Repressed Anger Ruining My Life

[Thinkingman85]

Minneapolis, MN

I just hope my depression doesn't ruin my life. Five years has been too long.

 

[saffy]

Very nice, look like there is plenty to do. Have you been there before?

If you did not move here what else could you change in your situation that would help?

If you found a place to live there what else would be making you stay in the status quo?

Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

Yep, I've been there before. My depression is what concerns me. I am pretty sure that I have a clinical depression. Whenever I try to do something productive, there is a depressive response that makes me feel like I don't want to live. Also, I am in a chronic depressive state of mind. I am a chronically depressed person. It's been like this for five years. I thought the feeling would have gone away by now, but it won't. I'm going to continue therapy and start taking an SSRI. I've tried nutrition, exercise, philosophy, religion, psychology.... basically everything, but the depression won't go away. What's sad is that the only belief that gives me comfort is that my severe depression will disappear if I beat my brother, uncle, and a gay guy that sexually violated me into oblivion. I haven't done that yet though. My goal right now is to feel good again so I can make sound decisions without this depressive influence. I can ONLY function if this depression is taken care of. I did live in Minneapolis for a month, but the depression was still there. The only thing that I've learned so far, from experience, is that without punishing those that hurt me, I have suffered the most I ever have in my life. I am at the worst point in my life and I'm 26. I'm sick of running in circles. This depression will be defeated. Life is not going to steal my happiness.

 

[saffy]

Hi thinkingman85,

Do you punish yourself deep down or subconscously for feeling happy and therefore sabotage anything that might change what you have? I am just trying to understand a bit more. :)

I have suffered depression and have boughts but I would not say chronic so I am not even going to try to imagine how bad that must be for you, it just belittles it.

It does sound like you will not forgive yourself unless you have closure and the only closure you can see at the moment is a violent ending.

I think if you take ssri combined with therapy it will help. Until you have closure I would think you will always have this deep feeling of dread and hatred. Finding closure in other ways than violence is a journey you will have to take at some point as so far it has just been debilitating.

You don't have to rush the healing process but you do have to start it :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[The Albatross]

My father and others in his side have been diagnosed with clinical depression. They are treated and lead useful and relatively symptomatic free lives. I'm "situationally depressive" and manage my own thinking and feeling... though I test out "low normal range" serotonin. Glad you had a session and that you're determining to deal with the depression.

I too enjoy Tao and have enjoyed reading and thinking on these things. My grandfather on my mothers side (and my father of choice) had similar inclinations. He was a naval ambassidor to Occupied China. I still have his "monk riding the ox". If you're not familiar with the art of ox herding and Lao Tzu it's interesting. http://www.penninetaichi.co.uk/index_files/laotzuox.pdf

There is also a buddhist pathway to enlightenment, a parable about oxen. My grandfathers pair of oxen with monks riding on their backs and my pechant for Cat Stevens "Catch Bull at Four"... made me curious enough to look for it when I was younger. The pair have a prominent place in my home even though I'm a Christian: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Bulls

 

[The Albatross]

Thinking Man, you seem reluctant to accept what is offered ($15K) and perhaps close this chapter of your discontent. But only you can know what would be acceptable to you. I think you shared at one point acceptable options and I may be mistaken that this offer would be one of them. It is understandable though to feel conflicted. Clearly, you need to close this chapter of your life. I hope that it goes down in a favorable way for you.

 

[Thinkingman85]

There are just so many variables that I seem to not be able to have myself grounded. First is my severe depression. Second is resolving what happened to me. My therapist told me that I probably fell into a clinical state of depression because of all that happened in my life and it was overwhelming. So much stuff has happened and I just want to get away. I feel like if I do attempt to get away, my depression will kill my motivation. That is why there is always conflict. I feel like a lot of people in my city don't like me anymore. My depression has left me feeling like a ghost for five years... like death is touching my soul. Even if I do get the 15k, I don't want to fight my feelings like I've had to for the past five years. I'm concerned that is what will happen. I'm concerned that I'm too depressed of a person to be able to function in the world again.

 

[The Albatross]

Deal with the depression first... ask your family to table the offer. When you restore yourself to balance and levity you can make a decision. Death has touched your soul... you suffered the loss of both your parents and may have been stuck in grieving. What I see is a man conflicted and who needs to be restored to balance in as much as he can before he can make such a life changing decision. You need levity to be able to separate your issues... rather than lumping them all together like Atlas, bending with the weight of "the world" on his shoulders. Be kind and gentle to yourself... approach your family with your present situation and allow yourself to receive some therapeutic clarity.

 

[Thinkingman85]

You're right. The weight of the world was on my shoulders and the depression knocked me down. Thanks for the insightful response. This depression will go away.

 

[The Albatross]

The first step in initiating significant change, is recognizing your own needs and barriers. If you are a student of Tao... you know the importance of perception. I'm so proud of you for seeing a therapist and taking steps to address your depressive aspect. I think you're stepping in the right direction. Balance before major decisions.

 

[The Albatross]

Looking forward to your response to Morty Lefkoe's (sp?) changing core beliefs. If I'm allowed I'm giving you a hug right now. :hug:

 

[Thinkingman85]

Yep. It is said that if a glass of water and dirt is stirred, there will be chaos. The only way for the water to be clear again is stillness. The dirt will then sink to the bottom. Therapy, medication, perception, and prudence is my stillness.