General Rough Patch

[willis williams]

Elizabeth
Do what you said let him know you love and you got his back for what ever he needs. As for the phone calls let him know that it bothers you but do it in a way that causes an overload in the situaition say you could tell him it bothers you but you understand and that just answere and tell you he don't feel like talking to you right now. You will have to be strong and except that responce and know it is not you he does not want to talk to it is PTSD that he is trying to face. We are normal men about being hurt we don't want to look weak and be vonurable to our Honey's now multiply that times 10. This is on the topic the rest is just a piece of the mind of my PTSD to hopefully get just a little more insight.

I went from early 1994 till a 1 1/2 to 2 yrs.before I started seriouces treatment of any kind so i'm real friendly with th ku ku side. Over the years I tried meds but never followed through. I felt that I could not function on them turns out what I didn't like about meds was what everybody seen as social norms and to me people that follow those norms were weak and vonurable. They call it hyper vigalince anxioty the meds took that away which made me depressed because my edrenaline ivy was gone. I started to hurt in places that I didn't remeber ever injuring. I felt that I could not concentrate because the thoughts were more irradic they always raced but now they weren't making sense. I found that I could not express myself verbally I tried to comunicate but the ways what seemed like the only way didn't work any more. So when everything would pile up I would either snap or withdraw. Just feel lucky your BF doesn't disapeer into the woods for weeks just to think or as Jimmy might say I would go walk about. The longest job I have ever had 2 yrs 7 months. Sometimes you lust gotta clear your head.TEX

 

[sisu]

Thanks for the advice Tex. I will do exactly that. I am seeing him on Friday after work, so I think I will tell him those things in person. I am not 100% sure he would listen on the phone if I were to get a hold of him as he doesn't even sound like himself right now. And to me it is important that he sees my face and know that I am being honest and serious so he can trust my words.

 

[willis williams]

Elizabeth
That sounds great even if the stay is shorter than normal if he hears them he will digest them and then it is up to him to say i'm crook right now and need some space. We tend to not want to tell the ones we love that we need them but we also need space it is a real good sign how much we care that we don't want to hurt them but we are to dumb to know that it hurts their feelings when we don't let them know that it's not them. The missunderstanding that happens between carers and PTSD sufferers is while we are crook we don't stop loving them. Prouf is let him be crook sometime and you be together and let someone threaten you in any way he may be detached but watch what would happen I hope you never have to see this I was just making a point.
TEX

 

[sisu]

Thanks Tex!! If I could ask you one more question please...and obviously this is your perspective not his..

When you are feeling like you need to shut down, does it bother you when your significant other tries to make contact? For example, would it bother your or make you feel smothered if your love texted you an "I love you" text or "thinking about you" text maybe once a day? Or tried to call you and left a message? I don't want to bother him or make him feel smothered, but I do want him to know I am there....

Just trying to do the right thing for him and for me.... Thanks!!

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hello Elizabeth
I went through a very difficult patch with my husband a while back. He shut down and didn't want to tell me what was going on because he wanted to protect me from all the bad stuff. There are times, mostly around the anniversaries, when he feels so bad he doesn't want to see his sons and daughters because he doesn't want them to see him like he is. (Unless you have experienced deep depression or something similar you will not understand how awful it feels.)
Anyhow, when he shut down, communication was a challenge but we did manage a one line text or a couple of words, not every day but maybe once a week. Don't get too disheartened if you don't get a reply straight away. It may take a few days for a reply. It may feel like you've lost him but give him time and reassurance.

Being a carer can be very lonely at times but please remember you will never be alone here, there's always someone around.

With love & respect x

 

[willis williams]

Elizabeth
He is differant than me but I will try to explain me. It is like a wave the more things pile on the more agitated I get the things i can't shut down like paying a bill or changing my sons diaper I still do. Emotionally I may not want to play with him so i have to force myself. I will even make love to my fiance cause she wants to when I don't want to be touched. These are examples of when I am mildly shut down. I never feel like I need to shut down I wish I wouldn't it just happens.The point I was trying to show is he will have to set his own boundries on that try a symple text if he doesn't text back not a good time may not be PTSD could be busy so wate.If you pay attention you will learn his Q's I will do things to keep homeostasis in my house that i do not want to do to reduce stressors. He don't sound like he has a lot of free time and may not be ready there are great couples coarses through the VA that are for PTSD sufferers and significant others. They are not really an open up class more of learning triggers like do you know all of the dates of combat and what happened on each day you can't some he don't remember but subconciously he does it can that simple. So try things in moderation just make clear that he needs to tell you if you are crossing a boundery because if you don't know the bounderies you can't stop at them. I shut down sometimes and may only say ten words in four days. TEX

 

[sisu]

Wow Resilientgirl - I think you may have given me another clue. The end of January is when he came home from Afghanistan and early February is when they were reunited with their families. Afghanistan is where he says he "cracked" <-- his word. Possibly this may be the problem. He divorced his 2nd wife around this time and we broke up around this time 3 years ago. Oh my gosh....that may be the reason for his shut down....just maybe.

Thanks for your insight...and thank you as always Tex!

 

[willis williams]

yes our anniversaries of combat override birthdays,holidays, and yes even anniversaries to our honey!

 

[sisu]

It never dawned on me Tex because in my mind coming home from combat that final time would be a good thing. I guess maybe it is the time that he starts thinking about his time there. He did make contact with his group of guys for a reunion in mid-January....it's been 7 years since his return. I think that January 26 was his actual return date. This is so eye opening.

Oh boy, this is good information. Now I just need to learn his ques and how to help him.

 

[sisu]

Well the worst thing just happened tonight. He called to say that he has too much stress in his life right now and cannot handle a relationship. He is in a bad place right now with his PTSD. Bad depression and very stressed. I told him that I love him, I am there for him and that I didn't want to break up. I told him that I have been learning as much as I can about PTSD for my health and his health. We talked for about an hour and he was open to my questions.

We decided to take a break, not break up and not date other people right now. A decision like this shouldn't be made when he is in shut down mode. I told him to take some time and that I wouldn't call him. I told him to call me when he is ready. I'm so sad. :(

 

[willis williams]

When your mind is changed from combat coming home to all the civi life is hard I loved combat no bills ,no relationship problems for me anyway, you always knew what the enemy wanted from you and you knew what you were going to do to the enemy. Once you make the change from scared teenager to getting your cherry popped you still have fear but it becomes your new normal. I started not caring about the snipers, command detinated mines, mortars, and fire fights they were going to happen weather you wanted them to or not. Coming back though was scary in a way you land and it is still military like but you get debreifed and go on leave and your mind is not ready for the differance just riding in a vehicle not standing air guard waiting for a sniper to collect his 1000 shilings for your life and trust me just people in a cross walks you have to stop in most states is just horrible because I am a somolia vet.It may be different to what your BF went through. I didn't even want to sleep in a bed I even had problems with just a common house flies. I hate being in a house even with a lot of doors, walls, or hallways to this day. Hope this helps you understand because it was hardto type. I did it for your BF so you may understand him.Link Removed

 

[sisu]

Thank you for sharing Tex. I know thatwas hard to write all of that. I am the one that asked that this be a break not a break up. I didn't want the ptsd to decide whether or not to end our relationship....and that is where he is coming from right now. He is consumed by it....the ptsd, the stress and the depression. He cannot see me as a positive - can only see me/our relationship as one more thing on his pile of stress.

I am the one that told him I would not call him as I am sure he wants to be alone right now....not sure if that was the right thing to do or not. I told him that this by no means does this mean I don't love or I am not thinking about him everyday. I told him he can call me anytime, even if he isn't feeling better if he just wants to talk or needs something.

This is all so confusing.....it's almost like there are 3 people in our relationship....him, me and ptsd.