Returning To Area Of Trauma For Extended Visit

[becvan]

For those of you without knowledge of my history: Four years ago I moved to my location now, for medical care and to remove myself from my area of trauma. My hometown is where most of my trauma took place and just being in the area was making me ill at that time.

In about four hours from now I will be heading back to my hometown. It will be the first time I've gone back for longer than a day. I'm going for a full ten days! The whole family is going (my son, my dog and I) and we are all staying at Dean's house (boyfreind.)

I'm really looking forward to the longer visit. I'm also anxious to see how I do. Will my symptoms get worse? Will my anxiety increase? How will I handle it? Staying at Deans, we will have greater control over some triggers as he can answer the phone and door to avoid those people that are just going to set me spinning. (pre-planned some of it hehehe) It also gives me that refuge where we can just shut the doors and hide and I know I'm safe with him. So I'm not expecting a really huge increase in symptoms but I am expecting some.

So I'm kinda starting this thread for duel purposes. First off I'm gonna need someplace to vent/talk about how it's going down there. Secondly I want to log how I'm doing with symptoms and compare those with how I was doing there four years ago.

So pre-trip: Currently I'm very excited. I have no fear or anxiety at all. However the last week has been hell. I've had severe IBS issues, I have not slept much and major anxiety over possible bad situations. I'm still not asleep (as you can tell since it's 4 am here!) I also can barely eat. I think it's mostly due to the IBS but I do lose my appetite every time my stress goes up so maybe a double whammy there.

A situation did pop up already with my brother. However after two days of venting with Dean I have settled down and determined a way to handle it with minimal stress. So I am expecting bullshit from family members because it's already started.

So that is where I'm at right now! I'm waiting for everyone to wake up (other than my faithful puppy who stayed up with me) and finish packing so we can head out of dodge! I'll update within the next day or two!

Wish me luck!
bec

 

[cherryblossom]

Good luck Bec. I hope it all goes well for you. Enjoy your trip, and remember you have that safe refuse at Deans, where you can shut the door on any bullshit. Just wondered if your IBS is worsened by stress, I believe it can be for a lot of people.

Oh, and try to get some sleep! Have fun

 

[Nicolette]

Wishing you all the strength to overcome your fears (anxiety), all the happiness with Dean which will overshadow the past, and for Matt a great holiday with only good memories.

Looking forward to the updates.

Make sure you don't drive and get to nap in the Dodge.

 

[becvan]

Thanks both of you! I'm not driving, Dean is. :) So I can nap in the truck if need be. My IBS is almost always set off by stress. LOL hence why I can't overcome it! and Dean is up so soon I'll finish packing! :)

 

[Cheshire]

Wishing you luck and peace :) xx

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Good luck, Bec!

I'm thinking of you and hoping you master the dragons.
It's great that you won't be away from the forum, so you can come here and vent!

When I had to be with family a few years ago, I had phone appointments (almost daily) with my Ts, to help me manage ongoing abuse and triggers while there. It was incredibly helpful, and kept me sane ;). Is that anything you could do, if you needed to?

Good luck!
Love,
Deer

 

[intothelight]

Hi Bec,

I hope you find this trip very healing. Keep us posted on the progress. I am very interested in how this works for you.

Deb

 

[Ron]

Keep us posted Bec, good luck !

 

[ronin47]

I pray that you will come away from your trip feeling not only at peace but empowered for facing the origin of your trauma successfully.

 

[becvan]

Well I have been here four days now. When I got here Friday I had not slept since Wednesday. I was really exhausted and really wound up. It was a nice trip up and I really enjoyed seeing everyone. I had a bit of meltdown in the truck late in the evening due to stress, lack of sleep and lack of food. Saturday I was so exhausted I was in slow mode but it was a nice quiet family day with minimal stress. Sunday was Dean's birthday and very very busy. I had quite a few mini-meltdowns throughout the day but everyone was good about it and I was able to calm down. Today I had very little sleep and a huge trigger late in the afternoon. One of my violent "stalkers" drove right by me and then I was told how wonderful of a neighbor this piece of crap is. I kept my mouth shut and did really good at the time. However we went home shortly after that and I slept hard for about four hours. I had some serious nightmares about just about everything I have seen or done here. So I am doing really well so far but I am already completely exhausted from it all. I'm in slowdown mode and don't really care how little or how much I see anyone currently. I know that I really need to make sure I get sleep right now and keep things a bit quieter for awhile.

bec

 

[Nicolette]

You're doing well Bec. Listening to your body & looking after yourself is the smartest thing you can do. Keep up the great work.

 

[becvan]

Well I'm really on take it easy mode. I'm only visiting with maybe one person per day if that. I'm happy just to bomb around home and then visit with Dean and his family for the most part.

I did have a meltdown 2 days ago, however, that was over an ex-girlfriends of Deans and really has nothing to do with me coming to visit. We have the situation mostly under control so it's just a matter of both of us communicating over it and me not flipping out. Ha ha. I did recover from that rather quickly.

Tonight I'm having some severe issues but it's flashback related with 2 past incidences. One is a trauma that no one really knows about because it was recent and I've yet to talk about it and the other is being triggered from the most recent one! I did try to write in my trauma diary but my laptop mousepad killed the post. I'll try again after I get a new mouse for this thing!

I have yet to get through the hardest part of this visit which is visiting with my grandfather in the "retirement" home. Last time I seen him he was still living on his farm and doing well. Now he is in a wheelchair, completely deaf and has dementia. Dean is going to come with me because I know I'm going to have a hard time with that. Just the news of his condition had sent me spinning.

So I think I'm doing well. There have been issues but I'm working through them. The fallout hasn't been anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be or wouldn't be. LOL. Unexpected issues have come up and it has either been handled or I know what I need to do to handle it. All in all I'm proud of myself and quite happy it's going so well.

Thanks for all the continued support. It means a lot to me.

bec