Repressed Anger Ruining My Life

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks for the responses. Saffy, your response is very insightful.

It's just hard realizing all that happened to me. Working everything out is something I don't know that I can do. Because of what happened, there are instilled subconscious beliefs that I am weak and I allow people to take advantage. There is shame in maintaining relationships. I'm sick of feeling like I didn't add up. Life is punishing me for not standing up when I tried my best during trying times.

I can't hold down a job in my city anymore. Why should I work here when 10 miles down the road, I'll see that damn house? It's been five years. I shouldn't still be thinking about this.

I have suffered so much emotionally that I can't find myself. I never had concentration problems, emotional problems, relationship problems, mental dyslexia problems, an inferiority complex. I feel much less masculine than what I should be.

It's easy to notice because there was a pre-trauma me and a post-trauma me. I tried to embrace the post-trauma me, but, in reality, I'm worse than the pre-trauma me. I had my thyroid and testosterone levels checked, and they are normal. Stress and depression are probably causing these attributes. It's hard having the motivation and envisioning seeing myself having pride, integrity, and happiness after all that has happened.

There is always a voice telling me "move out of your city!", but will that restore me as a person? I've been hurt, and I am concerned that I won't heal. Usually, people keep a sense of who they are if they go through a bad scenario, and they pick themselves back up.

I lost sense of who I am after everything.

 

[The Albatross]

Beliefs that are detrimental or ineffective, can be examined with the adult mind... challenged and changed. I had to do this. You are not a victim of beliefs that do not serve you in a beneficial way Thinking Man. If I can find the link I used a long time ago to crack the lid on how to form new effective beliefs I'll send it to you.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I agree. I spoke with my brother today when I was walking in the city. He told me that he is willing to have my uncle become a co-owner of the house. My uncle would then get a home equity loan for $15,000 and pay it to me. the future can be bright. The question is if I can live with my mistakes. I was thinking of using the money to move to Minneapolis, get an apartment, a part time job, and enroll in college. My past is like a demon. I hope that I'm strong enough to exercise it.

 

[saffy]

There is always a voice telling me "move out of your city!",

Yes I understand that too well. but by diggin your heels in your life is still focused on something you actually cannot change now. It must be hard to walk past or see something that you are still very upset about and you have every right to feel let down? disappointed? frustrated? manipulated? what ever they did to you has caused you to question your own beleifs and self.

However, If their behaviour was more positve and acceptable you could have dealt with it better at the time, the fact they are the type of people they are has made you feel like a victim, but you are keeping that going by feeding it with this anger.

Im not saying you have to forgive to move on, not at all, but you can forgive yourself and start working on you and looking after you so tomorrow your life will be how you want it, not how someone else has made you feel you should be, if that makes sense.

A lot of people move away to start a fresh, but it depends what else you are leaving behind.

I really hope you find the answer. Sometimes I sit a write a time diary of events to see how and why things got like they did and list all the qualities that the person had, 9x out of ten I realise that I am a the good person and deserved much better and although I might have been foolish to not see it happen or see it coming, Im only human and cannot see everything, especially if other factors fuzz the reality.

Hugs
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

Only getting $15,000 back makes me sick. They are family and they still act evil. I don't have my mother and father. My home city has a tarnish. I always feel this evil defensive characteristic of all of the residents. I try to be nice and cool with people, but it doesn't work out. Since all the shit happened, it's how I feel now. I angry that I am always depressed. I shouldn't be. I just want it to go away.

 

[saffy]

Only getting $15,000 back makes me sick

Hi thinkingman85

Yes that must make you feel shafted in all directions. Put in a positive way you have the money to make a fresh start. To leave all these triggers behind and realise there are good people out there too. You can be more fussy on who you make friends with, new bounderies you can make for yourself and impliment. It will be hard granted but it will be new too.

Some of my old friends had this debate years ago, spent years sitting in the same place unhappy, moving and admitting that it is the best thing they could have done. There is a whole big world out there with lots more opportunities if you want them.

How much longer do you want to feel like this?

I really hope you can find the right path leading to a better happier life. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

I agree Saffy. I just have to restore my confidence enough in order to make the big step.

 

[saffy]

restore my confidence

That is what you should be focusing on only. What can you do for you?

I did some self help a while ago based on taoism and the power of now. It really helped me get things into perspective and let go of a lot of unimportant things in my life that were causing a lot of inner conflict.

One thing I tried was this:
Find a quiet space and sit with your eyes closed with no distractions. Start to recognise the feeling of completely emptying your head of thoughts, go blank and hold that. At that particular moment in time there is no hurt, no pain, no worry, no guilt and no self loathing. At this moment you are just you as you are in peace, still breathing, still living. Remember this feeling of peace.

From your place of peace start to think of one thing at a time things in the room around you, ask yourself on each one 'are you important or not'? I mean really important. Do this for a things then find your place of peace. Remember that feeling.


I practised this a lot because I learnt to like that place of peace, I learnt that I only have to focus or worry about things that are really important, for me it was my kids, my animals and my life. Everyone else would only be there if they were beneficial to my feeling of peace. And if not, and I started to get dialogue or negative feelings, I could move away and find my place of peace again. I felt less angry and irritable, there was less 'inner dialogue' and things seemed easier for some reason.

There are a lot of very profound and interesting taoist stories and teaching out there that make sense for me. It has educated me in the ways of the world in a way and that makes me feel better, less alone.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

I am not saying this was easy but I can

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks saffy. Eckharte Tolle is definitely a good philosopher.

All that we have is this moment. Being present is what matters. In Taoism, the master acts without doing anything. I believe that if you are doing what is true to you, there is no effort involved. The Tao Te Ching is like my bible. I appreciate the meditation and focusing method you're talking about. I have tried focusing before. I still do. It's just a feeling for me. There's always a depression. Even if I'm in the now, depression is in the now. Even when I focus on what is important, depression is in the background.

One thing that I constantly think about is if I move to Minneapolis, will the depression subside? There's a part of me that instinctually expresses yes. I moved to Minneapolis before, but I didn't have much money and I had to work two jobs just to get by. I felt relieved being away from my home city, but there was still a depression.

I don't know if my depression is because of my circumstances, what happened to me, or a chemical imbalance. I am taking the steps necessary to confront this. The fact remains that I have had a chronic depression for five years. When this depression is taken care of, I will be able to restore my confidence. I had my first therapy session today and my therapist told me that there are probably just some issues that I have to deal with and resolve and I'll be able to go on my way. He doesn't think that I should apply for disability or anything like that.

 

[saffy]

There's a part of me that instinctually expresses yes

Why don't you try this part of you for a change.:)

I can understand that you might be in doubt but you are only fighting with yourself. Your T is right in a way but she is being a bit vague, these issues are obviously what are holding you back and you should be trying to figure them out. Maybe there are some issues to be resolved, you just haven't figured out what they are and how yet. When you do it will be like a rush in the right direction, things start to make sense and with that you find peace. There is no time limit to healing I like think.

You sound like you need some joy back into your life to lift the dark, something so important it makes you smile inside everytime you think about it. I really hope this darkness lifts for you.

Did you know avoidance is also a thought process and behaviour of PTSD? ;)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

When you say I need joy back in my life, the thought that pops up is being in a big city with much diversity and there are things that I can look forward to. If I left, I'd have to do it completely alone. My soul keeps nagging me though. For many years, I forced myself to be involved in my home city, but there was always a depression. The depression got so strong that I just stopped being involved... The pain associated with everything I was doing wasn't worth it.

 

[saffy]

a big city with much diversity and there are things that I can look forward to.

You might not have time to be lonely here :) It sounds great! Loads of different people with different attitudes to meet and lots of different things to experience even by yourself if you want, nothing wrong with that either :)

Which City?

Saffy :)