Sad, Torn, And Reflecting

[bluethunder]

Thank you for this forum. I stumbled upon it looking for support for what will likely be my divorce.

I met my wife in college. Our connection was fast, we had tons in common, and a very sexual relationship. It was not too long before I was totally in love.
About four months in, she confided in me about a rape. It was pretty brutal. she said after that she was seducing guys and then dumping them. (hurting them). But she did not want to hurt me. I stayed with her. I have tried to be sensitive and respect her boundaries.
Now it is 20 years later, and I caught her in the beginnings of her second affair. The first was about 10 years ago. She went to counseling. The whole rape thing and PTSD. She refuse(d)(es) to let herself be defined that way. I can't say I blame her, but I try to be understanding.
Today she has been living at a hotel, our young daughters mostly with her due to my work schedule. She said she has been depressed, does not know what she wants, is not really interested in another, and needs time.
As I look back, after each milestone in our lives, when things seem best, a disconnect has followed. Last year was one of the most connected. Ironically, an old (married) boyfriend of hers popped up on the facebook. Disconnect city. she was sending and recieving over a hundred "sexts" a month with this guy. that has stopped.
Now I am giving her space as she wishes. I reflect on all the times things were good, and the subsequent pain. The pattern is not difficult to follow. I really have reached my end in dealing with this. I do not feel it is my place to suggest counseling, and I do not wish to invite this rollercoaster life to return. I love her so dearly, I am torn.
I appreciate you being here for me to say this.

 

[blarneystone]

If not you to suggest counseling, then whom? We who suffer PTSD often need reality checks, and help from those around us that know us best and are closest. You are the closest person she has in her life, whether or not she is aware or wants it; this is a truth. I don't want to pressure you in any way, or say you are required to do anything. However, you are the person with whom she has invested a lot of time, and you are the one who knows her well enough to know what she needs to be healthy.

But, you also have to focus on what you need to be healthy as well. Going through this, going through PTSD, and counseling, and the entire regiment is a long term affair. It isn't something that just gets switched on or off, it takes time and retraining. If, as a person, this isn't healthy for you then you need to do what is best for YOU as well as her.

 

[Pixie]

I would have to disagree. As a sufferer of PTSD, I still believe that we have to take responsibility for our actions. I am an adult now and no matter what trauma I've suffered, does not give me the right to hurt another person, especially someone who I love. PTSD is NOT an excuse to do whatever you feel like, and while I understand the "disconnect" (my understanding that this is a trigger), she has to realise on her own and commit to changing her behaviour. You can tell someone they need help and should get help. You can even tell them how and organise it on their behalf, but it won't do any good unless they themselves want to do it.

I am so sorry for what you have been through and I understand the love that you have for her. Feeling torn (and I'd imagine more than a little betrayed) is natural after realising that you need to look after yourself by not wanting to hop back on that rollercoaster. It is a hard decision to make but it sounds like the right thing for you right now. Until she decides that she is willing to change and truly commit to healing the trauma, this pattern will continue.

Rell

 

[MR CLEAN]

Hi bluethunder,

Welcome, this is a good place to be.

Reading your post, reminded me a bit of my own situation. And the reflections your having are the same ones I had myself (and sometimes still have).
It's not my place to suggest this or that, each person must do what's best for them and only they can decide. In my case, I beleive I made the wrong choice because of my own inner confusion.

Today I am faced with those choices again. Give up or fight. This time I chose to fight because I changed the question a little. Instead of asking myself: Can I deal with the PTSD ?
I ask myself: Whould I leave my wife if she had Cancer ?

I understand that my wife has to take responsability for her actions and that she has to stop the denial and seek out help.
I wish there was a easy answer to the questions (I'd be the first one in line, beleive me). But it all comes down to YOU and when is enough, enough.

Welcome again and I'll think you'll see (as I have) that people here really understand. Good luck

 

[TLight]

I agree totally with Pixie.........having PTSD does not excuse my actions that inflict pain on others.

Hate to say it, but sometimes people need to be taught a lesson...........you leaving her might be the best thing for her to kick her butt out of denial and into some serious therapy. When she stands before whoever on that day of judgement.........she'll thank you.

Plus, why would you want to stay in this when it is hurting not only you but your children?

 

[amethist]

Hi bluethunder

Welcome to the forum.

I am sorry to hear that you are in a situation like this, as a carer myself I fully understand when you say you wanted to stand by your wife and fight for your life back, but are now looking at divorce. Being a carer of someone with PTSD must be one of the most difficult situations to be in, especially when they are in denial and will not take responsibility of there actions. But how long can we do this before we say enough is enough, I have been to that point myself a few times over the last few years. You have to stand up and fight yes, but for yourself first, and them second.

I have to agree with what the others say about all this continuing until you take a stand and tell her she has to do something serious about this. Setting boundaries is one way, and refusing to except the affairs, PTSD does not give anyone an excuse for this, no matter what the cause.

I hope you can spend some time reading what other carers and sufferers say about relationships and PTSD, in the different sections. You may find a few threads in both areas that say, "Been there done that and had to get out". Then others that say how they got through the tough times and carried on, but unfortunately more of the first than the second.

I hope you find some answers as to where to go from here.

Take care, it is hard for everyone concerned, but only you can decide what is best for you and your future.

Amethist

 

[bluethunder]

I appreciate all who have read and/or responded to my post.

The day after my posting I wrote her a note while I was outside with my kids. (right now it's notes and e-mail while addressing the situation--she is afraid she will get over-emotional) I noted a few reasons why I love her, and told her that for herself and our daughters' sake, that she needed to do the work this time. She said she realizes what is causing all this. The separation is helping her get unstuck, and as soon as she finds a regular residence, she will find the help.

I told her she has her freedom as always, and that I can be supportive in whatever way so long as there is no infidelity, and she actually gets the help. There is nothing that says she must come back to me, and I know I have enough overall going for me that I would be able to move on.

Sometimes I feel so guilty for wanting her back as I do. I dont want the old pattern for sure. I find myself overanalyzing everything. She knows how I feel about her. I just dont know how to act in a way which can be helpful to her recovery (which she needs) without making it about what I want.

Does any of this make sense?

 

[Farine]

Hi Bluethunder!

It makes sense to me! Life is about growth. There is a bible verse that says "How can two people walk together unless they be agreed." If you are growing and she is resisting that, how can you 'walk together' .. how can you 'agree'? Healing is messy. Healing is hard. Healing is necessary. That doesn't make it appealing. If she has to be dragged kicking and screaming into the healing process, the first obstacle will be the last. One thing everyone can agree on is that there are more than one obstacle to managing PTSD. Getting you back can't be her compelling reason to stick it out.

You looked into her eyes and saw her worth. It's time she looked into the mirror and saw her own worth. Also, if she doesn't do the work, her abuser wins. That was something that got me fired up every time I thought it. The last thing I wanted to do was give my abuser any more of 'me'. Getting mad is sometimes beneficial. Just a few thoughts...

 

[bluethunder]

My Co-Dependence

My issue is that I was adopted. very young. Always felt kinda wierd talking about it. Probably is what has made me a people pleaser. Overall has served me well, I have had no problem being gainfully employed, I have retained many close friends over the years, etc. I have created a solid life for myself, and have enjoyed the benefits pretty much face value. i do not need my ego to be stroked to know I have done the right things.

But of course there is that abandonment thread. I had to choose someone who has been hurt, who cannot integrate emotional responsibility with sexuality. her escape from me (abandonment, anyone?) has been through chasing the excitement of sex with men who are technically unavailable. I have allowed myself to let things spiral out of control too many times.

I think she admitted the first affair to me (it went on for awhile) because the guy was making assumptions that they would be together forever. after she admitted the affair, she dropped him completely, no contact again. But then I got the barrage of how there was something wrong with me that I didnt know how to turn a woman on, etc.

That's when I did about 6 months of counseling, we did couples counseling, and she dropped her personal work when it started getting scary. So back to my co-dependence. Until I told her to leave a few weeks ago. I think I kinda get my own reactions. This is all the hardest thing I have ever done.