Rough Day Thread...

[LuckiLee]

Exactly. If isolation is his coping mechanism? He will always do it. Can you live with that? Indefinitely. It's one thing if you're getting what you need out of the relationship and he isolates. It's a completely different thing if he isolates and you aren't getting what you need when he is there. Not sure if that makes sense.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Exactly... you have to find what works for both of you if you're going to have a healthy relationship. Some people are fine with no labels, lots of space, no expectations, etc. For others it makes them feel adrift and confused. There is a happy medium somewhere in there, and you have to find it. Your medium may never line up with his, or you may be able to find one together.

It really is confusing. Like for real. A PTSD relationship is its own kind of animal. It is possible to make it work... You have to make sure you're happy first though. It won't work unless you're happy and secure. Sucking things up to make him happy is just being a martyr. Being a martyr to his PTSD won't ever better the situation.

In the past I probably wouldn't have been happy being in a relationship that was this "loosey-goosey". I'm in a place where it works for me now though. Like we still maintain our own places even though we've been together 6 years and stay together most of the time. He still has that escape hatch open. It makes him feel more secure, and in turn, it doesn't make me feel insecure. We don't call each other "boyfriend/girlfriend" but we're both monogamous. Labels freak him out, but he has no problems with loyalty. I decided that was really more important than saying "my boyfriend this" or "my boyfriend that".

It forces you to reply look at yourself and figure out what YOU need. I'm in my early 40s, divorced, and have two grown kids... so I'm content with my situation. I'm not interested in getting married etc. If I had a different concept of marriage or what a commitment looked like, I probably wouldn't be as comfortable with things. It's all very individual to personalities. I like alone time myself. Also, having been married to a serial cheater previously, as loyal as he is, as long as he is monogamous he can call me anything he wants. I call him my slam-piece most of the time. I don't need the a label... but I could see how somebody would need one in order to feel "official" or to define the perimeters of the relationship.

Not dealing with this stuff is taken for granted in "normal" relationships.

 

[LuckiLee]

It's funny.... Some days I think I have it all figured out. A minute later I have no idea wtf is going on. We can give ideas or advice but it comes down to the both of you to want to figure these things out. Together. You can't do it alone. And you can't do it if he isn't there. Wishing nothing but the best for you both!

 

[Pippi427]

@Sweetpea76 , Your definition of relationship sounds more like mine. We are about the same age, too. I try to focus on more of what’s possible for us versus what a standard “relationships” looks like.

Since I was already beat down from life and missing my normal coping mechanism this spell of his just hit me really hard. He’s always checked in before and never blocked me.

Thanks for everyone’s wishes. I hope he comes out of this OK

 

[Pippi427]

Mom is coming over today to check on me. Was finally able to call in sick at work. Still not handling things well. I'm glad I have my mom. I don't think she is going to be prepared for this level of an ugly cry though.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ugly cries are cathartic though. You always feel better afterwards.

 

[Pippi427]

The crying hasn't stopped. Mom is coming over again today. I'm guessing he's gone for good and chose to make it easy on himself by not even saying goodbye.

 

[Freida]

I'm so sorry.....?

 

[Pippi427]

I guess this is how a lot of these things end.

 

[Sweetpea76]

No closure sucks. Even if he comes back around he's established a pattern of behavior. You don't have to indulge in it if it hurts you too much.

 

[Pippi427]

The morning wave of tears did not come today. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and got a meds change. It seems to be working for now. I just wish they had meds to bring my boy back. I miss talking and sitting with him the most. His hugs were the best.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm so sorry. I know you're sad. I feel sad for you. We're going through our own personal hell too. Seriously, Patriots day, Memorial day and Veterans day are theeeeeeee worst of all days for my guy. If your guy is anything like mine? It was ugly. And I think he wants to shield you from it. Don't be surprised if he contacts you and acts like nothing happened. As if a couple days have passed. As you said, You always "forgive" his isolation. It's more the question, can you accept his isolation? This is where @Sweetpea76's advice comes into play .... Giving him his space/ time to recharge/reset/reboot whatever you want to call it "Is a LOVING act". Get some rest. We're here if you need us. :)