Repressed Anger Ruining My Life

[The Albatross]

The interesting aspect of your analogy is the nature of water... water seeks it's own level (balance). Stillness has never been my ambition. Peace has been my ambition. Peace in all things. I think for me the benefit of Tai Chi... bending/yielding, pushing/pulling ... has taught me the fluidity of not just movement but life. Maybe you can get your butt into a class and start building yourself up with chi breathing. I benefited a lot from that and I keep coming back.... though grey and older. It is my touch stone and life is breath.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I agree that peace in all things is a good thing to aspire to. When I speak of stillness, I am referring to balance. I want balance and peace of mind. Peace of mind notably. Like Gandhi said, "be the change you want to see in the world". It's hard for me to work on helping sustain peace in the world when my psyche is hurt by a gay guy being deceptive. The depression continues to try to influence the way I see the world. I notice that my minds sets itself up for developing further depression. Psychology is the modality that I'm focused on implementing. I think it is the only option left. It is what can get me back in tune. Tai Chi will come, but I don't think it will resolve what I have to deal with.

 

[The Albatross]

You might be very surprised how easy peace can come. Learning the basic 164 movements... and how to be in the moment fluidly... well that was my first taste.

 

[The Albatross]

It's hard for me to work on helping sustain peace in the world when my psyche is hurt by a gay guy being deceptive. The depression continues to try to influence the way I see the world. I notice that my minds sets itself up for developing further depression.

A dove with a broken wing is still a dove. There may be pain, there may be an inability to fly... but it is still a dove. (Waxing a bit too philosophical now even for my own taste). Your mind sets you up further because it is giving you more of what it things you want. Brains aim to please. Literally.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I've fought against my depression for five years. I had a job, a girlfriend, made music, performed in Pittsburgh, Columbus, and Wheeling... many things. Even when I was on stage performing (which is amazingly satisfying in my life), depression was working and keeping me feeling down. There is something wrong. I've taken big steps and every step had depression attached... for five years. At he gym... depression. During martial arts training (Brazilian Jujitsu, Wing Chun, Jeet Kune Do, Kali, Boxing, Kickboxing, Iaido, and others)... depression. 24/7... depression. I notice that whenevr I do try to do things, messages of emotional abuse pop in (from my older brother and the gay guy) and make me feel like I can't do it, I shouldn't do it, I'm a bitch (sorry for the vulgarity), or I don't deserve to live. I've had the "it's all in my head approach for five years, but something is wrong.

 

[The Albatross]

I think, like I said above somewhere... you're on the right track with a therapist and perhaps being screened for clinical depression. I hope it gets better for you soon... VERY soon, Thinking Man.