. It wasn't worth it to me. But I did feel good about the fact that I reported it, and it's on his record in case he does it again. It's not easy, but it can be harder to deal with the feelings of "what if I reported it, what if something could have happened?". You never know what could already be on his record. He might have done this to someone else who put it on his record.

Just because you put the complaint on his record, that doesn't mean you have to press charges.

I chose not to report the second guy, because he lives a stone's throw away from me and knows where I live, and I felt like it would be dangerous to report him (pissing him off more). But, I got the rape kit done in case I change my mind.

Hope that's helpful.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

thanks ams for your description.

We have a family friend who is a police detective, so I'm getting in touch with him.

Taking baby steps, but I am doing it. I think, for right now, I am just going to report it, and not press charges. Can I ask them questions about that?

 

[ams]

Yes. You can report it without pressing charges. The worst part, I think, is that police officers and detectives have to stay objective about all of this, and they try to find the truth. They aren't on your side or on his side, they are just trying to investigate. This means they can be really callous and victims get really upset because of the cops/detectives being "mean". It is invasive, and when you're vulnerable and exposing yourself, you will want to feel validated and you want the authorities you're talking to to be sensitive and show compassion, and CARE for you. That's all great, but if a detective puts his feelings in front of his job, he loses credibility and the capability of doing his job right.

I guess I'm telling you that just so you're prepared to deal with people who come off as mean, rude, blunt, and just plain jerks. Just take some deep breaths and make sure you have friends/family with you so they can support you emotionally.

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask.

 

[Tinyflame]

I had a positive experience reporting but not pressing charges, but I had 2 excellent cops and one in particular made me feel very safe and he was very easy to talk to. I remember him getting angry at a few things I told him (not angry with me, but at him), and it secretly made me feel so much better, I have to say, almost relieved. Not that I felt 'disbelieved' in the slightest, it just validated what I thought was wrong he thought was (VERY) wrong, too. I have to say however they thoroughly encouraged me to press charges as well and told me that his son also had a rap sheet a foot thick. It came in handy because he shot someone about 6 years later in broad daylight and then went to prison.

However, I must say I didn't really feel like I had any other recourse but to report it, so I just did it factually/ psyched up and got it over with. The cops thought that would suffice to get rid of him for good when asked (they were right), plus there was a restraining order, but if they had said that they had thought that wouldn't have ended it I don't know what I would have done.

 

[louisa]

Change your therapist - that certainly isn't an appropriate response that she gave you x