Repressed Anger Ruining My Life

[Thinkingman85]

I have been dealing with repressed anger for four years now. Since then, my personality has been much more serious and hypervigilant. Also, my PTSD pain and depression is associated wit the repressed anger. I am in a dilemma. Also, I don't know how to effectively release this anger. It has left me in a state of identity crisis. I feel like if i don't get rid of this anger that I will never be able to live a normal, functional (in terms of normal functioning), and emotionally healthy life. I want to be happy again.

After both of my parents died (Age 15 mother, age 17 father), my brother and I lived together. He became a drug addict and dropped out of college. I was in college, but I had to deal with a drug induced environment every day. He emotionally bused me by trying to make me feel bad if I didn't help him (buy him groceries, spot him money, accept his drug use, etc.). I did help him because I cared, but he used my kindness for weakness. It got to the point where he slapped me in the face for no reason when he was high. I didn't want to beat him down because he is my brother, so I got in his face and walked away. I always feel like I should have beat him down. I continued allowing his sly remarks and deceptive behavior until I finally snapped and started rolling around on the floor of my living room screaming "I hate you! I outta beat the shit outta you!"

After the "snap" occurred, my repressed anger finally overflowed and the PTSD/depression was born. I have had it for four years. I never wanted to hurt him because he is my brother, but I feel like I "have" to get revenge and beat him up or else the repressed anger will not go away. It's like there is so much emotional pressure and once I beat him up, the pressure will become freed. I have talked to him about my feelings, but he just acts like what he didn't wasn't bad and that I should move on. He is not on drugs anymore, but that doesn't take away my anger. I have not been validated for what has happened to me.

I'm always concerned that if I walk away from what happened, which I have for four years, I will not be able to live how I should... Pain free without toxic anger. My pride feels damaged like "I didn't stand up for myself". I feel like revenge will restore my pride. I feel like a victim that needs his justice. However, this feeling is fading with time.

My main question is that if you KNOW that you were taken advantage of emotionally by someone, how can you be happy person unless you get revenge?

I've talked to therapists... They want me to let it go and do my own thing. I'm not going to take medication because they don't address my issue and it will only deal with the symptoms and not the cause. I have tried medication and that is what happened. I "felt" less depressed, but the knowledge of what happened left my pride down. I need to restore my pride. Thanks for reading.

 

[Thinkingman85]

One thing I've learned is that my feelings of anger arise because of a fear. Once my feelings of vulnerability diminish, I should be much much better and possibly ok. I am aware that this is a confusing issue.

 

[p-no]

Hi Thinkingman,

The question you ask is a difficult one to answer. I find there are layers and layers that need looking at to be able to answer it from my personal perspective. I'll try to write something out and until then I hope others can contribute. Just wanted to let you know your question hasn't gone unheard.

p-no

 

[discarded]

Hi Thinkingman

I too wonder the same thing. I too have spent much time thinking revenge will be the answer. Then I found PTSDForum and the way I see things is starting to change. Revenge will just be a short term fix, it might make you feel good for a little while, but I doubt in the overall scheme of things that it will be the fix you are hoping for. I have realised that the way people treat me is because of their own issues of which I have no control. I can only control the way I react and sometimes it is so hard to just sit back and let it slide. Sometimes you just have to stand up and say that is enough, I won't take it anymore. I am still trying to let go of my anger and hurt, just taking it one day at a time. Hang in there.

Discarded

 

[The Albatross]

Thinking man? Any you can take pride in the fact that you kept yourself under control and DIDN'T "beat him down"?

“When you begin a journey of revenge, start by digging two graves: one for your enemy, and one for yourself.” ― Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes

“The paradox of vengefulness is that it makes men dependent upon those who have harmed them, believing that their release from pain will come only when their tormentors suffer.” ― Laura Hillenbrand, Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience and Redemption

“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

“The best revenge is living well.” ― Jerry Seinfeld

Though this quote is something you most likely don't want to consider because it says "forgiving". If you replace "Not forgiving" With "Nurshing hurts" you can see how impotent anger and hostility can fester. “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” ― Anne Lamott

"My main question is that if you KNOW that you were taken advantage of emotionally by someone, how can you be happy person unless you get revenge?" Seek a sincere apology. You may be able to get over the hurt that he slapped you if he can apologize.

If your brother can't or won't offer an apology. Then your Therapist is right about learning to let go. I had to do it on several things, I had no choice because they were driving my substance abuse and I was actively killing myself. I hope this helps you?

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks for the responses. What has hurt me to the point where I feel like I ruined my life is the after effects of my PTSD. When the PTSD had arisen, I didn't know how to cope with it. Therefore, I went to a doctor and was prescribed Buspar for anxiety and Adderrall for aiding concentration. The Adderrall and Buspar created side effects (excessive paranoia and increased testosterone). Pretty soon, I was an angry paranoid person that believed people were out to get me. Because of my odd behavior (for example, carrying a knife in college for self defense), my friends became alienated. I lost my best friend whom I was the best man at his wedding. After realizing what the drugs were doing, it was too late. I stopped them and started new.

For the next four years, I tried to live life in a new way... embracing my PTSD. I stayed away from my brother. Gradually, my PTSD pain boiled to the top and I had to take a break from life. Since then, I have been studying PTSD, letting go of my past, and healing trauma. My goal was to be able to thrive in the city I grew up in, but old friends that keep tabs and horrific memories are still here.

My intention was never to go off the deep end and become a victim of the pharmaceutical industry. I used to have many close relationships, now I have few friends. All of this happened after my PTSD symptoms.

I have been looking forward to moving out of my home city and starting fresh. There wouldn't be any triggers and past baggage wouldn't hold me back in any way. However, there is always a feeling that my brother ruined my life or ruined my chances of a successful life in my home city. His actions left me with actual neurological damage.

True strength would be letting go and moving on... I just don't see any way that I will feel as good I used to before the PTSD... and I REFUSE to embrace the statement that PTSD is permanent and you will always be damaged.

I'm sick and tired of feeling that the world is out to hurt me. Not focusing on what has happened to me and focusing on succeeding seems to be what works best.

I think it is best for me to stay away from my brother even if he would give a sincere apology. He tries to make up my mind for me. I am an adult.

Honestly, I feel like giving my story seems to be futile for my healing, but I want to be sure that my life is going to end up good.

 

[p-no]

Thinkingman:

It's like there is so much emotional pressure and once I beat him up, the pressure will become freed.

As a child I was abused in many ways, physically and emotionally. Because there was daily severe abuse all my life, already in elementary school, grade 1, I "passed on" the violence that was done to me. I beat up other kids, one of them my cousin. Back then it felt like I had to, because if I had kept all that aggression and violence that "showered upon" me just in myself without passing it on, I would have died. My mother, her various boyfriends, my grandfather and two uncles would have killed me. I mean this. I guarantee you that beating someone up is a short-term relief thing. However, it comes with a long-term guilt, and I mean guilt and not feeling of guilt. If you beat someone up, you become a perpetrator yourself. The judgement about this ends right there. You don't go on saying: ... but he deserves it. ... but he did x, y, and z to me. The instant you cross someone's boundaries willingly, knowingly, consciously to hurt that person you are already a perpetrator. I was one and thanks to a child who I learned later had obviously been even more severely abused himself and whom I beat up while he froze with terror right under me, I saw that he was scared of me and I realized that I had become my mother. I realized that he was just as scared, just as trying to protect himself from me as I had always been from my mother. If there's something I never ever wanted it was being like my mother.

I did continue passing on that violence for a while; I did not know how to get out before I was a young teen and tried to stay away from people who were violent towards whoever.

I have talked to him about my feelings, but he just acts like what he didn't wasn't bad and that I should move on.

Unfortunately, and that is very sad, we can not control what other people do. You can not make a person become empathetic for you, feel for you, treat you right. There are tons of reasons or causes why people become like that or are like that but there is no use in looking for any of those as knowing them won't change a single thing. If they don't hear you, they don't hear you. Many abusers do not look at themselves and see themselves for who they are.

I have not been validated for what has happened to me.

Exactly. I think you're answering your own question right there. You have not been validated and are full of anger and maybe rage. I think it is vital to get validation in order to give up the anger and/or rage. Getting validation does not imply at all though that your brother has to give it to you. You can get validation from another person for what you have gone through with your brother. That can be anybody who really hears you when you tell them your story. Maybe, as I did, you will need validation from lots of people and not just one. Maybe just from one person who is very important to you.

Unfortunately, you can not make your brother validate you. I have tried with my abusers (not all) and with those who kept silent but knew. In the end, when my mother got sick and knew she would soon die, she wrote me a farewell letter giving me validation for one thing. I am grateful for that, very much so. Also, because I have it in writing. But it is also true that it came too late, nothing between us could have been fixed even if she had told me all that while she was still healthy. Also, it was for one kind of abuse, but there were many. I do think that her illness and the fact that she had to face having to die got her to think about herself and her relationships with people.

Fact is, validation, I think, is part of the answer to your question.

I'm always concerned that if I walk away from what happened, which I have for four years, I will not be able to live how I should... Pain free without toxic anger.

Walking away on the outside isn't enough. And in my experience, in order to be able to walk away on the inside, so to speak, you need validation. And no matter where you will find it, there will be the step of validating yourself in addtion to those who will validate you.

My pride feels damaged like "I didn't stand up for myself". I feel like revenge will restore my pride.

Are you sure it is pride you're talking about? What about dignity?

My main question is that if you KNOW that you were taken advantage of emotionally by someone, how can you be happy person unless you get revenge?

As said, validation is one thing. "Forgiving" is another. And I think that empathy and compassion is yet another. What I mean by this is that there are reasons why your brother became who he is. By saying this I am not making excuses for his behaviour at all, but there are reasons and causes why he is who he is.

To illustrate what I mean let me use my mother and me: I sometimes hate her for what she did to me. I still do and the rage that comes with it... wow... But at one stage, when I had completed the other stages (like validation and "forgiveness"), I had to face who my mother really was. What had made her the woman she was. I figured: Well, since one of my abusers was my grandfather, her father, WTF did he do to her? When I learned about my SA, I told her (long story short) and gave her copies from a book for family and friends of SA women. By reading those, she was suddenly able to identfiy her own SA. By her grandfather (my greatgrandfather). So, already two things she had in common with me. She was also traumatized severely. When she was 17, she got pregnant and her father sent her away for "what will the people say". She got sent 5 hours away in a teenagers and babies home. The village people were more important than her and me. What did her mother do? Nothing. She was taken back home after half a year, and the sole reason, as my mother perceived it, was me. She wrote in her letter that "they loved you but they didn't love me". She hated me because I got the "love" and "attention".

I am telling you so much about this because it is part of the big picture and that is important. When I feel rage about my mother, and I do sometimes, then I think of her situation and whoosh, there goes the rage. The rage gone doesn't mean that anything she did to me did not happen or was suddenly okay to have done. Zero. It was just as wrong, just as violent, just as hurtful and damaging, etc. But the rage is gone. Sometimes anger and rage are grief in disguise...

I need to restore my pride.

Again, couldn't it be dignity?

I hope you will find a way to get out of the anger and rage. It hurts you additionally to all you've been through and I do wish for a relief for you.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks for sharing insight and your story prime-no. It is true that over time, you are able to understand your perpetrators pretty well. My problem was that I tried to hurt my brother via silent treatment and guilt. I wasted so much energy trying to get back at him that I am a mess now. I'm concerned for my life.

I went to insane extremes that caused me to dig my own grave. The depression that was born because of my brothers actions led me to want to hurt him in order to get rid of the depression. Since my trauma, I have made decision based on emotion. They are not as rational as they used to be. In fact, they have ruined my life. I used to own a house 50/50 with my brother. After the trauma occurred, I took my name off of the deed. My goal was to get a career and prove to him that I didn't need to be a part of his life (co-owning the house) in order to succeed. After working 19 jobs and feeling stupid and depressed, I am still at square one. Rationally, I should have kept my name on the deed and had the house sold. Then we could have went our separate ways. He didn't want me to sell it along with my uncle, but at the end of the day, he still is who he is and I don't know if I can get 50% out of the house anymore. Legally, I can't. I hate myself for this decision. He still lives in the house. I had a fear of cutting ties with my family if i had it sold. Instead, I made myself a victim. He is now on a disability check and attending college and my uncle is living with him. I am not working, depressed, and about to kick the bucket. I hurt myself so much instead of just standing up for myself. I fed into my depression. Now, it has consumed me and I see a hopeless future. I feel like I gave up on life by not doing what was rational. I tried moving on, but knowing that I signed my name over makes me doubt what I can do anymore. I don't have a secure feeling anymore. I don't like how I operate as a person. Somehow, I put myself into a victim state. I know the difference between a victim and someone autonomous and content with themselves. My brother wants me to join the Army. I don't think it will solve my problem. He knows that I made a mistake and he capitalized like a parasite. He says he cares about me, but he opposes having the house sold and me getting my share. I spent so much time trying to help the people out that led to my demise. My uncle tells me "you lost, accept it." I was never competing! I'm concerned about dying because of my regret (not being able to solve my problem). Bottom line, the only think I can think of doing is hating myself. I've tried to be optimistic with myself for five years, but I can't keep myself up.

 

[Kat_9]

I know exactly how you feel! My step dad died when I was 15 and then a random man decided to throw himself in front of my car at age 17. I never used to get angry, but now it's everyday! I "snapped" the day my ex told me he was cheating on me. For years I would try and help those around me, only to be left angry because they weren't trying to help themselves so my life of helping was as I thought a waste of time, but I held my anger for years till the floodgates broke and now, after having all these events change my life I gave up on everything, I gave away most possessions and couldn't work due to fear. I've found that talking doesn't help, writing has helped, today I let the anger out on a punching bag, though do not use your hands you'll break a bone probably. I went at it with my broom, it's now in 3 pieces, but no one got hurt and I feel more calm.

I'm heading to the doc for the EMDR treatment in a couple of weeks, have you tried this? I've heard that people have had no PTSD symptoms after 8 sessions!!!! how it would be nice to be me again, to be proud again. Anyway let me know how you go, my "snap" was only a year ago, I don't know how you've dealt with this for 4 years!

I'm living with my boyfriend at the moment he has a drug problem but he is reducing it and getting better for me, all I want to do is leave and get a place of my own so I don't feel guilty. But due to my "snap" I always think he's the enemy, there's something sinister going on. I can't trust myself, and it's very rarely I trust him. He even stole my car so I wouldn't leave, I kept insisting that he was keeping me prisoner, even though I could have walked away, I told myself he has abandonment issues but I saw that I was doing it. No one was understanding, no one was helping, and I couldn't do it alone. So I've hit rock bottom and have a 4 year old daughter, if it wasn't for the fact that I didn't want to die, I wouldn't have been getting help. They also were what kept me grounded.

Even if your brother is being horrible about the house and not giving you your share use it, use it to give you a reason to strive on, you need to rise above it. Don't give up on everything because you may just end up being homeless on the street, and even if you feel no one else cares shouldn't you? It is the easy way out. I refuse to believe that there is no way out, even if there is no cure, I'm determined to get a hold of them by learning techniques from others. I am a very un-spiritual person, I'm completely on the science side of everything, but I've found that everything spiritual has scientific reasoning. You are having these issues because of a chemical imbalance, no it's not our fault but it is our body and how we choose to use it is how our lives will be influenced.

I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it'll get better, but I myself don't want to hear this, most of the time I just want someone to come in and take over so I can take a rest, but there is no rest in this life, even your holidays are stressful (which is our main problem "stress!"). Find things that help, I'm on my longest break from work 2 months so far, I've tried quite a few jobs and failed due to at least one symptom from my PTSD. This week I'm applying for disability, I hate the notion of it, but these payments were made for a reason and I dont see it as such a bad thing as it's given me the opportunity to go back to school and study psychology and it's only short term.

I found a cleaning company run for people who are struggling, this way I can't be fired and on my own terms I can not leave without discussing it with the manager. Create a safety net for yourself so you can't do anything until you've calmed down.

All suggestions, I'm kind of new to this, but I've found talking to others through this forum and noticing their "slip ups" on rationality is helping me notice my own. because suddenly I'm giving the same advice others are giving me.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Kat_9, be careful regarding your boyfriend's drug problem. Druggies can start to lie and try to make you feel bad so you will stay with them. It's just sickening how bad I was treated. My problem is that I believe that only if the house gets sold and I get the portion of the money that I put into it, I will never be able to succeed. The source of all of my depression and PTSD symptoms are because I didn't follow through when life was so demanding. I folded. I tried my best though. This feeling of "I should have sold the house and kept my name on the deed and I would have been able to finish my degree and not have depression" won't leave my psyche. It makes me want to commit suicide. Even if I would become a success (i.e., a teacher, etc), making that big of a mistake seems to discredit my capabilities anymore. I would have gotten at least $20,000 if the house was sold. That's more than enough to start fresh. Fear stopped me from selling the house because I wasn't strong enough to handle isolation and basically complete family opposition. The thought of my brother living in the house makes me want to kill myself. The thought of my brother living the life how he wants to in the house makes me want to kill myself. Can one mistake ruin you for the rest of your life? I haven't been able to feel comfortable with myself for 5 years. How many more years do I have to endure this feeling before I finally end life's demonic chatter by offing myself? How can someone let go of all of this? I feel like this big mistake alienated me from everyone else. They seem to have the will that was never diminished because they were able to persevere through all of their decision. I can sense their normalcy.

Scenario:
1. Two brothers pay $15,000 each to pay off house (both are co-owners)
2. One brother is in college, the other becomes a drug addict
3. Money gets low for both brothers
4. One brother wants to sell, but the drug addict brother and the uncle insist for the house not be sold. The drug addict brother and the uncle are both on disability.
5. The brother in college is in a dilemma. Both parents are dead and he will have to go against his close family in order to have the house sold. The brother in college has a breakdown.
6. The brother in college decided to forfeit his name on the title and prove to his drug addict brother and antagonist uncle that he will succeed without selling the house.
7. Time goes by and the brother in college realizes that he intentionally ruined his chances of success. He realized that if the house was sold, both the drug addict brother and uncle could move into subsidized housing (especially since they are on disability). Instead they are living in a $45,000 to $60,000 house.
8. Brother in college wonders why he was so stupid.

There has to be a way to remedy my situation. I used to have a life. I grew up in that house. How can I deny all of my past?

 

[The Albatross]

Thinking Man... perhaps a good place to start might be picking apart the belief that your life isn't worth living with the script and grievances you have running in your head.

My father's second wife robbed my dad's estate with my brother's complicity to the tune of over $150,000. She was dying of breast cancer and I had to make a decision to sue and kick her out of their home of 25 years... or pray that she wouldn't continue to borrow up to 125% of the house before her death. My brother didn't believe me. Our relationship is still broken over this. My uncle, my dad's eldest brother, didn't believe me either until I went out of pocket another $150 to provide them with the liens from the various banks against the house (public domain, freedom of information for a nominal fee).

I was vindicated at her death and my uncles and her family were quite shocked. My brother, however had a vested interest in choosing her over me.. her estate was valued over $400,000. He benefited greatly and was rewarded in her will. It hurt me so badly that I never got, in 3 years the apology I so desperately wanted. After 3 years, and being maligned to our own mother by he and his wife, I cut him off. We have had no contact for over 6 years.

It is easy to think that everything would be better with a "do over"... but the sad fact is, what happened happened to me. And to you.

We still have a life. Both you and I made decisions that were consistent with our values. There is no shame in that. I wouldn't and couldn't kick a dying woman out of her home after being my father's second wife of many years and sue the estate for trustee.... You, were in a desperate position and needed out of the situation so badly that you chose to take your name off the deed.

You lost your portion of the family home. I lost half of my lawful inheritance. I thought I was saving my relationship with my brother... but that didn't happen. It was his choice, not mine. Though I was keeping an open wound... and injuring myself with worry, angst, and regret. I chose to close the door on the relationship because at some point I realized I was hurting myself. I think you may need to do that too.

It sucks, it's not fair, but when I finally could do that... I began to take my life back. I hope you can too. :hug: I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Albatross, I am sorry that you lost half of your lawful inheritance. Disconnecting ties with siblings (and family in particular) seems to be best when they become immoral. The problem arose when I wanted to help them when they had become immoral. It is how I grew up... helping family. Money can make people change. I didn't realize that until I was at the recieving end.

Currently, my dilemma is wondering what I should do. Because of the decision I made (giving up my name on the deed), there is an inferior feeling. My emotions, behavior, and way of thinking all seem to be affected. EVERYTHING bad that has happened to me was because of the choice that I made. I feel like I have to restore my confidence and adapt to everything properly and all will be working out again. Because of the mistake that I made, advice seems to be what is best for me. I want to be certain that logically what I will do will be the best choice since last time, I didn't follow through. This time around, I want to start off clean and legitimate.

Because I signed my name over on the deed, my brother doesn't want me to recieve half of the money if the house was sold. However, he is accepting in me getting back the money that I put into the house to have it payed off, which is $15,000. He said that he is going to sell it someday, but he doesn't know when. And when the house is sold, I would get $15,000. He even told me that I can get a deed written up where it states, by law, that I will recieve $15,000 after the house is sold. I could wait for the house to be sold, but I don't know if it actually will. He has agreed to have the house sold now, but he doesn't want to do it because he is enrolled in college. So, I could continue to pressure him into selling the house now so I could get my money. However, I would have to wait 6 months to possibly two years or longer for the house to sell. With my history in my home city, it is hard for me to want to stay a minute longer. A third option that I was thinking of was possibly having my uncle get a 10 year home equity loan for $15,000. Upon my brother's consent, my uncle could put his name on the deed as a co-owner and use the house as collateral. Then my uncle would pay me the $15,000 and pay off the loan himself. Therefore, it would be like my uncle "paying me off" for the $15,000 that I put into the house. My uncle's benefit would be that he can legally own $15,000 worth of the house. The last option could be that I could continue to try to get over what happened, not have contact with my brother and uncle, and try to succeed with no financial security.

Any advice would be appreciated.