Risking Reaching Out

[Tinyflame]

Alex you sound unique and very very brave. :tup::)
Don't feel ashamed.

 

[Icon Nikon]

Junebug, I've been called many things, good and bad, true and untrue, but never with the simple word unique. Kind of touching to be described by a word that captures both how I feel and the experiences that defined who I became. As for being brave, I don't feel so brave as I continue to feel unworthy and retreat, but I will keep re-reading it and try to let it sink in.

You, in turn, sound like a very upbeat and caring person (unless you hide or prefer to focus on you). In any case, you are here for a reason and I have for the most part been described as a empathic listener.

Thank you for welcoming me and encouraging me to "walk down off my shame mountain" or "wade my way through the shame swamp" - a much needed reminder.

Glad I summoned the courage to become a member and meet such kind souls like you.

Alex

 

[Icon Nikon]

Oops! Obviously forgot to turn off italics, my bad.

 

[Icon Nikon]

I sincerely apologize to the members and the forum for errantly, yet unintentionally, misusing the quote and italics features. I am stuck using a small mobile device and 1) failed to scroll down when replying to the thread and 2) forget to turn off italics after one important word.

Please forgive me. I guess it's best to sign off now. Perhaps if I find the courage to return, I will mess up less frequently. Regardless, I want you all to know that the kindness you extended to me during this time of overwhelming loneliness, loss, and grief has meant a great deal. Thanks and all the best to you all.

Alex

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome Icon Nicon... lots of support here, glad to see you posting and I'm sorry for the loss of your furry friends. I've got one right now, a 13 month old feline, who's got a difficulty that vet's can't seem to get a handle on right now. I'm trying to do what I can do and be observant for signs of a ruptured esophagus. She is our youngest feral... and a rescue. I was "unexplained infertility" and not able to bear childeren... and I've got a 4 species household... so I can relate with what you shared about your furry friends. Glad you're here... My exhusband, one of my abusers was from Philly... near Roosevelt Blvd, and near A1A... (I blocked the street but remember the neighborhood). No hard feelings about Philly though, I'd like to take my 2nd husband up to a Mummers Parade one year.

 

[amethist]

Alex there is no need to leave the forum, just because you made a few mistakes that were corrected easily.

Most new members make mistakes, then move forward. Learning is also by making mistakes, where ever you are and what ever you do.

It is when you give in, that you dont move forward.

Take care and give yourself some credit for being here in the first place, that was a big step to take, just take smaller ones now.

Amethist.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Alex, I feel lousy too, for sometimes the smallest of reasons.
-Please don't, it's ok, like Amethist said.
You should just feel good you posted- more guts than I would have had, took me forever.

You are very kind yourself and I would miss your posts.
And I did/ do mean every word I say.

(and yes, I'm a 'hider' :), lol)

 

[Icon Nikon]

Am trying my best to hear all of you and not run away. After all, I've rarely ever had someone trustworthy to run to. From the outset, my mother was my primary abuser while my father chose to abuse me as well, just in a different form. One might hope that that was the end of it, but my two brothers did their fair share and then served me up to their friends as a party favor. After that it was a math teacher who "befriended" a silently lost kid, and later the first psychologist I ever had the money to afford (he finally had his license revoked just a few years back - at least a wee bit of justice). Sometimes I wonder how I even hold my head up at all - not so much for the earlier years, but for the later ones, when I was technically "an adult". And why the loss of two very important anchors in my life has left me frozen and hopeless. So, it is literally hard for me to hear all of you over my own "inherited internalized image" of myself as pond scum.

Much obliged for all that you've said Junebug. I am truly indebted to you and your judgment free generosity. If I feel worthy of contributing to this forum in the future, you surely can feel free to "hide in plain sight with me".

Didn't mean to ignore your support, The Albatross, just too entrenched and angry with myself to think that I have anything of value to say. What I can say in response is that I lost my ovaries to cancer when I was 20. I tried to adopt but according to child welfare services at the time I was "an unfit candidate" not because of my past or income but because I was either 1) unacceptably gay with a partner or 2) "single" and working too many hours without any "spousal" support. Oh the irony! I am really sorry to hear about your own personal struggles and your ailing little furry one (will hope for some good news). And btw, for many years I marched and played with the Mummers on New Years Day - but that's another Italian/Irish tale best told over a pint or two of ale - oh those bitter cold January days...

I will at least try to pop in to see how you all are doing. Compassion is after all a two-way street.

Crazy Alex (who's feeling quite young and afraid to go to sleep)

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Alex, for your sweet words.

You're doing great, just rest your eyes and maybe with any luck your body will follow.:sleep:

 

[Mercy]

[DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/javascript:;"]:)[/DLMURL]Welcome Icon Nikon, I am fascinated with your nom de plume. Are you named after St. Nikon? Do you make computer icons or veneration icons? I make liturgical icons on wooden boards with gessoe and egg tempera. Sorry if that is too many questions[DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/javascript:;"]:oops:[/DLMURL]. You can start a conversation with me if you like. The conversation tab is up near your name.

[DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/javascript:;"]:tup:[/DLMURL]I am very encouraged by you and your willingness to let some of your pain and difficulties out. [DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/javascript:;"]:([/DLMURL]You have had so many losses in a short time. Sending you sleepy, lullaby thoughts, You know that one about when the wind blows the cradle will fall AND WE WILL CATCH BABY CRADLE AND ALL. What perfect idiot thought up the usual ending....[DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/javascript:;"]:cautious:[/DLMURL]

 

[jimmy-joe]

Do you like to take photos?

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Alex,

You have a lot of important things to say. We can all learn from your openness and your skill with words. You are a very welcome member here.

There is nothing 'unfit' about you. The adoption system is damaged in this country. There are some great documentaries out who demonstrate those issues.

I personally look forward to learning from you about all kinds of issues. The more identities you have as you mentioned earlier the harder life in the mainstream is. You are able to name the problems as you see them. That is an incredible skill.

Bright, my cuddly little service dog in the picture, sends you big doggie wags. He is a gentle giant. He also loves cats and has made every cat that he has ever met his best friend. I have no idea how he does that. The two of us live in a very 4-legged world.

I have also learned how hard it is to lose a 4-legged unconditional friend when my dog who raised me passed away. It is gut-wrenching. It took me many years until I was ready to apply for the service dog I now have. He is so much more than a service dog to me.

Please stay around and share your wisdom...