Girlgirlgirl
Bronze Member
So, a few weeks ago a trauma "therapist" told me a lot of really deranged things about a rape that I experienced. We didn't have the best therapeutic relationship, but I was trying to communicate so maybe he could make the therapy better for me. He was a little bit of a quack and liked to tell me things wrong with my personality without offering solutions (for example saying I had a small amount of a personality disorder although admitting I don't qualify for the personality disorder at all), so that just made me feel bad about myself, when everyone has aspects of personality disorders in their personality without qualifying for a diagnosis. I probably should have stopped seeing him because I picked up weird vibes from him-almost like hate & judgment. However, I have a dissociative disorder so I am not in touch with my feelings & some people said I should try to communicate with him. So anyways, he told me a lot of really violent & deranged things in our last session. He was basically implying that the rape could have been prevented better, which is the opposite of what you are supposed to say to rape victims. I have spent a year doing EMDR with this guy and before my Ptsd was about avoidance but now, I am sort of obsessive & I wouldn't say I feel much better. I told him I was now obsessed & he said maybe I didn't fear rape enough before so my ptsd brought me to a normal level of fear that other women experience, as if I'm some freak woman who doesn't experience enough fear.he also spent a lot of time teaching me to "fear" more in previous sessions, which is unforunate since I suffer from severe anxiety due to my ptsd and ddnos. I told him I thought it was inappropriate & not why I was in therapy during the last session and I was crying about victim blaming & he kept saying horrible things to me (I wanted to go to therapy specifically for symptom reduction of ptsd). Then he said he was not victim blaming but that I was a "gutsy girl" and needed to fear more; he connected the "gutsy girl" thing to a previous child abuse experience where I stood up against an adult for abusing me, which is another traumatic subject that I have a lot of emotion around. Then he said the rape was "a haaaaard way to learn" for me to learn that rape actually happens, but I needed to learn some way. Since then, I have been incredibly destabilized & retraumiatzed. I was crying for a long time after the sessions & still have been and it's been about a month now. I am not sure what to do; I want to forget what he said to me. I feel so incredibly retraumatized & betrayed. Like, why would he continue saying these things to me after I start crying? I just don't know what to do, since I had the "therapy" with him I am now OBSESSED with the traumas more than I was before, like literally everything reminds me of them now & he attacked me really bad in the last session, I feel like I will have actual ptsd from it & I am worried I might be developing ptsd from having him as a therapist. I just don't know what to do to get what he said to me out of my mind, because it won't leave. I acknowledge intellectually he's a quack, but unforunately ptsd is not that logical... I have a new therapist I see in 2 weeks, so maybe I'll talk to her about it then. It just bothers me that he was so unethical, condescending, traumatizing, deranged, lacked empathy and also lacked the ability to accept responsibility for his mistakes. He also would act like if I didn't agree with something he said it was me being evil, when some of the things he was saying were incredibly problematic. He had told me I was evil at one point, which was why he thought I should be a lawyer. I just can't get it out of my head, due to the nature of PTSD & the fact that traumatic incidents are very sensitive subjects, so when someone attacks those, it can stick! if anyone knows something that can help please let me know :''''( i just want to forget & move on, hopefully never come across another therapist like him again! (or person, lol)
