Relationship Roller Coaster

[jessb]

I actually came here at the recommendation of a friend. I am in a "relationship" with a PTSD sufferer. I love this man greatly and have no doubt he loves me (most of the time, the doubt isn't there).

Then every few months... He shuts down. Tells me he doesn't want a girlfriend, fiancé, or wife. That he can't be that man for me. That he loves me but isn't in love with me. That he wants to be alone for the rest of his life, but that I am his best friend, and he never wants to lose me.

I'm so confused. His actions are of a committed relationship, not a best friend.

Intimacy was an issue while we were officially dating, he was afraid of disappointing me, as well as me being unfaithful (I gave no reason for this fear, either of them)

I guess... I'm kinda lost and looking to see if these are normal behaviours or if I need to just walk away.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

What you describe sounds eerily familiar...

Is he in treatment? Improving? Willing to work on himself?

Nobody can tell you to walk away or not. You have to decide if you can work through these issues with him. Not everybody is PTSD relationship material, so you are the only one who knows for sure if these behaviors are a deal breaker.

 

[nursenurse]

Take him at face value when he says he wants to be alone. There is such a thing as loving someone and not being in love. only you know whether you can handle a relationship built on that, but personally, I think it is time to say adios. He's mad himself perfectly clear verbally. don't read anything more into it, or you will get hurt more than you are.

 

[jessb]

He also verbally tells me he loves me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me and asks me to start over with him. Just depends on the day, which is why I even asked about it. It's very up and down.

I love him. More than I ever imagined possible, and will stand by him. I just don't want to make it any worse for him by staying.

And it has been this way since a month after we started dating.

He has been in counselling some and then stopped going, he's so afraid of being "weak" when in reality he's the furthest thing from it.

 

[nursenurse]

He hasn't hit his rock bottom yet. Otherwise he would stay in counselling. If this has been since a month of meeting, you are in for some untenable times. Let him work on himself, and you work on yourself. It will happen if it is meant to be.

 

[PinkSugar]

I do the same thing to my wonderful boyfriend. It isn't you. You have to be a special person to have someone so attached to you. I never stop loving my boyfriend when I say I want to leave him(about every 6 months), but its me stopping loving myself. Sometimes the pain and fear becomes unmanageable and I feel emotionally shut off. There is no "correct" way to handle him saying he wants to be alone. I usually appreciate hearing "I love you" "I'm always here for you" and "You can always come to me if you need help". But there is always a wrong way to handle it. Suffocating him or completely neglecting him, making him feel ashamed or guilty for not wanting to be in a relationship are the worst ways to handle your situation. Everything I say is based on my personal experiences, and is an opinion. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you find this helpful.
Emm

 

[Ustabe]

I've been going back through some poetry I wrote years ago as part of a series of therapy sessions that preceded my diagnosis of complex PTSD. Much easier for me to express myself that way ... for some reason, it reaches a part of me that I can't otherwise reach. (I have to start back into this again, I think).

I read your post and it made me think of one I had written at the beginning of a relationship (that wound up going nowhere). I'm not sure if it helps, seeing as I don't know you or your friend ... or what he's going/been through. But perhaps this will help you understand that some of us have spent a very long time at / have a lot of practice in avoiding "closeness" despite our own inner desire FOR closeness.

Walls

I've spent a lifetime building walls
knowing nothing else to do.
With walls, I felt protected
from heartaches old and new.
With every passing day, a brick
was added to the pile ...
as months and years passed by, the wall
grew higher - and all the while
it never seemed to bring to me
the peace and calm I craved.
It only brought me solitude
and closer to my grave.
I longed to have somebody
take the mortar from my hand
to tell me "you don't need that wall ...
it's alright. I understand."

But I've spent a lifetime building walls
knowing nothing else to do.
So if your love's rejected, know
it's because of me. Not you.

 

[nursenurse]

We all build walls, it is not unique to a PTSD relationship, maybe just more apparent. Beautifully written, Ustabe.

 

[married2ptsd]

Hello JessB, in my own experience, my husband sometimes doesn't believe he can have a relationship. He struggles to get through each day and the thought of having any responsibility for anyone else seems to be overwhelming for him. I find my husband responds well to fairly constant encouragement. The more I show him I believe he can have a relationship and he's being a good partner, the more comfortable he is. Having said that, he needs enormous amounts of time on his own and I often feel like a carer and I don't get much out of the relationship. So there are things you may need to assess for yourself in being in a relationship with a man with PTSD.

 

[jessb]

Well... things definitely took a huge down turn... he shut me completely out over the weekend, and then told me he is looking to date someone else (although hasn't done so, and still continues to text/call me, ask what I'm doing, if I'm with a man etc)

The mixed signals are overwhelming, and I'm so confused by him.

I think at this point, I've realized I can't have a normal future with him and am trying to accept that. I want to be part of his life in whatever capacity we can make happen. Although it doesn't look like he will let me in as his partner.

It's all so hard and I just have to take that step back. I just don't want him to think I "gave up" on him. Because thats not the case at all. I think part of me will always hold onto the "what if"