Risking Reaching Out

[Icon Nikon]

Hey there Deaf Global Nomad (like very much),

Thanks for the compliment about my writing - although in this instance I feel you have been overly generous. (oh, before I forget I like the thoughtful ideas and questions you gave to Anthony about the future path forward of this forum).

You show great kindness in your words to others, just hope you treat yourself with that same level of kind acceptance.

As for my written words, I always feared (and with good reason) writing ANYTHING down, and so none of it comes easy to me. I usually start off thinking I'll write a brief reply (a PhD would say a parsimonious one), but then start to fear that my response may be taken the wrong way and end up unintentionally hurting someone. Words have great power, both good and bad, and I try to respect them in that light. So as you have likely gathered by now, I tend to elaborate too much sometimes for I do not wish my words to do harm.

Thank you for sharing your own painful therapist experience. I am still in the ripping out my heart phase, but glad that you seem to be moving past yours. So sorry you had to go through all that you did.

I really do believe that for the most part we are all just imperfect humans trying to do our best, and I'm the first to admit that I've had my own less than stellar days as a Social Worker, partner, friend, and human being. And the therapeutic relationship is usually very emotionally demanding on both parties, no matter the amount of money that exchanges hands.

I also believe that my therapist had good intentions but with her own paranoid issues and stereotypes about dissociation. I know she felt personally hurt and betrayed, and rather than living with not knowing who might have inflicted such pain, she felt more secure and safe naming me as the source. In her mind, she was accusing my "damage", my "dissociation", and not me, as if that wouldn't hurt me in any way.
Wrong!

She of course was ethically and morally wrong and definitely wouldn't have handled it well if the roles were resverse. But ultimately, I am just crushed because she did not treat me as a person with feelings. In addition, I thought with all my open honesty about my own failings that she knew me better than that. I thought she knew that I would rather live with being hurt, than with hurting another. I wish she would have stepped back and been willing to discuss it with me, but her mind was already made up by the time she informed me. Her assessment of the situation was all that mattered, and feel shattered and shaken to the core. Lost!

I also am currently involved in a full SS Disability case review in which I do not have her support, just that of my one medical doctor - so am worried as well about my future financial resource if I do find the courage to try again. I can do many things well, but only if I have at least on strong anchor would like you so aptly put, "forces me to look in the mirror and see what others see" - not the funhouse one in my head. Enough about that.

Oh, btw, I just read that you were from Minneapolis/St Paul. Having worked for Honeywell for years, I spent a great deal of time in Minn. Unfortunately much of my time I spent there was during the months of Jan-Mar - frigid, but still a nice city with awesome and accessible indoor walkways. You'll have to share some tales, or should I say "tails" with me. Would like the hear more about you and your gentle giant service dog, if you care to share. I helped socialize/prep a service dog once, and got very attached. Only able to hand him over (a black lab) because I had grown up with his intended handler and knew that the dog wanted to serve and would receive as much as he gave. :P

You, my friend, are both humble and strong!!! Give a pat on the head for me to your four-legged champion companion.
Alex

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hey again,

According to Bright and me, you were in the Twin Cities during our favorite time of year. Were you lucky enough to try winter camping and all the other wonderful activities our winter wonderland has to offer? My department goes on an annual winter camping trip to the beautiful Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness. In addition Bright and I make sure to keep the state park campsites and rangers in business all throughout winter. With us in the park, the rangers still need to make their rounds to make sure that we made it back to our campsite after our day time excursions and to make sure that no other nuts make their way and camp for free on soft snow with no bugs but with a beautiful view. Other than day time skiers we usually do not meet anyone else there. Minnesotans tend to set up ice fishing houses on a particular lake and then drive across the lake to their ice fishing house for a get-away. You can't set up semi-permanent structures in the parks other than in the campground. With my PTSD being outside in nature with no other or only few other people is as close to paradise as we can get.

I understand what you mean with not wanting to hurt other people. I can honestly say I have never really argued with anyone before. I am still working on learning how to say "No" or make basic requests from people I care about. Obviously, this usually ends up with me getting myself into further and deeper trouble than I already am. In turn I isolate myself even more behind my laptop and books, learning as much I can about myself and the world around me.

Your story with your therapist is sounding more and more like a carbon-copy of my experience with my therapist. My situation took place in 2007 with therapist #22. She did EMDR with me for about 10 months (I saw her for a total of 18 months total). Around the same time the building in which the therapist works was performing constructions, building apartments and a parking ramp. During the construction the building became completely inaccessible which lead to a number of falls on my part. So the therapist was willing to meet me at the main door at the beginning of my session and then she would park my car in the ramp while I went upstairs. This meant that we started about 15 min late. About 15 min before the end of my session and the beginning of the next person's session she would go get my car out of the dark, tool-cluttered ramp and drive it out to the front of the building. Within 20 min of EMDR we only got to the activation of memory part and I never knew there were de-escalation parts involved. I drove home in activation mode and spent the days until the next session in that same mode, having memory after memory snowball. My symptoms skyrocketed as you can probably imagine. As the county had not found services (PCA, homemaking, etc...) for me at that time yet because I am Deaf, my only contact was a friend who is an interpreter and knows the mental health system very well.

The same therapist was not good at completing paper work and forgot to apply for additional sessions in time. So she told me that she would see me for free less regularly from Sept to Dec. I wasn't expecting her to work for free and went on a camping trip for several weeks. Even after I came back the paper work had not been completed. So I was pretty much lost. For crisis services she kept giving me one phone number after another, which did not do me any good because my only communication device was a handheld device allowing me to email and text message people. This therapist did not know how to turn on a computer much less use email. So the phone numbers for their office answering service, her home, any other crisis phone number did me absolutely no good.

After a Deaf event that November I had been almost raped and the friend who is an interpreter stopped it while the person was trying to take my clothes off. In my typical fashion I had dissociated from the touch and could be lead into a corner. My friend was watching and stepped in when it was obvious to her that I had fully dissociated. The friend called the therapist from my home and restarted the sessions. The therapist was not happy about my friend's contacting her and was not her normal self. I in turn felt guilty and did not say anything. I was just happy to see the therapist again.

In December the therapist brought me into her office and introduced me to her supervisor. They asked me if I knew why I was there and I shook my head, terrified out of my mind. They explained to me that someone had filed a complaint with the board about her. In lipreading details got lost and I thought someone had written something about her on the white board in the waiting room and they thought it was me. My handwriting is European and so different that there would have been a quick fix. The therapist and her supervisor cleared up the confusion and I was completely dumbfounded when I had learned that the case had been taken all the way to the attorney general for investigation and the therapist could no longer see me. I left shaking my head and trying to make sense out of what I had been told. I started with the department of social work at the University and asked them where to locate the "board." There I learned that this friend had actually filed the report and portrayed me as a "vulnerable adult" not as the person I actually am. I successfully fought the system so that the therapist could keep her license, but I had lost therapist #22 because nobody was allowed to tell her who had in fact filed the report. She thought it was me. Between feeling guilty and lost I was done for a long time with therapists.

Talk about a long-winded story but there are plenty of parallels between my situation and yours. Now that I am on therapist #24 (yes, another therapist in between and the second interesting story of long list) who is absolutely fantastic. The clinicians in my department all approve of her and my advisors who are researcher scientists like me have met her in the meantime and remember her as a student from decades ago. My current therapist being ethical and my team of social workers, ILS worker, ARMHS worker, and friends all being involved and having open communication, I trust that nothing stupid is going to happen. Miraculously I am doing better and I have rediscovered my writing and making baby steps on my dissertation. Plus the current therapist is on her first longer vacation and I am still doing great despite the usual frustrations and road blocks typical for my life. I am genuinely happy for her that she's on vacation and I have absolutely no anxiety about seeing her again when she returns.

Sorry for the long bed-time story... I just thought that you might enjoy the parallels.

Take care!

 

[Icon Nikon]

Dear Bright and DGN:

I have to pick up my other cat at the vet and then eat something today, so I can't really reply at this time to what you have written but do want to.

In the meantime, I did get to watch an instructor "slide" his winter home out on the lake and ice fish by the living room fire - so strange yet awe inspiring to see. I have an Aunt in South Dakota who often took the rickety puddle-jumper flight into the city to visit. I, myself, am terrified of flying - there were not enough drugs in the world to calm me during that Philly to Minn 3hr flight. And yet I was afraid that if I dissociated, I end up in California and then have to go through it all over again {chuckle}. When I worked for the Navy (also terrified of boats/ships - talk about exposure therapy), I was on an aircraft carrier as it departed from the shipyard for sea trial, and on that occasion the only way off for me was in an F-14 Fighter Jet, but that's another story for another day.

And yes, our therapy disasters do parallel only mine involved being accused of stealing and hacking. More later, but you should have never gone through what you did. I am glad that you are making progress on your dissertation. I don't think Iwould have that much stamina to pull that off. I did get one "small" masters level research project paper, involving functional communication and parenting stress within families using early intervention services, published in a Sage journal, which unfortunately forced me to add a PhD professor's name paper in order to get it through (which she in turn used to help herself achieve tenure). Still there are many people who can do research and many who can write persuasively, but it takes a special skill set to ask and explore the truly relevant questions. What a talent you are, just don't test me on my ASL skills for they are a bit rusty at best.

Really gotta go, but wanted to say please don't apologize for conveying just a small sampling of the specific and daily obstacles, and general "obliviousness", ignorance, or total disregard (for lack of more appropriate words) for your abilities as well as your needs as a person who is deaf. Makes my blood boil when I "hear" about such insensitivities. Please remember that I asked you to share, and I am not sorry that I did!

Back at ya later,
Alex

 

[NIKI]

Hi Alex, Wanted to introduce myself to you and say I am so glad that you have found this site. Praying that you feel like you are not alone any longer. Lots of good people here ready to listen, and goodness forbid if you should fall we will be here ready to catch you. :)

NIKI

 

[Icon Nikon]

Thank you NIKI.

I too am grateful to have found this site. Or more specifically that after many near attempts to join, I finally found the courage (or desperation) to actually join. Though, like most everyone here, we'd rather not need this at all.

All of you that I have met so far have been warm, welcoming, supportive, patient, and inspiring, even after my meltdown. I need to start venturing out a bit more into other forums, but right now I'm still feeling the need to absorb and to try to feel that I belong here with all of you brave souls. I hope that's relatable.

I'm usually not so self-centered but recent events and losses have shaken my foundation in such a way that has not occurred for quite some time. I feel far too lonely and unsure of my own social cognitions, sorry perceptions and expectations of the world around me. This place and all of you are enabling me to have some moments of clarity and I have at times felt a touch stronger because of them.

I do fall frequently and rebound slowly, so thanks for the net.

I'm glad you took a moment to stop by and as soon as I can get back on my laptop, I will upload an avatar.

Alex

 

[Icon Nikon]

Hey all,

I had to go to the ER today because I just wasn't able to breathe and my airway was closing. I gather that all the mounting losses and those inparticular that I am obsession about and blaming myself for, just overtaxed my compromised immune system and lungs. Also I am feeling ashamed that I haven't found a way to rebound during the past two months - really hate me for being so weak.

Now I have to stay in this place at least overnight, with it's annoying bells, whistles, moans, beeps, and alarms. Not to mention, all the invasive poking and prodding and trying not to look like the scared kid that I am. I should be used to it by now, but it never gets any easier, perhaps because I'm alway here alone and only able to communicate through this device. I feel trapped and that makes me want to cry and scream, but I can't.

I was glad to be able to read some posts to keep me distracted. I know I will be fine and in touch when able.
Alex

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Alex,

I read that you were in the hospital again in another post and was trying to figure out how to get a hold of you. Do you want to go into the chat room at talk a bit? I'm worried about you.

 

[Icon Nikon]

No need to worry just being a sissy! Chat is ok, but you need time for you.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Not even close to being a sissy! The medical system is scary. That much I know. I just hope they treat you better than they generally treat me.

Apparently I got all the sleep this weekend and am now wide awake. I was expecting this because the week is always more stressful than the weekend. This week I have the surgeon appt with my mom. As if my skin knew what was on the schedule, my eczema is back with bright red face, neck, ears, and arms. That is a new thing my system has invented to get the stress out...

I am sending you the warmest thoughts to your hospital room while I take a warm bath and try to figure out something with my skin... Be back in a bit!

 

[Icon Nikon]

Make them the warmest "rash-tional" ones that you have. I, myself, just get hives on my face, neck, and chest, which I hate because it is a dead give away of exactly how stressed out or overheated I am. I will be thinking of you and your Mom, and sending you some cool lotion. Try to rest/relax a little bit more before your day begins, and scratch Bright behind the ear.

Gotta go be man-handled some more. Besides which my battery is almost out of charge.
TTFN

 

[Icon Nikon]

Too deflated and off my game for words. Have surrendered myself to the will of this medical staff. Don't really care now if I ever get to go home. Just too weak to fight for myself. I have awaringly fought, fallen, picked myself up, fallen again, picked myself up again...

Now with a body that is failing me, and a life of failures and losses (of my own making), I am feeling as broken and damaged as others say I am. Not sure I can pick myself up again (or if I should even try). Most have written me off, so perhaps it is just too late for me and I should just make my peace with that. I just always wanted to know what it feels like to feel alive and connected. And to find a meaningful way to contribute and belong.

Sorry for this depressing post - I usually am more upbeat than this, and typically able to laugh at myself when the past is getting the better of me. And sorry that I haven't be able to be there for any of you lately - that is truly not the me I do like and know, the me that always rises to the need of others in pain (not to put others first, though I admit to doing that sometimes, but simply because I know exactly what a few caringly kind words from a fellow traveler can mean in moments like this). Hoping to somehow find my way back to that me soon.

Trying to jokingly write this all off to baggage that should never have been mine to carry, to my current confining surroundings (the hospital), to the drugs which don't allow me to sleep, and to inadequate (or possibly excessive) oxygen to my "right" brain. :) Also trying to force myself to smile and allow my emotional brain to follow.

Alex

 

[jimmy-joe]

Is there a way to get off the drugs that are keeping you awake? And personally I'd view the hospital as a sort of weird spa and just spend time resting as much as Possible, if you can, baby yourself while you are there, I'm on my phone so don't know how they are treating you, but while you are there, if it is safe, it may be a good idea to say f*ck you to the world for a bit and focus on relaxing.

I realize that was a run on sentence grammar Nazis in the floorboards, and I defy thee!

I'm not good with words of comfort so I'll give you this, (|||Band-Aid|||), x10 cause extras are always nice. Also, refer to my pic, and be afeared of the consequences! :p